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Some of Tony's best friends are Jews. His most significant boyfriend was too, he says. So when his Jewish friend Jessica said, "You can date all the WASPs you want, but you're not going to find someone who'll talk about his feelings or be willing to analyze them," Tony, a New Yorker of non-Jewish Italian descent, found himself posting a profile on JDate.com, "the premier Jewish singles community on the Net."
No avid J-suitor will be shocked to find Tony's profile (which makes clear that he's not Jewish) among the "BlueeyedJew"s and "BagelBoy"s who are both members of the site and members of the tribe. Non-Jews in search of Jews — gay and straight, male and
female — have become commonplace on JDate. The percentage of JDate's 650,000 members identifying themselves as religiously "unaffiliated" is now 13% and rising. (Caveat: that designation also includes Jews who don't align themselves with a particular Jewish movement, e.g. Reform or Conservative.) JDate has not gone so far as to add check-boxes for religions other than Jewish — it'd be philosophically tricky — but non-Jews have reached at least one measure of critical mass: the site has added the option of designating oneself "Willing to convert." At this point, it's entirely possible that JDate could bring together two Gentiles. ("It's kismet! We're both into film noir, snowboarding and Jews.")
JDate spokesperson Gail Laguna says she's heard no complaints about non-Jews using the site and that no serious thought has been given to excluding them. (More conservative Jewish dating sites do.) "The site is designed for Jewish singles — there's no way to make that clearer," she says. "We just want to make sure everyone has the tools they need to represent themselves openly and honestly."
Sure, there are a few wise guys, like the fellow who befuddled my friend Abby by saying "Like everyone, I'm a little bit Jewish," or the one who outright lied to my friend Monica that he was a Reform Jew. (Then again, he also failed to mention that he was living in Nigeria.) But in general,
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JDate has a good reputation. And when it comes to dating and marriage, so do the Jews.
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the non-Jews on JDate are not shy. Click around a bit, and you'll easily find member profiles declaring "I AM NOT JEWISH!!!" or "I am Roman Catholic, but ..." or simply "ILIKEBACON."
Which begs the question: what are these people doing on JDate? And whatever it is, is it good for the Jews?
For one thing, JDate has a good reputation — and, when it comes to dating and marriage, so do the Jews. Especially men. My non-Jewish friend Laura registered after a work friend said, "If I were single, I'd be on JDate. That's where all the best guys are."
Sure enough, women's profiles confessing a "soft spot for Jewish men" tend to describe them with terms like "family-oriented," "devoted," and "mother." "Jewish men are perceived as mensches, and mensches make the best marriage material," says dating expert Robin Gorman Newman, founder of LoveCoach.com and author of How to Marry a Mensch, adding that of course these are perceptions, if not stereotypes, with plenty of exceptions. "Of course, just because you had a bar mitzvah doesn't mean you're a mensch. Or not a wack-job."
One California woman I spoke to — who was raised Hindu — said that for her, joining JDate was about what she saw as the menschiness of Jewish culture in general, plus the shared background of ancient civilizations and, more recently, the immigrant experience. "From my experience with Jewish friends and a Jewish boyfriend, I feel that we have similar value systems, an emphasis on community activism and education. One of the things that also struck me about Jewish culture is the significance of women in the family. For us, it's more complicated."
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Comments ( 11 )
May G-d strike me dead if I ever sign up for JDate. I'm non-religious and culturally Jewish, and I'm happy to date anyone who is not religiously fixated. I don't want to be targeted for dating (by Jews or Gentiles) simply because I'm Jewish. I'm a whole person, not a stereotype because my mother was Jewish, and I want someone for whom my ancestry is not a litmus test.
Sorry, but this article is kinda creepy.
i for one am a fan of Hooksexup personals -- there are plenty of jews on Hooksexup as well as people of all different stripes. There was a time when protestants were told to avoid dating catholics; today that sounds silly. Some day our grandchildren will be surprised to hear that so many people flocked to sites for specific religious affiliations.
I find that the following (see below) paragraph offensive. You would think that in this day and age, a woman journalist would have something more enlightened to say about Jewish women that this:
And the appeal of Jewish women to non-Jewish men? That's trickier to get at. On the topic of stereotypes, the non-Jewish men trawling JDate, as you may have guessed, do not write things like, "ISO whiny, frigid Rhonda Weiss/Sookie Sapperstein who'll let me hold her purse while she shops." Rather, they seem to come from the some-of-my-best-friends/girlfriends school. ("Maybe it's because I went to good schools and work on Wall Street," one guy suggests in his profile.)
I like that article. I don't care if someone don't. People with values and traditions should have respect to their roots. Black people do and Jews should do. Why it is not normal for Jew to be a patriots and It is good for any other religion? Must be something wrong with our people. They so LIBERAL than they lost their IDENTITY....
I'm not Jewish--by birth. But my wife was. And I am on JDate. I disagree with the premise that sheygitzes don't really care or want a Jewish woman. I was married to one for decades, she was my soulmate and she died. I feel so much more comfortable with Jews having grown up in Forest Hills Queens and now living in LA. In fact, I can't really see not being with one again. I never converted, but at my wife's funeral our rabbi declared me one of "the tribe" for having raised my kids as Jews and burying my wife in Mt. Sinai, where I will be let in. As an Israeli friend told me, "Jew, not Jew. What's the difference? Jon, there were 12 tribes of Israel. We found 2. We need the other 10 to show up."
Jdate was one unique site where I knew that everyone is Jewish. But now it is a mixture of Jews and non Jews. It is just simply annoying. The profiles are confusing. It is not clear at first if the member is Jewish or not. But I guess for you, Jdate.com, is just a business. Whoever pays. Very sad.
P.S. For you gentile members! If you have warm memories about being invited to our Jewish celebrations I'd like to disappoint you. We are not all good people. And if you are lucky enough to meet one who is good, there are other very complicated issues when you decide to marry a Jew. For once, a lot of hearts you break on both sides.
regarding Jdate. I sent an email to jdate vehemently objecting to opening up the website to non-Jews, I heard nothing.
One evening i confronted an evangelical who's profile was clear, she was trying to convert any Jewish man that would contact her, so I decided to confront her.
I asked her why she was trying to convert Jewish men, and she said that she wanted to save Jews, so I decided to nail her with the truth. I said, Christianity is a form of racism (I know this is the wrong word), not everyone can go to heaven, only those people who believed in Jesus can, but with Judaism, anyone can get to heaven. I expounded a bit further and left it at that, but about two weeks later the woman contacted me, and asked me if she could learn more, so I kept emailing her, and she kept responding, and guess what, she's converting to Judaism.
LOL at the comments here! I've heard some women get very angry messages from other women upset that they were looking for Jewish men. I am on Jdate -I am black and non-jewish. My reasons-there are too many to discuss but the fact is the reasons are my own. There are interracial sites where men can go to meet black women. Some black women object to a man wanting to date them because they're black and some like it. I think it depends on how the person of the other culture is determining it and stereotyping. Any white guy that thinks he can reel me in by professing his love for rap music isn't getting a date-because it means he hasn't even tried to learn anything about my culture outside of modern stereotypes. However, there are real differences in cultures and upbringing and there is no reason why a person can't respect another culture and feel more comfortable with it. Mutual respect in my opinion is the foundation for a lasting relationship.
Great article!
You know, the old stereotype may play a role here too. A lot of women look for a guy who will support them economically...and what was the #1 stereotype of Jews again?
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