The Parents of Adults Still Living at Home Are Never Getting Laid

A not-so-empty nest leads to a completely empty bed.

The biggest complaint about Millennials is that they're a breed of Buster Bluths — stunted and unable to fend for themselves in the real world, so they live at home. According to a Pew Research Center analysis of U.S. census data, as of 2012, 21.6 million adults were living at home. That means a whopping 36 percent of all 18 to 31-year-olds are kicking it back at mom's house, sleeping in the basement, and living off her famous turkey leg sandwiches (this economy, man). It's the highest rate of adults ever living back at home, and, according to the American Time Use Survey, it's absolutely killing the accommodating parents' sex lives.

According to the survey, of all adults, men with no kids and women with children under age 18 spend the most time getting laid. However, parents who are still providing room and board to their beloved offspring are barely getting any. Women with children over age 18 in their home spent approximately 10.4 minutes a month having sex, and dads only spend a measly 10.1 minutes boning mom every four weeks. These statistics, though disheartening, make a lot of sense. Parents hosting their very-much adult children still have to provide for their kids — doing their laundry, paying the bills, buying the Toaster Strudel— and that sucks up a lot of time. Not to mention, the knowledge that your 26-year-old is just a few layers of drywall away from bone time isn't exactly an aphrodisiac.

So, maybe Kathy Bates and Terry Bradshaw were on the right track when they hired Sarah Jessica Parker to help get their 35-year-old son out of the nest in Failure to Launch. And that was way back in 2006, before the recession forced adult children back into their folk's homes, which really just means Matthew McConaughey can accurately predict the future.

[h/t FiveThirtyEight]

Image via Indian Paintbrush Productions.

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