Having a dick is hard.

As a female-bodied person, I have yet to break my dick off, but I did once accidentally shut my nipple in my laptop after a particularly exhilarating episode of Top Chef: Masters, so hear me out, people. 

The following cock-related horror stories will make you want to wear a male chastity belt for the rest of your life:

1. Penile Frenulum Tear

"Last tuesday [sic] I got a lapdance at my local strip club, she was very aggressive, lots of mutual dry humping, the way I like it. And I've gotten the dance with her before many times with little trouble. This time though afterwards it felt a little strange down there. Eventually I noticed along my frenulum [which connects the foreskin to the penis] had turned from skin color (helps to add I am a white male) to a disturbing black tone as if something was wrong with blood flow in there or something. I figured it would pass. Then last Friday night while masturbating, it tore. It was not especially painful, and felt ok after a few seconds, but it didn't look ok."

A few things are disconcerting about this: the use of the terms "my local strip club" and "the way I like it," oh and the fact that he tore his dick skin.

 

2. Burst Blood Vessels

"I was soaping up and there was this big fucking bump that went the length of that crease in my leg where it meets the pelvis. I was like, "What the fuck is that?" Then I realized my balls were inflating like balloons… It was getting blacker and yellower. It was getting disgusting, turning really dark. Considering I'm pasty as hell, I thought, This is what gangrene looks like."

Nothing says "sexy" like having your jewels swell up to the size of a navel orange.

 

3. Penis Captivitus

"When the penis is within the vagina it becomes increasingly engorged. The muscles of the woman's pelvic floor contract rhythmically at orgasm… While those muscles contract, the penis becomes stuck and further engorged within [the vagina] until the muscles relax, blood can flow out… if you're in that situation that probably seems like an eternity rather than just five or ten seconds."

"Yeahhh girl, I want to be outside of you. Haha, but seriously, I'm done now."

 

4. Broken Penis (Penile Fracture)

"The horrifying event occurred when I was on top and my (rather well endowed…) boyfriend was pretty much flat on his back with his feet on the floor. Dorm beds and my total lack of coordination being what they are, I lost my balance and tumbled backwards. There was an audible "pop," and when I'd regained my balance, my boyfriend was doubled over in a silent scream like something out of a medieval painting. Needless to say, it was something of a boner-killer."

All of my sexual encounters are "horrifying events." Guess I'm doing something right.

 

Now for the wild cards, verbatim descriptions from ER admittance records:

• "Shut a DVD case on penis"

• "While putting on pj's he hit his penis against the wall"

• "Was sitting on couch @ home, when sibling threw a large toy truck at him hitting penis. Trauma."

• "Was at a water park and ran into pole. Forehead and penis contusion."

 

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