After the Patriarchy
by Jay McInerney
July 19, 2006
A large office looking out over midtown Manhattan. The view is from the east bank of the East River in Queens, perhaps fifteen stories up. Across the river are some familiar landmarks, including the Chrysler building, although not the Empire State. It's evening. There ís no desk, just a chaise with a tiny flat screen extended via an aluminum arm above the middle of the chaise. Sloane is an attractive, ageless, middle-aged woman with a sleek helmet of hair, a la Louise Brooks. On one wall there are several screens that show images of Sloane with other middle-aged women on a golf course, at a banquet table, and a meeting — corporate portraits. With a remote control she changes the images — one of her on a beach in a bikini, one in a tight, low-cut ballgown with a handsome man, another of her on a horse. The opposite wall is taken up by a much larger screen, which shows an image of a minimalist canvas — Sol Lewitt, perhaps. She quickly flashes through a series of paintings — Pollock, Motherwell, Picasso, some stuff we don't recognize — before settling on Caravaggio's Bacchus: the pretty urchin/angel with full lips and flowers in his hair. She switches through some music before settling on something trancey.
Enter Chris, her assistant, a younger man dressed in a tight-fitting black T-shirt and tight yellow bicycle shorts, which do nothing to hide his taut, buff physique. His long blond hair is tied back in a ponytail. And, most conspicuous of all, he's wearing a codpiece, a big red bulging thing.
Chris: You wanted to see me?
Sloane: Come in, come in. My God, what a day. Between the meetings and the phone and the mail there's barely time to breathe, let alone to think. I think it's important to take the time to look up from the screen and ask ourselves how we're doing. You know, you've been here almost three months, and I feel like we haven't really had the chance to talk since I hired you.
Chris: (Looking confused.) Should I be recording this?
Sloane: No, no, no — we're off duty here. Sit down, relax. This is strictly unofficial. I don't know about you, but I could use a drink.
Chris: (Looking ruefully at his watch, shakes his head.) No thanks. I'm fine.
Sloane: (Goes over to the bookshelf; a sliding panel reveals a small bar.) Come on, join me.
Chris: I'm not much of a drinker.
Sloane: Sometimes you have to unstring the bow. (She hands him a drink.)
Chris: It's just that I still have work to do on the Pensky file.
Sloane: There's always a Pensky file. There's always another account, another campaign. I mean, honestly, do you want to be dotting the i's and crossing the t's on the Pensky files for the rest of your life? I thought you had more ambition than that. Honestly, I thought you had more vision than that. That's why I hired you, Chris. I didn't think you were just another pretty face.
Chris: I'm not. I do. I mean, I like to think so.
Sloane: (Sitting down on the couch beside him.) Vision, Chris. Sometimes you have to step back to see the big picture. That's your problem. That's the problem men have in business. I don't mean to sound sexist, but most men are too linear, too literal-minded, too goal-directed. Life, which is to say business, is not all about the Pensky file. The shortest distance between two points isn't necessarily a straight line. Men don't really get that. It's not like there's some vast conspiracy to keep you guys down. But business requires a certain fluidity of perception, a certain Gestalt approach that I think most men lack. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but I kind of sensed you were different.
Chris: I am. I mean, I think I am. I'd like to be.
Sloane: (Looking out the window.) I don't suppose you even remember the Empire State Building?
Chris: I've heard of it. I mean, I know what happened and all . . .
Sloane: I was very young, of course. But still . . . Living through those times changed us. I don't think you can really imagine what that was like back in the last days of the patriarchy . . . (Sighs.) Let me get us a refill.
Chris: I'm fine.
Sloane: Chris — Have I been talking to myself here? Maybe you should be recording this. Lesson number one: relax.
Chris: Well, I guess one more drink wouldn't hurt.
Sloane: No, it wouldn't. It might give you a little flow. Unclog the channels. Business isn't all business, Chris. It's a continuum. Life, business, work, pleasure. It flows. Men basically compartmentalize. This is their problem. Do you know, some of the best business ideas, the best relationships and the biggest deals come out of time spent in the salon or the spa or the wine bar? It's not all about sitting with your face in front of the screen staring at spreadsheets. It's not about slaving away in the office twelve hours a day. Business travels home with you and it happens on the tennis court and at the gym. (She sits down next to him on the couch and runs her hand along his leg.) My goodness, somebody's been going to the gym.
Chris: Not as much as I'd like. Mostly I cycle.
Sloane: You didn't get those pecs riding a bicycle. Please tell me they're not implants.
Chris: No way.
Sloane: It's so hard to tell these days. And what about these? (Stroking his abs.) You're telling me you haven't had anything done? How about here? My God. I thought that was padding!
Chris: Please, that is . . . I don't really feel comfortable.
Sloane: No, actually, if I'm not mistaken, you're starting to feel hard.
Chris: I can't . . . I'm . . .
Sloane: So is this all you, or have you had the procedure?
Chris: Of course not.
Sloane: I don't know why you say "of course not." Two-thirds of the men I've slept with have had it. I mean, I'm not necessarily complaining. In the old days it was kind of like rolling the dice, you never knew what you were going to get. A girl ran the risk of being seriously underwhelmed by a new beau. She even ran the risk of being knocked up for nine months if she wasn't careful. It's hard to imagine carrying a fetus around inside of you for nine months, but that's what our mothers did. So you're telling me this is all you?
Chris: Please . . . don't.
Sloane: Your lips say no, but this . . . this says "yes." This says "Please." I'm pretty fluent in Johnsonian, and I'd say this is saying, "Put me somewhere warm and wet."
Chris: Stop it. Let go. That's not fair.
Sloane: I don't think you really mean that. You don't feel like you really mean that.
Chris: Did you put something in my drink? Oh my God, you did, didn't you? You put something in my drink!
Sloane: What makes you think I put something in your drink? Do you normally have trouble in this area? Do you have erectile dysfunction? Why would you be surprised to find yourself aroused? Are you implying that I'm not attractive enough to stimulate you? Do you find me so unappealing?
Chris: No, it's not that.
Sloane: It's inconceivable to you that you could be turned on by me? You think I'm too old?
Chris: I don't think you're too old. I think you're very attractive. And not old.
Sloane: And yet you find it inexplicable that you would respond to me without some kind of pharmaceutical help.
Chris: I'm sorry . . . I didn't mean . . . please, don't do that . . . Oh, God. Oh my God.
Sloane: Mmmmmm . . .
Chris: Oh, Jesus.
Sloane: Ummn hmmm . . . I love spearmint.
Chris: No, really. Don't. Stop.
Sloane: Don't stop?
Chris: No. Stop.
Sloane: Well, that's a first.
Chris: I'm sorry. It's just . . . I have a girlfriend.
Sloane: So do I. Maybe we should call her.
Chris: I'm just not comfortable with . . . I don't know . . .
Sloane: You know, for a guy who's all prudish, you sure dress like a slut. I mean, if those shorts were any tighter . . . And likewise the shirt. Are you really going to stand there and tell me you're not flaunting it?
Chris: I dress for myself. This is how I like to dress. I'm not trying to provoke anyone.
Sloane: Right. You're telling me that those shorts are actually comfortable. Face it, you dress for us. You dress to please. You're showing off the equipment. And then you act all innocent when someone actually answers your little personal ad. Well, don't worry. Your virtue is safe with me, Chris. And your job is safe. Though I honestly don't see you rising very far in this organization.
Chris: Not many men do, as far as I can see.
Sloane: When they do, they end up quitting as soon as they get married.
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