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47
Sep 9th, 2009

Experiment: To attempt to have affairs with married women via AshleyMadison.com. (Hey, back off — they're clearly not getting the good stuff at home!)

Hypothesis: There are married women out there; they want me; I want them, and Ashley Madison will bring us together for illicit amoral roistering.

Materials:
• Sense of guilt, shelved
• Loyalty to my fellow men, abandoned
• Ashley Madison account
• Wedded women

Background and a disclaimer: by nature I'm a one-woman man. Yes, right now I'm actually in an open relationship, but whenever I've been in something serious and monogamous, I didn't have any problems staying true. That said, I'm not a hardliner about other people cheating, especially if the cheater in question isn't getting any loving from their partner but can't leave him or her for economic reasons or because of the kids or for a number of other legitimate factors. Under those circumstances, I feel that the under-attentive spouse might well be getting what he or she deserves.

What I often wonder about, however, is why someone who wants an actual relationship starts things off with a married person. Aren't relationships hard enough without adding that complication to things? And how comforting can it be that your new friend is willing to run around on his or her spouse, lying all the while? To me, if you're going to be with a married person, it should just be light and playful, an adventurous physical thing, not something you're taking seriously.

And because I'm in an open relationship with a woman who actually lives with her other boyfriend (who knows all about me — long story), seeing a married person would be pretty much the ideal arrangement. I'm extremely happy with my girlfriend and not going anywhere, I just need to keep things symbolically even by stepping out on the side while she's with boyfriend #1. And I know I'm not going to be able to provide anyone else a whole lot of emotional engagement, so I want their expectations low.

Isn't everyone entitled to a little affection?

Single women often tell me they understand where I'm coming from (your basic emotionally unavailable asshole, right?), but my experience is that it can be hard to keep things sufficiently un-serious. With a married woman, there might be a much better chance, so Ashley Madison, here I come!

Method: For those of you who don't already know, AshleyMadison.com is a personals website for married people or those who want to get with married people. Their motto — "Life is short. Have an affair" — is perhaps overly glib, but, again, if you're suffering through a loveless, sexless marriage and can't get out of it, I think I have to agree. Isn't everyone entitled to a little affection?

Compared to the interminable eHarmony profile process, filling out my Ashley Madison page felt like going through the EZ Pass lane. Actually, it felt like trying to pick someone up in the EZ Pass lane, since you don't get to reveal a whole hell of a lot about yourself or find out much about them. You pretty much only get to put up photos (which, if you're married, you might well be discouraged to do), give your vitals (which everyone seems to lie about), fill in boxes for what kind of interaction you're after (there were far too many people listing just "cyber chat"), as well as the kinds of fooling around you like (there's "light, kinky fun" but no "heavy, Rick James enslavement," sadly) and some activities that you'd enjoy doing (fine dining, sure, but sailing? How much time will we have?). Granted, they let you add a line at the end for each section, but it's still pretty superficial. (Oh, but wait, I'm looking for superficial encounters — I guess that's okay!)

I filled out my profile, rounding my height up an inch to six feet even (I figured anyone who puts 5'11" is likely to look like Danny DeVito). I was honest about my weight and age (north of thirty-five but south of 175). I said I was looking for "anything goes" (anything?), and listed myself as single, as there was no box for the rather particular nature of my romantic life. (Though I'm surprised they didn't have an "It's complicated" box for people going through divorce, engaged but wondering, etc. Here of all places I thought they'd be sensitive to the range of situations.)

I clicked enter, took my moral temperature (turpitude), and looked myself in the mirror. Was this the face of a home-wrecker?

Comments ( 47 )

Well, I had always wondered what that would be like. Thanks for doing that for me. Check one off the list.

Sam commented on Sep 09 09 at 12:31 pm

"Our libraries don't overlap, but that's okay". Love it!

AD commented on Sep 10 09 at 12:46 am

funny, i am a serial match.com dater, but i don't think i could do this. i do not say that judgmentally.

td commented on Sep 09 09 at 1:14 pm

How depressing it all sounds.

SG commented on Sep 09 09 at 1:51 pm

I like to think of myself as open-minded, but agree with LF: I just don't understand cheating. It's like, if you're that unhappy - break up, divorce, etc. But this is an interesting look into a whole other world...

kel commented on Sep 09 09 at 2:43 pm

Sounds like fun. I enjoy my open marriage as does my wife, though we're too busy most of the time now. To the anti-cheaters: why pretend that marriage is a sentence to little-or-no sex? For most of us marriage is about loving and nurturing. Often sex works much better with other partners (it does with us and our other partners). It means I have a great marriage and a great sex life--and I give my wife the credit.

I admire Ashley Madison for making that possible for others.

PF commented on Sep 09 09 at 6:33 pm

I definitely agree with JS, dealing with other peoples perceptions of open relationships is a huge difficulty. It's amazing how offended people can be by something that shouldn't affect them anyway.

MC commented on Sep 09 09 at 6:50 pm

to reply to PFabove, I completely admire your situation and think it's great.. but you say that your marriage is open, so it's not "cheating". Cheating is very upsetting to a lot of peple for the betrayal of trust and the lying. I've found that when it's jus about the "actual" sex, people get much less upset.

RR commented on Sep 09 09 at 6:56 pm

@kel: If only it were always so simple. I have four children by my wife of 15 years. She's not perfect, and neither am I. But even though the thrill is largely gone, she's a decent person and a good mother. What she isn't is sexually engaged, and over the years that's become a bigger and bigger problem. Should I leave her over that? Abandon my children? Leave them and her destitute? If anyone's looking for a definition of betrayal, that would be a pretty good one. One the other hand, am I supposed to just abandon any hope of sexual satisfaction? "Sorry, your erotic life is infrequent and dull...tough shit." Is that what nice guys get...fantasy and the hand, and that's it? I haven't had an affair, and I don't have an AshleyMadison account, but I can't say I haven't thought about it.

SM commented on Sep 09 09 at 10:49 pm

That was pretty damn good writing.

TH commented on Sep 11 09 at 12:24 am

@ SM. I guess I just can't relate, but I'm only 24. Maybe I've watched too many Disney movies, but I would hope sex exists within marriage?? Ack!

kel commented on Sep 10 09 at 1:12 pm

Hate to burst Kel's bubble some more - but sometimes even if there is sex in the marriage ... it's not enough. Good story - I had put my profile up on a local kinksters website (with full disclosure that I am married) and got many intriguing replies - but, in the end, I chickened out and deleted my profile. And so it goes....

EBB commented on Sep 10 09 at 2:22 pm

I agree with you that it's a great option for open marriages and relationships, but here's where I think the "trapped in a loveless relationship" is a total cop-out: did you (not Mr. Harrison specifically, but the universal, cheating you) ever talk to you spouse about the lack of sex and romance in the relationship? I feel like too often we're a society of convenience and if you're not satisfied in your current relationship, instead of taking the grown-up path, you take the path of least resistance. Maybe your wife/husband is also feeling neglected, maybe s/he too feelz "trapped", and maybe s/he too is just waiting for the kids to grow up so you can divorce already. Affairs can be perfectly healthy for all involved, but I think playing the victim seeking love through a secret meetup behind your spouce's back is cowardly, and honestly says more about your inability to be honest about your needs than it does the spouce's ability to satisfy in bed.

JAB commented on Sep 10 09 at 3:48 pm

So much bad karma is coming your way, I hope you realize this. What goes around comes around. You can explain it away all you want but it doesn't make it right and I'm sure you know that. The women were just as wrong as you but just because they were willing doesn't make it okay. You are a sad person indeed.

JA commented on Sep 10 09 at 6:06 pm

Yeah, Ashley Madison is for people who have admitted to themselves that their marriage isn't working but are too chickenshit to actually do something about it--whether "something" means trying to work it out or divorcing. Sorry, but adultery hurts people and there's really no excuse for it.

MW commented on Sep 10 09 at 6:31 pm

ahh, THERE are those high horses i was waiting for

tmp commented on Sep 10 09 at 6:55 pm

I was really dreading your story, but like a car crash, wanted to read it anyways. I understand how the crash happened, but still wish someone would have prevented it. I understand how it fits into your lifestyle, but really dread the pain that the others involved may inflict with the breach of trust. I do however commend your honesty in this situation. The website, and it's target audience is upsetting, but might be of use finding other open couples if we decide to finally open up our bed.
-30 something, 7-years married, almost sexually satisfied (there are some medial issues we are working on fixing that should help this).

JW commented on Sep 10 09 at 7:01 pm

Well said, JAB.

CPR commented on Sep 10 09 at 8:08 pm

I had a great experience with Ashley Madison, found a lover who was the best I'd ever had.
I'm married, with a hubby who actually wants me to step out (He vetted the guys when I started looking) I know how rare that is, bur i was faithful and enjoyed our sex life for years. Only recently has Hubby lost interest in sex, for all sorts of reasons, and I feel really fortunate that I am able to have a lover. To the people who think it will never happen to them or that cheating is always bad, life changes, and you can't know how. It is definitely better to not destroy a marriage and a life just so one part of the couple can be sexually fulfilled. My lover was married with 2 kids, and wife was just not interested. I think she eventually figured it out and realized it was better to let sleeping dogs lie, since it affected her lifestyle not at all.

ab commented on Sep 10 09 at 8:45 pm

It's nice to pretend that honorable people just get divorced and that's that, but have any of you actually been through one where the ex will punish you mercilessly for 2-3 years, send people to try and kill you, and spread slander to damage your reputation because you had the Hooksexup to leave their sorry asses? That happened to me when I tried to go the honorable route, and 5 years later still deal with the horrendous aftermath of that psychopathic bitch. Maybe cheating would have been an easier option...high horses indeed. Until you've survived domestic violence - mental or physical - you have no clue what it's like to try and leave such a situation.

LHN commented on Sep 11 09 at 6:42 am

It's more and more alarming how judgmental a society we've become. Comments like JA's and MW's are of a piece with the hardened political debate going on in the USA for far too long now. "No, don't bother me with troublesome details like the myriad complications of other folks' marriages, it's obvious and absolute that every person's relationship should be identical to my own, thereby justifying my comfortable views and invalidating those of anyone who sees things a bit differently." We cannot keep dissing others because they don't think the way we do. It's wrecking the body politic in America. Please let's not let it extend to topics like this one.

JM commented on Sep 11 09 at 9:51 am

honestly, america as a culture has so many hang-ups about sex. you want to sleep with one other person outside your marriage? DIVORCE! STAY AWAY FROM YOUR HUSBAND. YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS DOOMED. egads.

gee commented on Sep 11 09 at 10:09 am

KEL - Just to keep hope alive, I've been married for almost 20 years and our sex life is better than it's ever been. We married and had children very young by modern standards and although there have been periods of difficulty, I think we grew up together and realized that all the nonsense that gets in the way is meaningless. So yes Virginia, there is ex after marriage. What I found disquieting about the article is not that there are people seeking sexual satisfaction outside their marriage, that is understandable, but that several of the subjects were really looking for an emotional connection or partner. That is the kind of "cheating" that really inflicts damage on the spouse left behind. If my wife told me she wanted to have a fling to spice up her sex life that would be entirely different and less damaging than a long term affair based on the need for an emotional connection.

SG commented on Sep 11 09 at 10:11 am

@ SG - thanks! So informative and thoughtful.

kel commented on Sep 11 09 at 10:48 am

The bad karma doesn't come from sleeping with someone other than the spouse, it comes from keeping the entire idea and execution secret. If your spouse isn't meeting your needs, isn't the least they deserve the chance to do something about that? I would also argue that 'not enough sex' problems are probably linked with 'not enough emotional engagement' or other such issues going the other way. So yes, there is something terribly childish in making a couple's problem purely the fault of one, and deciding to punish them by going behind their back and doing something that will hurt them (hopefully only emotionally - STI's, anyone?). It is another situation where the spouse knows, and fine if they are OK with it. Surely the solution, though, is to stop rushing into marriage and wait until you find the person who you are compatible with, instead of getting to 70% and thinking, hey that'll do?

TM commented on Sep 12 09 at 12:50 pm

The bad karma doesn't come from sleeping with someone other than the spouse, it comes from keeping the entire idea and execution secret. If your spouse isn't meeting your needs, isn't the least they deserve the chance to do something about that? I would also argue that 'not enough sex' problems are probably linked with 'not enough emotional engagement' or other such issues going the other way. So yes, there is something terribly childish in making a couple's problem purely the fault of one, and deciding to punish them by going behind their back and doing something that will hurt them (hopefully only emotionally - STI's, anyone?). It is another situation where the spouse knows, and fine if they are OK with it. Surely the solution, though, is to stop rushing into marriage and wait until you find the person who you are compatible with, instead of getting to 70% and thinking, hey that'll do?

TM commented on Sep 12 09 at 12:59 pm

A well-written story, and lots of thoughtful comments, in particular those of JS, PF, SM, JAB, ab and JM. And a few judgmental ones too...
I had a great relationship that ended when I told my gf that I had been communicating with someone 1500 miles away. I had never met the "other woman", no cybersex, a little flirting perhaps but 98% discussions of common interests like music, psychology, tango, etc. My gf called this "emotional intimacy". I googled the term to try to better understand the concept, and one byproduct of that reading was the statement that a woman will often forgive a physical connection outside the relationship, i.e. a one-night stand, but really sees the emotional intimacy as much more threatening. Sadly it was the end of my great relationship--she couldn't deal with it or forgive me. I am still friends with the distant woman, but we never developed a significant "relationship" for a variety of reasons.
We really have a long way to go as a society in accepting the polyamorous relationships of others without judging them so harshly. Maybe the rights of polyamorists will some day be recognized, just as the rights of LGBT folks are today (somewhat) but like one person commented, dare bring it up in conversation and you risk freaking out whomever you're talking to. Open relationships and polyamory have their own challenges, and I respect those that venture down that path in good faith.
In my town of 150,000 I doubt that there would be a significant presence of Ashley Madison subscribers, and I'd prefer a monogamous relationship right now, so I will pass.
Cheers-- gitango on Hooksexup

GTA commented on Sep 12 09 at 2:54 am

"I'd hand her a drink that she wouldn't have time to sip, and we'd be horizontal. An hour and a half later, she'd fix her hair, complain about her scraped face, and dress to go home."

An hour and a half later? Yeah, right. :-)

RG commented on Sep 12 09 at 7:34 am

This is awesome! I love how very polarizing this topic is. Whether you agree or disagree, this is good conversation.

TT commented on Sep 12 09 at 8:00 am

" I just need to keep things symbolically even" - wtf?

dwp commented on Sep 12 09 at 2:41 pm

Fantastic. I love the evolution of humans and their constant drive to improve themselves regardless of puritanical social standards!

LkR commented on Sep 12 09 at 11:06 pm

> [ If your spouse isn't meeting your needs, ..they deserve the chance to do something about that? ]
And if they keep declining the invitation? And they don't want to talk about your needs because "it makes them feel pressured"? And they can't allow an affair because it goes against their notions of how life should be? And if they care more about "the rules" they known than your happiness or satisfaction?

TS commented on Sep 13 09 at 2:22 am

Good story and a very good advertisement. I am of the opinion however that this particular experience is fictional. Created to promote the the site.

MJDM commented on Sep 15 09 at 11:39 am

It is interesting reading some of the comments here about fidelity. I wonder though is better to have a 20 year relationships where you have 2 or 3 affairs. Or is it better morally to have 10 different relationships over a 20 year period. I am not so sure those who take the moral high ground by immediately ending a relationship when they want something new are that much better than those who remain in a stable long term relationship but occassionally step out. I think it is very easy to throw stones from your glass house....just sayin....

cjt commented on Sep 17 09 at 11:23 am

Dearest RG - honestly an hour and a half was on a bad day!

Dearest faux "gina" if you were actually there you would be Jack himself trying to encourage more comments. Are you Michelle, Loretta, or Jennifer? 2 have commented already.

Gina the Incredible

GA commented on Sep 17 09 at 6:48 pm

It is the nature of the young to be cruel in their judgments, because they have not yet experienced the ways in which life humbles us -- and this is true even for those who realize most of their dreams. Marriage is complicated and imperfect, and the idea that families should be torn in two because of desire for an at least somewhat gratifying sex life is one of the most destructive American ideas of the last half-century.

spk commented on Sep 20 09 at 11:38 am

GA - go tend to your face bruises. You should be embarrased. But nobody more so than Jack.

gina commented on Sep 21 09 at 8:48 am

who is this Jack Harrison clown? I hope all these 'players' knew they were being written about. Something tells me not. This is crappy journalism.

yep commented on Sep 21 09 at 8:54 am

To GA - if you were that incredible - you would find men to be with that would not need to write about you. Pathetic one would say.

GM commented on Sep 21 09 at 8:59 am

How is it possible that my comments would be deleted? Convenient I guess. Seems like Jack has his way with freedom of expression. Come on Hooksexup!

gina commented on Sep 21 09 at 9:45 am

seems like the "writer" isn't capable of relating to women as anything more than toys in his pathetic ego trip. Perhaps a blow up doll would be a better choice for him.

tk commented on Sep 24 09 at 1:47 am

THE GREAT CO-MINGLING! (TGCM) The rest of the story: A 20 yr marriage - One that includes annual conversations of desiring a better sex life but is entrapped in the typical history of a monogamous with children relationship. Those of us involved in TGCM relationships find the high road of ending a relationship due to unfulfilled sexual need an even a lower road to the dreary one-handed monogamy. Even men know it is not all about the sex.

jak commented on Oct 12 09 at 6:41 pm

I am one of the women who has used the Ashley Madison service. It's a shame that so many people are quick to judge. Just wait until life throws you a curveball. After 6 years of complete celibacy, trying hard to be the monogamous, faithful wife, the thought of intimacy began to creep into my skull, especially while I slept. Each day I would take a bath before work and cry in the tub; mourning the loss of the affection and tenderness we once had. Middle aged, in charge of caring for my husband who could not work, the affair I found through Ashley Madison made it possible for me to endure what my life had become. You can judge if you want to but it isn't always so easy to leave. It seemed kinder to continue working to support my husband while filling my emotional and physical needs elsewhere. If I had left him, he would have been living on welfare and having a difficult time caring for himself. I don't care what anyone says, I did the right thing. As for the man I found there, his life almost mirrored mine. A wife with a mental disorder, 5 children to raise, dreaming about a life that includes intimacy. We found comfort and friendship and were reminded that we are still living, breathing, fully functioning individuals.

GM commented on Nov 17 09 at 9:24 pm

"Still, I know she's going to make someone very happy."

It's as though he told her he was writing a story and wanted to give a shout out. Good read.

cjm commented on Nov 23 09 at 12:11 am

Until you find yourself in a situation where there's no love, affection, sex, and there's still children to raise....this idea would not have come to mind. Lonliness is a killer, and life's hard enough and too short for it!

WB commented on Jan 20 10 at 3:32 pm

Primal. Sub-Social. Candid. Sincere. Fair. Well delivered piece. Thanks for writing this.

dN commented on Feb 20 10 at 1:52 am

It's odd that so many of the high horse riders think that we go dashing off to Ashley Madison the minute our spouses say "no".
I've worked at it for 9 years. I've whipped myself into perfect physical condition, I keep myself looking good. I am attentive, helpful. I've gone to counselling, I've tried to get her to go to counselling. I've tried everything I can think of. She still loves me, but she doesn't ever want to have sex again. She gets upset if I just go to a strip club or look at porn.

We have disabled children who are hard enough to raise with both of us working at it. Our children will depend on us until we die, after which they will die. Their lives and ours would be hell if we split up.

So I can consign myself to misery, abandon my wife and children to misery or have an affair. Sorry bub, I'm not going to live my life just so you can pretend that morality is a simple thing that you learned in church.

Ban6 commented on Mar 03 10 at 1:29 pm

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