I think I could give you a small suggestion. I read your whole essay...but the first paragraph about the man that wore his letter jacket struck me. You don't appreciate people for their uniqueness, and the kind of guys you are interested are "cliche" and fit the mold. Until you begin to notice people for the things that set them apart, you're in for nothing but hurt. God bless, Good Luck
--JH
11/19 |
This is an incredible source of embarrassment for all involved. No one should treated this way. No one.
--fm
11/03 |
Ron, check out clip hunter. It was there a couple of months ago and please think of yourself and your own life.
--ts
09/29 |
I felt like I had wrote this story myself. It seems that this is how my life has been going except my fuck buddy got married 6months ago and I have tried to find a new one.
--bw
05/18 |
hi whoud u be my sexmate
--
04/02 |
check out uporn....video entitled chicago slut. Not sure if you can search on it......it's a number of pages back. Very flattering jpeg....little blurry but you will enjoy. Must have been shot from a cell phone
--JB
12/23 |
I'd say pathetic is a pretty good word. Do all these people have "member" envy?? What's the point? Its clearly an indictment of the parents....where were they when these behaviours were developed? Sleeping? Cheating themselves. Very sad.
--rmb
12/23 |
guys or girls as the case maybe. this girl has always and always will be a slut. I knew her 10 years ago. Her husband must be either a swinger or brain dead. Funny thing is for those that don't know her you can be swayed by the apparent contradictions in her personality. For those that knew her, she was always the choice of last resort......sorry..... (10 beer minimum). A good friend told me this was up after seeing some jpeg of her and some guy on some porno site.
--MRB
12/15 |
It's an inside joke for those that went to school with her. No worries dude!!
--mg
11/30 |
Yes, shes lives in Chicago. No idea what her address is but she works for an insurance company. Your best bet is to wait until 10pm or so and cruise the financial district. Look for a large fake blond with blue eyes. What does Univ of Texas have to do with this. It must be the snow/rain in Chi-town that keeps us bored!!!
--YKI
11/30 |
Hook em long horns. April is around the corner!!!!!!
--mg
11/30 |
Historical tags don't work anymore. Just work on yourself and leave judgment to others. What may be good for one person may not be for someone else. Emotional states can be static or variable. I think those that are in a static state of unattached intimacy are perpetually in that state.
--OA
11/30 |
Honest yes this is...pathetic it is as well. If you fall into this category, don't get married. If you fall into this category, use condoms and get checked frequently. I have a friend who was married and was recently diagnosed with cervical cancer. She could go a few months without an encounter, but years of very risky behaviour caught up with her. She often lied to everyone around her in defense of her activity. She slept with people at work with some frequency. Now she is a total mess.
--jb
11/30 |
Ah yes. Really interesting discussion. I used to be like some of the people on this forum. Apparently, folks haven't found a soulmate that represents both friendship and intimacy. The two can exist together. In fact, without it this world would face extinction by virtue of disease. They guy who had blood on him should get checked out. That's not right.
--ASC
11/27 |
Always looking for a quickie. Where does this girl live? And how do I connect with her? Live in chicago proper. Is she pretty????
--dfg
11/26 |
Please don't tell her husband. I'm an avid reader of this blog. Its really entertaining and informative. What is life without a good one nights stand? If you take her out of the loop, you disadvantage those that need a good orgasm. Let her suffer whatever fate is destined for her but don't make it bad for those of us that look for a good cum!!!!!
--DMS
11/26 |
I know exactly how you feel. I'm not good at the long term dating thing either. I always preferred a good hook up to the forced niceties of dating because it never lasts. I'm on my second divorce. All I'm really interested in is a good orgasm once in a while to keep me sane and work off stress i.e. fwb.
--sls
10/10 |
"When one of these late-night discussions revealed that he was actively dating other girls, I was surprised by how upset I became" And I wonder how upset the men that you used became, once they discovered that YOU were using THEM? Well, now you know what it feels like, dont you! Because people who use people, also get used. Thats my opinion.
--none
08/13 |
This is awesome, nice to know someone else out there feels the same way as me. I'm terrified of commitment. I only want what I can't have. But I always seem to at least want one more night with the guy again. Who knows..all us girls are crazy..haha..but hey you are only young once so live it up!
--DEM
07/22 |
BECAUSE ALL WOMEN LIKE YOU ARE SLUTS AND WHORES
--nm
04/27 |
sure would love to have her for a fuck-buddy..if she's anything like the girl pictured..
--st
01/08 |
The comments on this column seem to conform to the simplistic framework that the author constructs: That it is a either 1. a sign of independence and confidence if a single woman engages in NSA sex without searching for lasting intimacy through normative dating behavior, or 2. that the author is clearly fucked up and engages in this behavior due to some deep seated psychological issue and fears of genuine relationships. I suspect that both descriptions have a ring of truth, however, as a young male whose had a bit of NSA myself, I make a conscious effort to avoid the kind of objectification and hyper-criticism of my partners. This is not a healthy and fun pattern of female-driven no-strings-attached sex, rather it's a purposeful avoidance of satisfying intimacy through inane and apparently, in many cases, unreasonably superficial criticism of any man foolish enough to briefly consider her worthy of anything more than a cheap fuck. Men objectify women in much the same way out of narcissism, insecurity, and self-loathing, but it pains me to think that the author is unable to see this in herself, as she seems to think she is so clearly and artfully flouting social convention in having casual sex. How shockingly libertine! What a confident and stable young woman she must be! She truly must reject conventional gender roles and the ridiculous double standards that govern female sexuality in our society! Not pathetic, just sadly narcissistic foolishness and good ol' fashioned bitchery masquerading as sex-positive feminism. I suspect that it is ultimately a fear of happiness and lack of imagination that prevents her from engaging in a healthy polymorous/swinging/open relationship lifestyle that might actually provide her the best of both worlds, but I guess then she'd have nothing to complain about.
--MAT
10/19 |
yea. i totally feel the same way and have been grappling between wanting a relationship and not wanting one. i hate that trapped feeling, it occurs as soon as he shows more than the usual amount of interest. and for the record i've been fucking this same guy on/off for about 2.5 years.. most recently at least 2x a month.. but we are not dating. gather my wits sometimes not being about to define something is better than having all of it and not knowing what to do with it. fuck on!
--RJ
09/24 |
Greetings Miss Scott, The silent Pitter Patter of my eyes along the screen is accompanied only by my mind thinking ( structure of thoughts in the Colesian Head: what a nice, logical girl thinks about things similar to the way I ponder bet she'd be a good Fuck). The rituals of life ( a.k.a the Robbinsian maintenance) do take the fun out of the immesuably fantastique experionce of Sex. I salute you and I'll be at your place in 15 minutes :) I couldn't help myself call it habbit. Ah lest I remember to forget, the tiddlywacks of a humorous personality bring everything to life. Felicita' e buone Cose
--ECM
09/08 |
WOW! I couldn't stop reading this essay. It was so honest.
--cM
08/31 |
I think this is a gorgeous story. Obviously some of us don't think casual sex is OK, but the writer seems not to either. The author is not running around banging the town without a care in the world. She had sadly given up on relationships, she's frustrated, she's hurt. So she uses this method to help quell that basic intrinsic need for social connection - when she truly is convinced she fails at all others (bad dating experience, even difficulty with friends). I can't criticize that.
--KL
08/19 |
Pathetic!
--IA
08/17 |
Thank you for your honesty and humor. I loved it!
--NG
07/25 |
There's nothing wrong with having lots and lots of one-night stands (ok, be safe, protect yourself and your partner, all that). But making fun of the guys you're with to their faces and in front of your friends, "excoriating" them, as you say, well, honey, that ain't right. Unless you're answering a personals ad from someone who specifically asks you to make him feel like shit, don't treat people that way.
--BT
07/18 |
I liked your writing ,it reminded me a bit of myself. On the other hand, it's amazing once you're actually feeling something towards someone.....isn't it??? I guess you're changing, like it or not! Enjoy Life!!!
--HJ
07/15 |
JL, Thank you for sharing these intimate details of your life and feelings. If I may make a suggestion; life is not a choice between standard dating and one night stands. Instead of struggling between these two depressing choices (awkward conversation/lives only intersecting in bed). Perhaps, as you meet men, you could get to known them the way that you have gotten to know your female friends. Somewhere down the line, when you start to care about one of them, then have sex. There is a whole world out there of feelings and experiences that you have denied yourself. Take a chance, you only live once.
--JR
07/15 |
How did you like my Pink Prickly Pear Margarita, kind of sweet huh?
--MS
06/21 |
Ultimately we are who we choose to be. If we are something other than what we want to be, then there is work to be done. Is the writer's behavior all of her own choice? Or is she driven by fear of loosing herself? Does she even know why she makes the choices she makes? Most people are irritating some way or another. (The writer certainly is irritating). That is part of human character. It is up to you to decide whether it is worthwhile to live with another person's character defects to get the considerable benefits of having a partner for love and life.
--SPM
06/18 |
Fuck buddies seem like a good solution to the problem of having hormones and physical needs without having one's soulmate present in their life. Most healthy adults need sex as part of their life. I had a one night stand with a woman who turned out to be attemting to be my counselor. Sex as therapy. Sex can iron out alot of the kinks that develop in everyday life. The story is written by someone in the middle of their life process. I knew someone in college much like the author. They are now happily married and own a home. I wish I had more one night only's. There never seems to be any expectation of the act turning into anything more than physical satisfation. I've never had a woman remove her panties before meeting me though-even if we were headed straight for the bedroom. I kind of like taking them off.
--AH
06/18 |
um, wow. So one twenty-four year old girl is confused about sex and doesn't want a relationship. At least she's honest (and a fun writer!) No need to get so huffy
--ES
06/16 |
This is horrible, absolutely terrible. I see by the responses here, and the article itself... there are a lot of confused notions here in regards to what is and isnt healthy verses what is and isnt the actions of an independent person. One night stands as a continuous and indeed habitual behavior are unquestionably un-healthy for men and women. Condoms break, women forget to take their pills, etc... In addition to that one night stands serve only sexual needs, when sex is actually intended as a component of pair-bonding, which is entwined with emotional well-being. This doesnt require puritan uber-monogomous sexual abstinance, it just means that in general one should be heading ina direction of creating healthy relationships, even if they aren't intended to be long-term or marriage they should be positive. The overwhelmingly negaitve light this article conveys clearly shows the problems when one begins to confuse sex and happiness and independance as directly correlated without other involved factors. The issue is not the occasional hook-up that many if not most well-adjusted modern people have had, it's the psychogical pattern displayed here where the act is not coincidental, but pathalogicaly repeated. The greatest fault here is that the author engages in dates as if they were absolutes, in the sense that the date is bound to fail because she some ellusive goal must be accomplished for it not to. When you go on a date you shouldnt have any objectives beyond meeting someone... thats it. If you like them great if not, whatever... that should be the entire extent of expectations when dating. If you feel youve got something to proove, or someone needs to proove they are "the one" for you, or something needs to happen to make it worthwhile, youve already lost. We see these unhealthy issues in men all the time, where if they dont "score" they are made to feel like they are less than a man, etc... which statisticly puts those men (and women) into significantly higher risk categories of sexual assualt, disease contraction , cancer (HPV, increased exposure to smoking/drinking/unhealthy dieting, etc..), abortion/undesired pregnancies, and poverty (in regards to a greater chance of early and/or single parenthood leading to lesser educational attainment and earning power). Here we have a similar pathos from a female perspective. I also would recomend getting a different therapist, this behavior is not positive, and potentially dangerous to both your mind and body... EXPECIALLY over the long term. You should be looking at dating in terms of just meeting new people (potential friends) and whatever happens... happens... not as a doomed endeavor causing you to use them and 'fuck buddies' simultaneously. If you find that your in a social setting and your friends are creating an environment where you feel to much pressure on dating expectations that causes your dates to endemicly fail (and thus causes you to look for sex without relationships) you should focus on changing your friends and environment to one where your not subject to such pressure and judgement. Sex or not DATING SHOULD JUST BE FUN. Theres a reason promiscuous sex is linked to shamefull and guilty feelings, and it isn't because of god, its designed to protect you (and those around you) from harm.
--LC
06/14 |
Fantastic. The problem is not that you're fucked-up- you're self-aware enough to find and think about your reasoning behind everything you do- but I think more of your devotion to the tradition of the strong, independent woman, and to your duty as a strong woman to provide examples and amusing stories to illustrate it. Rather than trying to change yourself or your thought processes, try going on as you do, only make a pact not to tell any of your friends or any other people about your dates or what happened, at least not until you're in a somewhat solid relationship. Then you can truly rule out what behavior is rooted in the "doing it for the story" and what comes from you.
--JLA
06/13 |
fantastic story. everyone who thinks "this girl needs help"--why don't YOU examine why the default state for a woman, in your mind, is a heteronormative relationship? what about a woman in control of herself, doing things the way that best works for her, terrifies you so? i hate dating, too. it's contrived and audition-y and restrictive. we all have to learn what works best for us, and it takes a lot of strength, sometimes, to do just that.
--cas
06/05 |
You wrote a nice story but I don't think you should get too much upset about that, if you are like me, you just have to take your time, enjoy what you are doing now, you're young (older than me) and its okay to have fun now, you don't have the obligation to do any serious dates, just try to meet new people, but even if I'm young I've had a long relationship I was with a girl for 3 years , at the first date she doesn't seemed my type really much and I've had high expectations but I tried to see her again some other time and I discovered lots of good things I wasn't looking for, you know love doesn't come if you can put a check on a checklist of what you want on a man. There are deeper things that you see after a while you hang out with a person. Anyway I'm only 20years old and I'm no one to say to you what you have to do but writing that feedback maked my mind clearer also héhé. Good luck
--Nick
06/05 |
Sometimes we humans just want sex without the complications too many of us feel the act obliges.
--RG
06/02 |
Not sad, but pathetic. Serious and deep psychologic issues, probably relating to her relationship with her father-figure (abuse?), making her incapable of establishing intimacy. Get your money back and a new therapist, cause the one you got ain't helping.
--Foo
05/31 |
I have to say I have never really understood dating, and especially not one night stands. It always has seemed preferable to take care of myself rather than to objectify some stranger. And safer.
--mck
05/31 |
Yes super story!Comes very near wel known feelings. BW's suggestion tickles me. Go write!
--
05/30 |
Sucks to be you
--Thom
05/29 |
wow- I'm 35 and have been in angst over dating for years. I know how to date "correctly" but I continually sabotage dates by being willing to get naked. That ensures that I don't have to play the game. I appreciate the article. It's nice to know we're not alone.
--KG
05/28 |
I don't think it's sad--I think it's a frank, well written declaration of independence from a girl who's not willing to settle . . . good for her!
--lm
05/28 |
what a truly sad story. i think you should take a break from dating as well as casual hookups for a while, maybe a long while, until you learn to love yourself.
--kr
05/28 |
This is a question for the male readers: Men I know have viewed their one-night stands as fun. Someone who only does one-night stands, say into their 30s, still enviable but also a little sad. But are there men who, at any point, consistently attach this much pain and doubt to their one-nighters?
--dh
05/28 |
I'll have to agree with S.F. (I'm a girl btw) The writer does seem to see herself in a deprecating light and brings her dates down with her without giving them a second chance, or a benefit of the doubt. Also...things sound good for the writer and the fuck buddy.
--P.A.
05/28 |
Boring
--DH
05/28 |
Hey, the first 20 years of my sex life, were, for the most part, a series of one (or two or three, but with no intention of "dating") night stands, interspersed with a few anomaly relationships. The sex-only relationships were ultimately more satisfying and more instructive; the "real" relationships only brought out expectations, followed by guilt and insecurities, that I couldn't--and never really wanted to--live up to. Here's to women experimenting with their sexuality until they find what they're looking for--men have been doing it for centuries!
--klk
05/26 |
I applaud the hell out of your honesty. As a girl who's had her share of no-strings sex, and not always been at peace with that, I know it's good to tell the truth... Personally, I don't think playing games is ever going to get you anywhere. Gotta find the balance between honesty and self-destructive behavior, methinks... good luck.
--LBC
05/26 |
I have to agree with KFG. The only thing wrong with what you're doing is that you seem to feel horribly guilty. Maybe you don't know exactly what you want, but if you know what makes you feel good, then do that, and cut yourself some slack. Of course, most of us guys would love know someone like you, so understand that we might have a bias. But really, you have your friends and you have your lovers; what's wrong with that?
--MJF
05/25 |
First off, I'm male. When I started reading your article my immediate reaction was, "Hot damn, this girl is FUCKED," but somewhere in the middle of it my perception did a complete 180. You're not fucked at all (figuratively anyway). I applaud you for embracing, enjoying and valuing your independence. Too many ignorant fools are all too willing to blindly surrender to the codependency dance that seems to define the modern relationship. You don't want to have asinine small-talky bullshit conversations with strangers? Good for you! You just want some hot dick action? Great! Go get some. Just do yourself one favor and stop judging yourself and/or comparing yourself to your friends. Maybe, as you said, when the person and place are right you'll settle into a relationship. Or maybe you've got some deep-rooted childhood intimacy issues that need to be worked out. Either way, its all good. It sounds like you've got a strong head on your shoulders - trust it.
--KFG
05/25 |
Huh. Not sure what to think of this--on one hand, it is excruciatingly honest and well written, but on the other--aww! I want to give this girl a hug.
--KOC
05/25 |
This essay made me feel unbelievably sad.
--SS
05/25 |
Can I have your number?
--guy
05/24 |
There are two things conspicuously missing from this story. One is any evidence of concern for the people on the receiving end of this treatment. The other is anything that makes it sound like this -- dating online, hooking up -- might be, y'know, fun. The writer sounds like someone who's profoundly depressed, so much so that she's incapable of much in the way of empathy. (Or maybe I'm reversing cause and effect? Either way, it makes me sad.) Viewing other people with a little more compassion can go a surprisingly long way towards making life more fun.
--S.F.
05/24 |
I loved this story. It's a great description of being between the "script" and a hard place. We all go there if we have any imagination at all, but few live to tell about it. Write on.
--B.W.
05/24 |
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