Are you romancing a disgruntled miner?
A Valentine’s Day movie, called Valentine’s Day, released two days before Valentine’s Day? How groundbreaking! Especially when you realize it’s a romantic comedy (shock!) starring Julia Roberts and Jessica Alba (double shock!). It’s billed as a film for couples, meaning you should take a date, and you’re encouraged to laugh at people who go see it alone. Or, you can skip it. In which case, don’t despair; there are plenty of other movies to watch this Valentine’s Day, no matter who you are:
1. For Those Who Associate Valentine’s Day with Murder, Canadians:
My Bloody Valentine
Does February 14 make you feel like someone’s stabbing your heart with an axe-pick? Then this is the movie for you. Filmed in Nova Scotia and released in 1981, this horror film centers on the sole survivor of a coal-mining accident, who goes on a revenge-driven rampage and proves once and all for that Canadians know both murder and love.
2. For The Desperate Few Who Can’t Find Human Love
Lars and the Real Girl
For some people, finding another human being with whom to share this life can be a struggle. Perhaps you weren’t blessed with the best of looks or with a winning personality. Perhaps you enjoy the music of The Bloodhound Gang. In any case, there’s a movie for you. Lars overcomes his relationship problems with people by falling in love with an inanimate object. I’m not saying that this is the way to go, but it can’t be any worse than spending another night alone listening to Hooray for Boobies, can it?
3. For Single White Females:
Single White Female
Rarely does a movie have its demographic in the title (see also: Gay Republicans), and this one had the added intrigue of Bridget Fonda and Jennifer Jason Leigh getting into a fight. It’s the perfect movie for a, well, single white female on Valentine’s Day…along with some Haagen-Dazs.
4. For Couples Hoping to Get Laid After Dinner:
Teeth
You’d think it’d be a foregone conclusion: it’s Valentine’s Day, you make reservations, eat a prix-fixe dinner at a mid-range restaurant, and then, bam, sweet lovemaking. If, however, you bring your date back to her apartment only to find the mood has vanished, pop in this recent cult favorite. Not having sex can be a good thing; at least you don’t have to worry about “vagina dentata.”
5. For People Who Drink to Dull the Pain:
Die Hard: With a Vengeance
A breakup can be pretty hard, even for a man as manly as John McClane. But that doesn’t stop him from snapping out of his hangover long enough to jump onto a moving subway car, escape from a ticking bomb, and even call the love of his life. Men, what have you done lately?
6. For Bookstore Owners/ People Who Get Stood Up:
You’ve Got Mail
Getting stood up sucks, but sometimes you might just be dodging a bullet. I’m not going to explain the circumstances behind Meg Ryan getting stood up by Tom Hanks, or why they get together at the conclusion of the film. I’m not even going to explain why I’ve seen this movie in the first place; but trust me: they should have stayed apart. Because in the end, he’s really not interested in her, only in destroying her indie bookstore. That should bring you some solace as you drink cheap, red wine, alone.
7. For Those Who Like to Geek out on History:
The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre
It’s not all about the candy hearts and “I Wuv You” cards on Valentine’s Day. Sometimes, it’s about something else colored red: blood. In 1929, seven people died on February 14 in a gunfight between two rival Chicago gangs, one headed by Al Capone and the other by Bugs Moran. Some forty years later, Roger Corman decided to make a film about it. The result is a movie with a title that’s both literal and a good metaphor for any couple breaking up on Valentine’s Day.
8. For People Who Actually Believe in True Love:
Back to the Future
Because flying DeLoreans aside, isn’t movie about the relationship between Doc and Marty? And doesn’t it prove that gay or straight, white-haired or perpetually young, mad scientist or aspiring rock star, love truly does conquer all?