Talking to Strangers: Baltimore, MD

Hooksexup asks deeply personal questions to people we just met.

by Elissa Gross

James, 36 and Yolanda, 28

How long have you two been together?
J: About four years, almost five. You want the truth? I tell it better than she does. We work together — she's a bartender and I'm a bouncer. And on my day off, I was in there drinking, and I had a dimebag of weed in my pocket. And I sat down and we were talking. It was honestly the first time we'd ever had a conversation, and we had worked together for a few months before that. She asked me, "You smoke?" I was like, "Weed, not cigarettes!" And she told me, "Well, I think you dropped a dime bag on the floor." It was mine, I asked her if she wanted to smoke, and we've been together ever since.

Marijuana brings people together.
Y: A friend with weed is a friend indeed.
J: We travel together a lot. We have a friend who has a music festival in Cabot, Vermont. There's a man-made lake, and I actually almost drowned her. We weren't even boyfriend and girlfriend yet. We were just hanging — she's my friend and I'm her friend and if we feel like having sex, then that's what it is. But they had this big floating trampoline in the middle of the lake and she was floating by, with two beer bottles. One was empty and one had beer that she was sipping on. And I said, "Hey, this would be cool: I'm going to jump on her while she's floating on this rubber tube." I was 265 pounds at that time, and needless to say, it almost sank to the bottom of the lake. So, she chased me to the shore and the whole time she was cussing me out. But meanwhile, she was swimming and holding two beer bottles with her thumbs in them —
Y: That's how you do it! When you want to save the beer, thumbs in!
J: Remember I told you it was an empty bottle and a full one? No water was in either of them when she made it to shore. I said, "She's a fucking keeper."

That's how you knew it was love. So what's your secret to keeping the love alive?
Y: Do everything you can and have fun. Pay your bills and do everything you can after that.
J: She may say that, but for me, it's more of a communication thing. We talk about everything. If I want to fuck a blonde chick, she'll say "Hey, I got a wig."
Y: It happens!
J: You've got to be honest with yourself. You've got to say, "Yo, what type of person do I want to deal with?" Opposites, they attract, but you have to make it work. We go to sex shops together. We just left a strip club together. As far as I'm concerned, as a man, I keep macking. I macked to get her, I've got to keep macking. Me personally, I'm a romantic. So, I do little dumb stuff all the time for her. You worked to get her, you have to work to keep her. 

Amen.
J: But at the same time, you still have to give each other space, because you're not married. She's still who she is, and I'm still who I am. Now, if we get married, then that's when we become one person. And that's where people get mixed up. They still try to be that same separate person when they're married. Next thing you know, you're divorced. I'm telling you, I got divorced years ago. While I was married, all my boys were bugging me to go to clubs with them, saying, "Aw, man, your wife will still be home when you get back." You have to say, "Check this out, y'all: I'm married now, so if you still want to be my friend, then this is what you've got to deal with." A lot of people, they get concerned about what their friends think, and what their mother thinks. Fuck all that! You're not fucking your mother. You're not fucking your friends. If you like your pussy ate, and the motherfucker you're with is paying your bills, but he's not eating your pussy, and you need that, leave him the fuck alone! Why stay with him? Me, I like my neck bit. If you're not going to bite my fucking neck, leave me alone!

But how can she bite you with that collar on?
Y: Don't worry, I get around it.
J: This is not a permanent fixture, ladies and gentlemen!

Can you tell me more about your inclinations?
J:  I'm into everything. If she doesn't say no, I go.
Y: I don't say no to much.

Chris, 30

So, you used to live in Baltimore, but now you live in D.C. How did you end up here?
I moved to Baltimore with somebody I'd been dating for almost five years. But once we got to Baltimore, we split up. So, I was on my own all of a sudden, and for the first six or seven months I was pretty quiet, on my own, focusing on work. But it was an eye-opening experience. I went from home in a small town in Kentucky, to college, to this long-term relationship, to being completely on my own in this new place, knowing nothing about the gay community. I made some interesting friends — straight, gay, all sorts. I've lived internationally, and several places in the U.S., and I really think of Baltimore as one of my favorite places.

What is the gay scene like in Baltimore?
It's very segregated, unfortunately. Baltimore has a growing urban center — it's one of the top three, with Austin and Portland. So, you have former suburbanites who are driven towards this urban center, and many of them are white. Baltimore gay bars seem to be affected by this. As an outsider who spent a couple years here, I found it very class-segregated, and that also played into race issues. But one of the most interesting things about Baltimore is that there's actually an incredible spectrum of people, from Ph.D.s to service-industry workers, of all races, who are gay but are split among classes.

What differences have you've noticed between D.C. and Baltimore?
Oh goodness, there are so many. In terms of the gay dating scene, in D.C., there are more rules to follow: who pays for the first date, what you should or shouldn't do on the first date, where to meet people, whether you should call them right away. Baltimore just seems much more natural: organic, real, and a bit gritty. You meet someone and you either get along or you don't. The D.C. people I know are almost too picky. In Baltimore, the pool is much smaller. There aren't that many options. People are real. They're not trying to put on airs, they're not in perfect shape, they're not perfectly primped, they don't have expensive clothes.

What do you look for in a man?
Holistically, not just physically, I look for someone rational and stable, but still a little bit hot-blooded. Along with the rationality and stability, there has to be something that lets me know that every once in a while he gets a little emotional. If they're completely vanilla and easy to be around, I'm not always attracted to them. Looking back at who I've been interested in, I like people who make me feel passionate and who are passionate themselves in different ways.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
I do. I'm a total sucker. Should we go down the route of trashy magicalness? I met him while on a date with someone else that I didn't realize was a date, because we were in a group with his friends. But from the first words on, "Hey, I'm..." I couldn't stop thinking about him. No matter what I tried to do — focus on work, do my workout routine, study, read, do anything — I still got sidetracked thinking about him. That's love at first sight to me. And what really made it love for me was that it was mutual, because I later found out that he'd felt the same way.

Julia, 58

What's your relationship status?
I've been married for thirty-six years. We started dating when we were sixteen. He was a year ahead of me in school — we'd pass each other in the hallways. Actually, my sister and his sister worked together, so they were always trying to set us up. We broke up a few times and got back together, and finally, we got married.

What do you do to keep the love alive?
[Laughs] Stay away from each other! No, you have to have a friendship. You have to be best friends. We have two children, and a grandchild and another one on the way. Family's always been really, really important. You just try to do things together: dinner and a movie once in a while. 

Since you met at such a young age and you almost grow up together, do you feel like he's a different person than when you first met him?
Well, there've been some rocky times, and some times where you kind of wonder, "Did I marry too young? Did I miss the dating scene?" We really didn't date anybody else. Some people take different paths and they grow apart. But we've grown together. He also gives me space, and I let him have space. Even when my kids were growing up, if I wanted to take a week and go with the girls to Ocean City, that was fine. If he wanted to take a week and go golfing with somebody, that was fine too.

How has Baltimore changed since you grew up here?
Well, in terms of the dating scene, when I grew up, guys would come around and open the car door for you. It's not like that now. And you wouldn't move in with a guy — you would get married first. So, it's really gotten more liberal.

Are those positive changes?
In some respects. I'd still like guys to respect girls more than they do. But, my daughter lives with her boyfriend and, while my husband doesn't like the idea, I'm okay with it. The divorce rate is so great, that you might as well get a taste of what it's like to be with that person twenty-four-seven. If it doesn't work, you have the option to leave without getting divorced. 

Why do you think there's a lack of respect?
Well, I hate to say it, but I think girls are looser now and don't demand the respect. I don't know if they don't think they deserve it or they've lost respect for themselves. But they seem to be okay with the guy walking ahead of them, whereas in my day, you wouldn't be okay with that. We weren't little June Cleavers, but we liked little things: guys opening the car door for you, or helping you put on your coat. Instead of just being an object to them, you were somebody who deserved respect. 

What have your daughter's relationships been like?
Unfortunately, she's been unlucky in love. She's been hurt quite a few times. She's a very quiet girl, so she's afraid to give her opinion to people when it counts. But, I think just seeing the way her dad and I treat each other makes her very family-oriented, and she wants to be treated respectfully too.

That's important. So, you own a lingerie shop. Do you get to hear about why customers are looking for certain items?
Sure — sometimes it's for a hot date, or an anniversary, or for crossdressing. I hear all kinds of stories. It's been fun. This man came in shopping — he said — for his wife. "My wife likes this color, my wife likes that style." So, he bought a couple things, and a few weeks later he came back, saying the same thing about his wife. I didn't think he was a crossdresser, but then he held something up and said "Would this fit me?" And then I knew. I offered him a dressing room to try it on. But this is the part I wasn't prepared for. He went into the dressing room and I could hear him struggling. So I asked him, "Do you need some help?" And he said, "Yeah, I'm really having a hard time with these straps. Do you mind?" And I said, "Well, I don't mind if you don't mind." I opened the curtain up and there he was in thigh-highs, stiletto heels, a bra, panties, and a garter belt. I'm not sure I was ready to see all that, but I helped him find what he wanted.

Was there actually a wife?
Oh yes. She likes him to dress up in ladies' lingerie. They come in and buy for themselves. Some people might think it's strange, but everybody has their own way of keeping their marriage alive. 

Absolutely.
I had another guy come in a few weeks ago and he was totally embarrassed, explaining that his wife wanted him to dress up in lingerie, and that there were only a very few stores where he felt comfortable. So, I helped him, and he bought a few things, and an hour later he called me and said, "I just want to thank you so much for making this a good experience, for not being judgmental, and for making me feel comfortable." That's what I'm here for.