Talking to Strangers: New York, NY

Hooksexup asks deeply personal questions to people we just met.

by Elyssa Goodman

Siobhan, 24

What do you do?
I am an actress, writer, and activist.

Does that ever get you some interesting dates?
Yeah, I actually have a date right now! He's here!

How did you meet?
We're both nannies. He's a manny. A male babysitter. This is actually our first official date, which I'm kind of nervous about, because I just performed this piece about not shaving. But he wants to go out for a drink now, so I'm pretty he's okay with the fact that I don't shave. I was talking to my friend from Canada this morning and I was like, "Dude, do you think this is a bad idea for a first date, to invite him to see my performance about, you know, being hairy?" But I figured that way I'd know right away. I wanted to get someone who has the same politics that I do, so I can actually have a good date.

Have you gone out with anyone who hasn't shared your politics, without knowing it at first?
I dated somebody for like seven months where we had fun and good conversations but, I was a vegetarian at the time, and he was like, "If you go vegan, I don't want to be with you." So I'm vegan now, because fuck that, right? I decided after dating loads of guys like that that I should cut all the crap and find someone who has good core values.

Has anyone been bothered by your not shaving?
Actually, kind of the point of the piece, is that no, nothing like that has ever happened. I think we're sort of trained that we have to look a certain way. But, my piece is about hooking up with a total party bro, and he didn't care. Maybe because it's just like sometimes guys are like, "Nothing's going to stop me!" But I think really, if you're confident in your body and you stand by your decisions about who you are, people actually respect that. They find that kind of sexy. So I've never had a problem.

What are some of your own dealbreakers, personality-wise?
I'm obviously a feminist who has hairy armpits, so I need somebody who's pretty radical, right? I need somebody who has good politics and who can really appreciate art and music and things like that. That's why the hairy-armpits thing is really important to me — it equals so many things. You know this is a woman who has a lot of opinions, who really commits to her decisions, and so you have to be able to handle that, right?

Do you believe in love at first sight?
No. I think love has so many other components to it. I've gotten really interested in people who I at first didn't find attractive. I grew to know them and appreciate their personalities so much that it didn't matter.

Can you tell a story about when that happened?
This guy, he's a poet, and he's really an amazing person. He just can't really commit, which is the problem. He's kind of overweight and geeky and has glasses and is kind of shy, but he's very smart and witty, and he's taken the time to know me and really appreciates me. There's all that respect and value involved. As I spent time with him, I was just like, "Oh, I never felt that physically attracted to him, but now I have these feelings for him." That was something that grew over time.

Steve, 26

What do you do?
I'm a standup comedian and a waiter.

Does that get you any interesting dates?
Standup comedy really cuts down on dating. In New York, every girl has dated a comedian, and comedians are idiots. And drunks. So that's not really the best thing. But as a waiter, it happens. I've had interesting dates. I've dated girls who I've served on bad dates. Like they went on a bad date and I dated them after, but I didn't tell them that I remembered them from serving them on a bad date.

What happened?
Those never go that far. But it's always interesting. You see them interact with another man and then when you're on a date with them you're like, "Okay, he was just fucking up."

What do you notice men do when they mess up?
Talking too much about themselves, or just not talking at all, not giving conversation, not interacting that much. As a server, you notice a good date is when both people are laughing, they're looking at each other, there's good body language. A bad date is when everyone's quiet, the dude isn't giving you any eye contact, and the lady is ordering for herself, and you talk to the lady mostly.

What's a really good date you've been on recently?
I met a girl online during the summertime and she came to my neighborhood. We went to a bar, went to go see Smith Westerns at Prospect Park. Everything was amazing. I thought that was a great date. She enjoyed herself — for a first date there was a lot of intimate touching. But then it didn't go anywhere.

Why? What happened?
I don't know. The second date didn't happen. I guess I didn't push as hard as I should have for a second date. We scheduled it and then I called her, and she said she was tired and she was going home. I don't know. Our first date was amazing. She was gorgeous, and there was a lot of talking. If you can get a girl to walk from a bar to Prospect Park in heels, that means she really likes you.

What about a really bad date?
I had one recently. I'm a waiter and I freelance. Funds were a little low. I told the lady this, and I was going to reschedule the date because things didn't happen the way they were supposed to, money-wise. But my friend owns a bar, and they were having their one-year anniversary, so there were free cocktails. Perfect date time. The date should have been over after that, but no, she was hungry and she wanted to go out and eat. We went somewhere to eat, and I was like, "I'm not hungry," but she ordered a lot of stuff, and when the bill came she expected me to pay for all of it, when I basically nibbled. The next day I saw her and she was mad because she'd paid the bill, and I was like, "But I wasn't hungry. You said you were hungry, you should pay for your own food." It's not like we both were eating. She made it seem like I was trying to make her into a sugar mama.

Have you ever had a sugar mama?
Yes, I have. It's uncomfortable, though.

How did that happen?
I was working at a wine bar and she came in after my shift. She was forty-seven, an art director. After my shift was over, I sat down and started talking to her. And she bought dinner, and we drank or whatever, and after that she bought me my first iPhone, a laptop. But she was really controlling. Financially, she wore the pants, so I had to do anything and everything. I had to go places she wanted me to go to and deal with uppity people who made way more money than I do and talked about finance all the time.

Do you think it's something you would do again?
No. One day I came from pulling a double shift and went over to her place and I thought we could just chill or whatever. I fell asleep because I was really tired. Then I woke up to her pacing back and forth angrily, and she told me that I didn't come over to sleep. You can't tell a sugar mama that you're tired and you don't want to have sex.

Colleen, 30

How did you meet your boyfriend?
Through my ex-boyfriend! I've never in my life dated a friend of a friend, or a friend of an ex, ever ever ever. This is like totally weird. My ex boyfriend I actually met on the subway. In a two-minute ride we exchanged cards. After we broke up, we became really good friends, and he brought my boyfriend to a party, and that was that.

How long have you guys been together?
We've been together a year and a half. We got engaged for six months and then called the wedding off. We just went crazy. But we're fine. We're just dating, we live together, and that's it.

Do you ever get bored not being single?
I think it's really hard and I think he does too. My boyfriend and I are really good single people. We're really good at dating, really good at meeting people. We're both huge flirts, so it's hard to balance the jealousy thing, because we both still flirt a lot. You always secretly want to date. The grass is always greener on the other side, you know? But then you're happy you have a boyfriend and you're like, "I'm going to give up flirting." Then you're out one night and a hot guy talks to you, and you're like, "Fuck."

What are the other things you miss about being single?
There was something different all the time. You're constantly changing it up, meeting different people. And this is so selfish, but I miss the attention. I'm thirty and I've been friends with guys my whole life, so now even if I meet a guy at a bar who I think is cool and I want to be friends, it's kind of impossible. Like, they really all just want to have sex. I'm having a harder time making male friends because they're just like, "Oh, you have a boyfriend. All right, bye." Even though I'm awesome and they didn't stay around to figure out my personality's awesome.

Has anyone ever offended you in the bedroom?
One time I was hooking up with this guy, and I'd been hooking up with him for a while, but he was never... I don't know, we just always had the same exact routine. And then one day he decided to do three things at one time, basically, out of nowhere. But as he went to do it, he went, "Trifecta!" He sounded like Napoleon Dynamite. I couldn't believe it. I was like, "What the hell was that?" It was such a turnoff, and I was like, "Stop touching me." He finally did something cool, and he fuckin' said "Trifecta!" before it.

What was one of the dates you went on with your current boyfriend when you were realized it might go somewhere?
He was a really good dater. Our first date was pretty awesome. He always had like seven things planned in a night. So we went to this place for dinner in the West Village, then we went to a Yeasayer concert after that, then we went to a tequila den after that. He just kept the night going and we did a lot of cultural things. Even my ex before him, we always were having champagne at sunset on the rooftop of the Met and just doing different cool things.

Do you have any crazy exes?
I had an ex who lived with me for four years and broke up with me with a Post-It note on my refrigerator. When I came home, he'd actually gone back to Montana. There was a Post-It note, and it said, "Maybe love will be enough next time." And I literally never talked to him again. He cut me off from the phone, email, everything, after four years.