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    Five Ways I've Sabotaged My Relationships With Technology

    Twitter is no home for a broken heart.
    By Song Lian

    1. Schizo Status Updating

    As in many failed relationships, the last few months of mine were a buttshow. We weren't really together, yet we weren't broken up; we didn't talk to each other, but we texted every other day. I was heartbroken and confused — and wanted my entire online network to know. In one week, I changed my relationship status four times, from "In a Relationship" to "Single" to "No Status" to "Single," finally stopping again on "No Status," where it will remain for the rest of my digital life.

    Before the internet, heartbreak was largely a private experience. Then social networking came along and mucked everything up. Now there's a tick-box for every aspect of our personal lives, from hobbies and religion to sexuality and relationship status. Transient stages of "seeing each other" and "working things out," perhaps better left unquestioned and undeclared, are now definable, categorizable. Reunions and setbacks and all the other naturally occurring spasms of a relationship on the verge can now be chronicled, archived, and shared publicly, with the impulsive click of the mouse.

    Sure, some people don't bother with these sort of things. But as a chronic oversharer, I'd come to believe that "relationship status" was a kind of proof of my romantic standing — as much a declaration to the universe as it was to myself. Which is why I thought my schizophrenic status changing was not only warranted but necessary. My relationship needed to be validated by statements on the screen. In the end, my friends grew confused, then skeptical, and finally apathetic. And my ex-boyfriend was, understandably, embarrassed — so much so that he decided to break all virtual ties with me, lest I suddenly declare "It's Complicated" between us, for all to see.

    2. Emotweeting

    Some people really know how to use Twitter: comedians, politicians, PR bots, bored celebrities. It's a tool for impersonal, indiscriminate snack-sized sharing — not heartbreak poetry, not Coldplay lyrics, not anything that makes you break down sobbing ninety characters in.Having published an anthology's worth of emotionally ponderous tweets, I can say with confidence: nothing good ever comes out of an emotweet. Sure, it feels comforting to share the weight of your romantic drama with the world, but what sort of reaction are you waiting for? A retweet? A "favoriting"? 140 characters of sympathy from an anonymous follower? No response to an emotweet will make you feel understood.

    Yes, I was fine, I chirped, thoroughly humiliated.

    In fact, it might do just the opposite. After one particularly devastating week and its resulting deluge of tweets, followers — friends and strangers alike — began noticing and inquiring about my condition. "Your tweets lately... they seem quite sad. Are you okay?" my boss asked, after coming across one of my less poetic broadcasts ("FML FML FML FML"). Yes, I was fine, I chirped, thoroughly humiliated. I looked around the office to see several more pairs of downcast eyes, staring at me with a mix of pity and schadenfreude.

    Fifty lost followers later, I resolved to go off the emotweeting. After months of recklessly candid publishing, I'm now on emotional mute, and my Twitter feed has returned to doing what it does best — spreading gossip and news stories and viral videos that make people LOL.

    3. Trial By Text

    "Writers shouldn't be allowed to text. Words are our weapon, and texting is just... too easy," my friend Julia recently explained to me. She removed texting from her phone four years ago, and I followed suit last month.

    My ex-boyfriend and I talked more about our relationship with our thumbs than we ever said face-to-face. Sometimes we'd even go through a complete fight cycle (confrontation/argument/name-calling/apologizing/absolution) via text before we ever picked up the phone to (gasp) actually talk to one another.

    Texting was a means for imposing our immediate feelings on one another, without having to listen to or witness the other person's defenses, anguish, or outrage. I once sent him a text treatise the length of a short novella. (The entire thing was really more like a monologue, but it had a beginning, middle, and end, like any good story, and put me several messages over my monthly limit of 1500.)

    Nothing between us was ever resolved via text. Our fights splintered like fractals, one semantic equivocation leading to the next. Once I even rode the signal-less subway ten stops past my own to avoid continuing a particularly heated SMS-fight. Needless to say, when I surfaced, the debate was raging on without me. Texts, unlike email, require no compliance. They are forced on us in near real-time, with no way to claim ignorance beyond the unconvincing "I never got it" or "My phone was off... for three days." They're almost impossible to ignore, unlike emails or voicemails — a fact some of us use to our advantage. "I text my boyfriend when I want to make sure he knows exactly how pissed I am — right now," my textatic friend Lara confided in me. "He might not pick up my calls, but I know he at least sees my texts." Texts are the closest thing we have to complete, immediate access to another person — the virtual equivalent of following our recipients around with a bullhorn yelling messages at them from a few feet away.

    Practical matters — "I'm around the corner, what kind of beer do you want?" — are what SMS was made for. Add emotions to the equation and things get hairy. Texts are like darts that can't be dodged or retracted, making them all too perfect for verbal assaults. The ease of sending texts, and the knowledge that they are almost impossible to ignore, makes messaging about serious, heartfelt issues a bad call.

    Commentarium (32 Comments)

    Jan 26 10 - 1:25pm
    bb

    It's my life.. written. Very good.

    Jan 26 10 - 1:41pm
    dla

    LOVE

    Jan 26 10 - 2:30am
    ck

    this is why i am reluctant to online date!!! GRR!

    Jan 26 10 - 2:35am
    sl

    as long as you bring the MO's OL you're chill, bro

    Jan 26 10 - 4:39am
    Vld

    I don't have facebook,myspace or twitter accounts so I do not relate and I never will... it feels amazing!!!

    Jan 26 10 - 6:54am
    WL

    You are so right, texting has taken over relationships as all the other social networking sites.

    Jan 26 10 - 10:21am
    AAM

    HAHAHAHHAHAAH omg this rings too true:)

    Jan 26 10 - 10:46am
    HF

    luckily my BF is not on FB or Twitter, simplifies life...

    Jan 26 10 - 10:46am
    MO

    I will never put my status on FB for this very reason!

    Jan 26 10 - 10:59am
    BWR

    My boyfriend and I don't text - except when it's a one off, an overheard joke or something - he doesn't follow my tweets and we are friends, but not dating, on FB. Nothing replaces a nightly phone call.

    Jan 26 10 - 11:30am
    SC

    hahaha this is hilarious! bravo. well written and sadly/embarassingly/terrifyingly true. i should go tweet this to my boyfriend...OH WAIT...

    Jan 26 10 - 11:48am
    hmm

    Crap, number 5 just took my inbox sulking to a new level. I previously would just search his name and relive the entirety of the relationship through conversations, but now name + love? Crap.

    Jan 27 10 - 1:21am
    JA

    Believe it or not, neurotic behavior and self-destructive tendencies existed before Twitter was invented.

    Jan 27 10 - 1:58am
    LPC

    I do not wish to know this person.

    Jan 26 10 - 2:23pm
    Dee

    I am extremely glad I grew out of these tendencies once I hit my twenties.

    Jan 26 10 - 3:11pm
    JRI

    Fabulously written - I would have laughed if I hadn't cried. Thank you.

    Jan 26 10 - 3:45pm
    LAP

    I was given sage advice once after a particularly bad breakup; get rid of everything that reminds you of the person. Delete the emails, shred the pictures, toss the mementos. Don't call, write, or otherwise engage the person.

    Jan 26 10 - 8:14pm
    cfc

    Done the same thing on email, on phone, and even face-to-face. The technology isn't always the issue, but sometimes it is.

    Jan 26 10 - 9:53pm
    ACS

    There seems to be a phenomenon of post breakup fallout that seems to happen thanks to FB. The angry dumpee seems to always use it as a place for spewing negativity and mutual friends and family members are involuntarily involved in the drama.

    Jan 26 10 - 11:12pm
    CR

    I will not change my status either I feel I should not have to at all. I think if I did it's not necessary really. I don't need my facebook or myspace account to define who I am or me being in a relationship. It's not necessary at all for us to put that up. It should be sacred or private. Those relationships you do want to keep private.

    Jan 27 10 - 3:56am
    RH

    I remember the sick but satisfying feeling of sending an angry text, then the anticipation of response. What sad or evil thoughts were brewing on the other end? Should I send an apology and risk receiving a vengeful blow sent the same moment? A horrible game I hope to avoid in the future, and wish Song Lian the same strength!

    Jan 28 10 - 1:40am
    AWH

    Thank you, Song Lian! The best thing I could've done after breaking up with the man I dated for 7 years was deleting him from everything--FB, phone, gmail. I needed him to not exist for a while. I even cut off ties from some of our mutual friends, except for those to whom I was closest before our relationship. It was hard, but totally worth it. Courage, Song Lian! Courage!

    Jan 28 10 - 5:10pm
    CB

    So beautifully written! I've known several people, just recently, who went through divorces, break-ups, etc., all in a very public way because of fb and other applications.. It's horrible, and I think now this is a much more "public" world, and you have to protect your privacy above all.

    Jan 28 10 - 8:48pm
    ON

    This is one of the best article I've read on this site. I can relate to a lot of what was written

    Jan 30 10 - 2:42pm
    Arch

    What a freaking commenting system! :P TweetTalk???

    Jan 31 10 - 9:35pm
    SS

    "I don't have facebook, myspace or twitter accounts so I do not relate and I never will... it feels amazing!!!" by Vld (above)

    I can totally relate, and it does feel amazing! LOL

    Feb 04 10 - 1:12am
    SRD

    Um, Song Lian do you have a blog? A book? A need for a clingy new best friend? Perhaps an open window through which I can silently watch your every interaction? I think we may have been separated at birth. Besides the fact that I totally relate to all the points in your soul crushingly sad, but true article; the way you select, place, and utilize your ever so extensive vocabulary, makes me want to cyberstalk you in all the ways that you so eloquently described as an ill suited excuse for human interaction above. I don't twitter, but I will FB stalk your ass til the end of days. *kisses* :-) lol

    Feb 05 10 - 2:18pm
    Song

    Ha, SRD, i think i love you! provide your email address and I'll send you a note. this is just the tip of the iceberg, believe you me

    Jun 07 10 - 5:02pm
    Kate

    awesome! i love this just because it's so true and because i can't help but agree with everything you just said. i was in this same (almost exact) situation. i am too a writer and i do use my way of words to my advantage when i am arguing with someone. we never actually ever talked about our problems unless it was through a cell phone screen. we use to send each other 5 to 7 page texts about our feelings. needless to say the relationship failed. when it was all over not only did my heart hurt, so did my fingers.

    Jul 01 10 - 5:03am
    Michelle

    I also dislike the fact that if you dont "tag" someone, or somehow make it "clear" on facebook, then people get upset.. I mean, Do i reallly need to tag someone for them to know their important to me? Its sad how seriously so many people take online shit.

    Nov 21 11 - 1:27am
    Kiona

    And to think I was going to talk to someone in pesorn about this.