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Dateline: "It might be the ridiculously short skirt and knee-high boots..."

We're collecting stories about your most entertaining dates. Send your time-stamped dating stories to ; don't forget to include gender and age for you and your date.

Female, 31, child-care worker
with
Male, 33, graduate student

6:22 p.m. - I leave my house to catch the first of two buses I'll need to take; knowing Muni as well as I do, I've left myself about forty-five minutes for this four-mile trip. It's February and cold, but I'm not getting into a car with someone I've never seen before. As I walk to the bus stop, a long black car slows way down as it drives past me. It might be the ridiculously short skirt and knee-high boots. Can cars leer?

7:18 - I get to the club, twelve minutes early, because it's a Friday night and I have to try and snag a table. What was I thinking, suggesting a blind date at The Elbo Room on a Friday night? I think I just wanted to impress this guy (he lives on the Peninsula, poor soul) with the pinnacle of urban hipness. Better not tell him I took the bus.

7:29 - I snag a table after hovering, stalker-like, around tables where the drink level seems to be close to empty. I send a text telling him where I'll be.

7:29 - I get a text back, "Just got here. Looking for parking." I fight the urge to text back, "So I'll see you in about an hour, then?" and instead send a forced cheery, "Okay! See you as soon as you get here!"

7:55 - I fend off the last of five requests to share this table, the only even semi-unoccupied one in the place, it seems. I've told them all I'm waiting for a blind date, and they're very generous about leaving me to it. One pair of women offers to let me send them a signal if things are going badly. My whiskey sour is down to ice, but I can't order another because a) I'd lose my table to the vultures, and b) I'm a big lightweight, and I'm shockingly easy when I've had too much to drink. Better be cautious.

7:59 - I want to invite any one of those groups of people — all of whom seemed like they'd be interesting table companions — to sit with me and drink to the asshat who left himself one minute to find parking in the Mission on a Friday night. But I'm way too curious about what he'll be like, after all of this, and besides, I don't have quite enough balls.

8:03 - He's here finally.

8:03:02 - I can already tell that this is not going to work. I Googled him before this date and confirmed that he really was a grad student, but how could someone with an intelligent job have such a blank look? He offers to catch up to me, drink-wise, and to buy the next round. I catch the eye of one of the guys who was trying to snag my table before, but neither of the helpful women. I tell myself that I'm still new at this blind-dating thing, and I should give it at least an hour before calling it quits. Plus, it's a Friday night, and I'll be damned if I'm going home this early.

8:10 - He's telling me about his studies. I ask him what he likes about what he does, and even stop sipping on my second drink to make a show of listening politely. I understood it at the time, I think, but couldn't tell you one word of it now.

8:19 - I start talking about literature and explain that the book I'm reading now has a classic "unreliable narrator." I can tell from his eyes — the blank look has deepened — that he doesn't have a clue what that means, but he doesn't ask. Nor does he ask what book it is, or volunteer that he's reading anything.

8:21 - He asks what will be his only personal question of the evening, "Are you always so serious?" No, only when I'm counting down the minutes to when I can tell you to blow off, and trying to compose the "thanks, but no thanks" speech in my head. He tries to buy me another drink. I ask him for water.

8:25 - He brings a whiskey sour instead. I don't drink it. He's on his third drink.

8:31 - The club is really full, and people keep bumping up against our table. One guy in a long flannel shirt leans too close and his shirt tail is dangling kind of close to the candle-in-a-jar on our table. I move the candle out of harm's way. My date moves it back to where it was. I force out a fake laugh and move it back out of the way. My date moves it back: "That'll teach him not to stand too close." I manage not to throw my drink in his face. 

8:40 - I don't care that it hasn't been an hour. I tell him, "Thanks, but I don't think this is going to work. Have a nice evening." He looks genuinely surprised, and he follows me out of the bar, as the crowd swarms over our liberated table. As we're leaving, he's saying something that over the crowd noise sounds like an offer to go somewhere more quiet. I don't have a chance to respond, because the bouncer's telling us to have a good night. Then a crowd of people separates me from him, which I don't notice until I look around for a cab and don't see him standing anywhere nearby.

8:42 - There's a cab here, but he's still nowhere to be found. I haven't been on that many blind dates yet, but I've never been on one where the guy didn't see me safely to the cab (when I wasn't getting into it with him.) Was he so crushed by his rejection that he had to duck right back into the bar and drown his sorrows? I don't care; I slide eagerly into the cab and silently tell my clitoris, "It's okay, you can come out now. He's gone."

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Commentarium (40 Comments)

May 04 12 - 1:20am
B

Wow, you sound kind of hard to please. I understand being irritated about your date's lateness and lack of personal questions but here's the thing: You knew he was driving because you indicated at the beginning of your story that you didn't want to get in a car with him. So knowing he's driving, it seems reasonable to assume that he would need some extra time for parking and you could have been a little bit more gracious about it.
The other reason you sound hard to please imo is that you were rude to blow him off after 40 minutes, when it took him just over 30 minutes to find the parking! And then after you blow him off and ignore his request to go somewhere quieter, you are annoyed that he didn't put you in a cab? Please. You need to either put more time and effort into your dates, or lower your expectations.

May 04 12 - 8:08pm
Dewey

This!
Also: fuck you

May 06 12 - 3:28pm
JM

An excellent point. He chose to drive, and therefore you should expect him to be late, because he chose to drive. Wait, what?

May 06 12 - 11:33pm
Decimal

"And then after you blow him off and ignore his request to go somewhere quieter"
Let's read the story again:

"As we're leaving, he's saying something that over the crowd noise sounds like an offer to go somewhere more quiet. I don't have a chance to respond, because the bouncer's telling us to have a good night."

How is that "ignoring"?

May 08 12 - 12:25pm
CC

Wow, B, you sound kind of touchy- projecting much? I think he was indeed showing a lack of forethought in giving himself, as she said, only one minute to find parking in a busy club district. He should have planned to be there early enough to be on time: she was, and she had to wait alone in a crowded bar for half an hour, which is rude on his part.
He failed to ask her personal questions. He was boring. He ignored her request for a drink of water and brought her more alcohol, which she did not want. He indicated a vindictive streak in thinking it would be okay to allow some hipster's plaid shirt to catch on fire. He did not do her the courtesy of seeing her safely to a cab.
There's no harm whatever in meeting a blind date and thanking them for their time when it doesn't work out- that's what dates are for. And she didn't excuse herself and "go to the washroom" never to return- she stepped up and told him politely to his face that she wasn't feeling it. He failed to take no for an answer.
She was dressed nicely, she planned ahead to be on time, and she asked questions and listened to the guy: she put in effort and time. Her expectations were not unreasonably high. You're a little offbase here, B.

.

May 08 12 - 8:10pm
B

Dewey: You seem to be agreeing with what I said, and if that's the case, I'm kind of confused about why you're swearing at me.

JM: I realize that choosing to drive doesn't always give someone an excuse to be late, but in this instance I think it was forgivable. If the guy had been stuck in traffic would his lateness have gone over better with his date? Who knows.

Decimal: Maybe she wasn't ignoring him, but based on what the author has written here I can imagine that it looked to the guy like she was ignoring him. And if I was on a date with someone who appeared to ignore me, I wouldn't follow them around and try to put them in a cab.

CC: I didn't say that the grad student was the perfect date, or that it was unreasonable for her to be irritated about it. I'm pretty sure I even said that explicitly in my earlier comment. What I was trying to convey is that in my opinion, she had a lot of expectations of this guy, but didn't seem to be willing to put in much time or effort into the date herself.

May 04 12 - 2:12am
JO

I don't think she was hard to please, just less willing to go along with the BS of dating, and be 'accommodating' like many people do when going out with strangers. Maybe the OP is an unreliable narrator herself (ha!), but she says he didn't really ask her any personal questions after she talks about herself--not even to say, 'I'm not much of a reader,' or 'School doesn't leave me enough time to read for fun.' Also, the candle thing was really annoying--maybe he was trying to be funny, but it just came across as obnoxious.

Most of all, though, the drink was the clincher: She asked for water. It's not debonair, or considerate, or smooth to disregard what she asked for, to bring an alcoholic drink. If he thought she just needed to ply herself with liquor to be more relaxed around him, maybe he should have considered calling it quits, too. Admittedly, I don't think he needed to see her to her cab (if he's pissed off, then let him be pissed off; why begrudge him that as long as he doesn't bother you?), but I can understand why she wasn't feeling him.

May 04 12 - 4:07am
IB

Agree..... best to call these things quits if you can't fake it........ this is why I never plan an unended date for a first meeting...... if it clicks then you leave each other wanting more...... always good...... really liked this story....

May 04 12 - 8:13pm
Dewey

This too! She ends the date abruptly with minimal tact and then gets mad when they guy doesn't humiliate himself further by waiting around with her while she waits for a cab!? That'd be like if I went out with a girl and told her "You seem like a nice girl but you're just not good-looking enough for me" then got mad when she wouldn't let me kiss her goodnight

May 09 12 - 5:34pm
leitning

What's an "unended date"?

May 04 12 - 6:23am
f

Loved, loved, loved the clitoris line! I'd send a hug to it, if it seemed appropriate! :)

May 04 12 - 7:58am
Adam

So she rushed out of the bar after saying 'this isn't going to work', got separated from him by a crowd, and was annoyed he wasn't there to see her into a cab. How does that make sense? Then she mused that he may have been too embarrassed by the encounter and was drowning his sorrows. The amount of self pity in this article is astounding.

May 04 12 - 9:04am
JCB

Yeah, I didn't necessarily read her as hard to please - we've all been on bad dates before, where the chemistry is just off and everything the other person does is inexplicably grating. And he didn't sound very nice.

That said, why would you expect the guy to look around for you to help get you a cab after you did everything but scream you wanted nothing to do with him? You're a grown-up, it's not his job to chaperone you like a child while you hail a cab in a busy area. Actually, neither of them sound that nice.

May 04 12 - 5:21pm
ana

Agreed. Boring date is boring date, and you can pretty much tell quickly if it's not going to work--why prolong the agony for yourself and for him. But I'm from SF and I know that neighborhood . . . it's totally safe and well populated on a friday night, no need to have a big strong grad student walk you to your cab. The fact that she found a cab on that stretch of Valencia that quickly is kind of amazing . . . maybe the most shocking part of the story. And the clitoris line kinda squicked me out. Not really sure why. I guess I don't assume that a blind date will naturally lead to a hand job from the bloke, so no need to cringe away in terror, I guess?

May 04 12 - 10:45am
js

Yeah, I was with her until the cab thing. She wasn't having fun on the date, so she left; good for her. But to expect the guy to follow you out the door and insist on being a gentleman when you've just told him to buzz off, is unrealistic princess behavior. I'm a girl, and I like to be treated to some chivalry, but you just can't expect a man to be endlessly chivalrous in the face of your own "Go F Yourself". Also, the mission district on a friday night in SF near the elbow room is safe enough - there's no need to be up in arms about not being put into a cab around there.

May 04 12 - 11:07am
Joe

Elbo Room is a pretty cool bar. This guy sounds like a tool. There's something sort of off about the narrator, but the guy sounds like a dud. Good story.

May 04 12 - 11:46am
yog

It's not pretty but being a grad students are known for being socially clueless. I would have given up after the drink, not water and for sure the candle thing...it seems like the author wanted to end the date and chill with the people who were already at the bar before the guy got there.

May 04 12 - 12:16pm
dave1976

Most everything's already been said, and I agree that they just weren't a good match; and both did slightly annoying things (him: candle and booze in place of water; her: complaining about the cab after she "dumped" him). No big sins, and hopefully they can find some better matches.

I will say that more and more I'm surprised by the divide between bookists and non-readers; and maybe it's just me, but it does seem like readers have a bit of a superiority complex. I mostly fall into the non-reader category. I have a job where I read and write all day. In my couple hours of free time, I'd rather watch a movie, listen to some records, work around the house or just hang with my kids (they do get read to everyday, but I wouldn't put "How Do Dinosaurs Say I Love You" in the same the category). Anyway, I think you can be a productive an interesting person without being a bookist

May 05 12 - 12:22pm
m

I got an elitist vibe about the woman too even though I also love to read. I'm more of a non-fiction person myself and I recognize that it's not everyone else's bag. Plus, my priorities shifted when I got into a serious relationship last year. I read a lot of blogs, but not too many books these days. She doesn't mention what the grad student is studying. There's a good chance that he doesn't really have time for pleasure reading.

May 09 12 - 5:33pm
leitning

If you really enjoy to read and consider it a major interest of yours it's not unreasonable to seek out the same thing in someone you're going to be having long conversations with. That doesn't mean you think the other person is stupid if they don't read, just that you're seeking a shared interest.

May 04 12 - 12:33pm
Me

To me, the kicker was him moving the candle. It's like, not only if he rude and socially clueless, he aslo has an active disregard for her agency (repeatedly undoing what she went out of her way to do).

May 07 12 - 4:59pm
reader

You called it. That and 'correcting' her drink order. Skeezy.

May 04 12 - 1:11pm
Bery

I love this feature. I've been with my husband for 12 years and dating is such an strange concept to me now, but reading this lets me take a glimpse into the people looking for the, apparently, elusive partner.

May 04 12 - 2:18pm
JCB

I know, me too! I know it's horrible, but I enjoy this feature just for the lurid, vicarious thrills of the dating market. At the end of every story I always feel the need to go and thank my husband for being cool and normal, and y'know, not moving the candle for someone to set their shirt on fire.

May 04 12 - 1:19pm
sean

That'll learn you to avoid dating in the peninsula again. Ugh.

Think globally, fuck locally.

May 04 12 - 2:15pm
meh

Back in the day, I was the "guy from the peninsula" dating world-savvy urban San Francisco women and it often went less than perfectly. But even suburb-dweller me knew about how hard finding parking was in the City, so this guy (despite, I would guess a Stanford education) must be pretty clueless. Good call on the rapid egress but try not to paint all peninsula guys with the same brush. Some of them have the good sense to move to the City and join the sophisticated set -- eventually.

May 04 12 - 3:28pm
Tumble

Just thinking out loud here... maybe I'm old fashioned, but that kind of bar doesn't sound like the best option for a first date to me. I get that she was trying to impress him but aren't blind and first dates supposed to be about talking and getting to know the person? However, I guess there is the opportunity to kick your blind date to the curb if they are a dud, and still have an enjoyable evening in that kind of scenario, lots of other people around...

May 04 12 - 4:18pm
KP

Pretty sure when he asked you if you were always this serious he was telling you he found you as boring as you found him. I love how self-absorbed these people are. He tried to make a joke or two, including the bit with the candle. You had already decided before he opened his mouth that you didn't like him so there was no way he could win with you. He knew it so he decided to stop trying. Next time don't pick a horrible spot for a date and try not to be a pretentious snob. Oh, and he wasn't surprised you weren't interested. He was relieved.

enough about you to ask any questions.

May 04 12 - 6:24pm
CW

I agree. People can pat her on the back all they want for allowing him the privilege of 40 extra minutes with her but she really had her mind made up the minute she got that text that he was parking. I don't know, it just sounded like she didn't try because she no longer wanted to try and rather than attempting to change up the scene or something, she just wallowed in it.

May 04 12 - 4:46pm
rm

The unreliable narrator was the writer. I'm trying to look at things in a very meta way.

May 04 12 - 8:31pm
SF is great!

But the elbo room is a terrible place to have a first date. If you're set on hip(ster), here are some other places that are way better (read: quieter, better drinks, less hall-shaped): Gestalt, 500 Club, Monk's Kettle, Dalva (go to the Hideout in the back), Elixir (but basically only if it's Sunday), etc etc.

May 04 12 - 9:20pm
Ed

She sounds like an uncommunicative princess who isn't very good at picking a place.

May 04 12 - 10:42pm
ggg

I am shocked a grad student didn't choose some quiet place where he could have yakked on and on about some obscure topic as if it were the most important thing in this galaxy.

Fucking grad school are now even dumbing it down? WTF.

May 05 12 - 3:06am
wb

she sounded like a pretty average person who hasn't done a lot of blind-dating. if you've been on more than 3 blind dates and haven't been on either side of this date, well, i dont really believe you.

the parking thing is totally obnoxious. that would definitely put me off my game. as would the candle-moving thing. really guy? a blind date is really just an excuse to go out for a drink and as a bonus see if someone is worth seeing. a guaranteed brief window where you get to flirt with someone with the reasonable assumption they won't roll their eyes at you and walk away the nanosecond you open your mouth. make the most of it.

I'm totally not on board with the cab thing though. i generally figure that the baseline is that if a lady got there on her own, she can probably be ok leaving on her own. 'oh let me walk you (home/to a cab/to the train)' is a chivalrous affectation that says i want to spend a little more time with you without being awkward. Or i genuinely think you'd be better off with me walking you. outside a crowded bar in that part of the mission? after a girl had precipitously ended a date? i would not be taking opportunities to spend more time with her, nor be concerned for her safety. and would leave.

May 07 12 - 6:38pm
Eric

If he had stayed with her until she got a cab, she would have called him stalkerish.

May 05 12 - 8:57am
blah blah blah

Shit happens. Why stick around on a date you don't want to be on? An hour is sufficient. I would just like to say that I used to live in SF and FUCK MUNI! AND FUCK BART TOO. THE WORST TRANSIT SYSTEM I HAVE EVER BEEN ON . otherwise sorry your date was shit. it happens to everyone :)

May 05 12 - 9:05am
gnt

Congratulations author on becoming the unreliable narrator.

May 05 12 - 10:21pm
Thinkywritey

At least she didn't tell him she wasn't interested and then make out with him.

May 08 12 - 4:35pm
George

A driver? Three whiskies?!

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