Talking to Strangers: Oakland, CA
Hooksexup asks deeply personal questions to people we just met.
by Jocelyn Hall
Nicole, 25
What do you do?
I'm a bartender.
Does that get you a lot of dates?
Occasionally you meet people who are worthwhile, but that's pretty rare. The problem is that most people you date get freaked out or jealous about it. But in some ways it's cool, because you get to meet a lot of people and flirt with them over the bar, where they can't touch you, and if they do you get to kick them out.
Have you ever met a boyfriend at work?
Oh yeah. I met my last boyfriend here. And I had another one for a year, when I was a cocktail waitress — I dated the bar manager. It's not the best situation, but it's nice to be near them.
Do you ever worry about your exes coming in to your bar?
All the time. I have a few exes who are banned from my bar! It's always the weirdest when you work in a public environment. If the person you're dating is a little too clingy, or your ex is a little too creepy, or you're having a bad night and the guy you're dating comes in or the girl you're dating comes in, it's a bummer. Nearly everyone in my industry has a horror story. It can get messy.
A lot of people want to move to San Francisco from Oakland. Do you think people in the city are different from people in Oakland, dating-wise?
I've always lived in Oakland, but I used to work in the city. I have a super anonymous online-dating account, and when I meet a guy and see that he lives in the city, even though it's only seven miles across the bridge, it seems almost insurmountable when you're dating somebody. You have to take BART, and the walk of shame is a whole different level of effort. 11 a.m. BART is the walk-of-shame express. If you start puking, everyone is guaranteed to start puking.
How do you impress a guy?
I'm mean and sassy and forward, and I'm usually at work, so my tits are probably hanging out.
Have you ever had sex at the bar?
I've definitely hooked up with a lot of boyfriends or dudes that I'm dating after we close the bar. Or you pass your number on a napkin across the bar — that's always a fun move, because then you see three or four other dudes visibly sigh. It's a nice ego boost. My boyfriend would come in, and there are freezers, refrigerators, food elevators, stockrooms, beer rooms, dry storage. All sorts of nooks and crannies.
Which is your favorite?
Top of the pool table. Or propped up on a bar stool against the back of the bar. Or leaning over the bar and getting fucked from behind while the dude is on the bar stool — that's always fun too.
Do you think guys in Oakland are different from guys in San Francisco?
Dudes in Oakland tend to be a little more rough-and-tumble than guys in San Francisco. I really like scumbags, I guess. In San Francisco, guys tend to be giant pussies, and as much as I'm a raging feminist, I enjoy a man that acts like a man. That doesn't mean you have to pay for me or be an asshole tough guy, and it doesn't mean that I want you to take care of me, because I probably make more money than you, honestly, and I'm probably more educated than you. But I want a guy who's not shaving his chest hair. I want a tall, burly man with throat tattoos who can pick me up and fuck me against a wall. Yeah, exactly. I love how all the ladies nod. If you can't pick me up and fuck me against a wall, I don't want anything to do with you.
Bob, 34
What do you do for a living?
Piss people off. No, just kidding. I'm a floor layer. I lay floors.
Does that get you a lot of dates?
Does it get me mad tail? No. [laughs] Not really. Well, sometimes women will say, "Oh you work hard; you work with your hands." But it's hit or miss.
How long have you lived in Oakland for?
Thirteen years.
How would you say the dating scene in Oakland compares to scene in San Francisco?
In San Francisco, you're not going to run into the same people who know you all the time. Here [Oakland], you come to this bar and you'll always see someone who you know or who knows someone who knows someone.
What do you do to impress the ladies?
Um, I don't know; I usually come out and party. I just like to have fun, and sometimes I get obnoxious. Sometimes I don't shave.
Do ladies love the beard?
Some do. Some will tell me I look really hot and I think, "What the fuck are you talking about? Half my face is covered in pubic hair! And you think I look handsome? You think this is hot? It looks like a horse's butt, dude."
What's the best dating experience you've had since you've lived in Oakland?
Probably the first date I took someone on. We went to a shooting range, a brewery, and then we went to Whiskeys of the World on a paddleboat in San Francisco. I was thinking, "This is the best first date ever."
After that did you guys date?
Actually, yeah, for like two years.
Do you think it was the date that set it off?
Yeah, because she said it was her dream first date, too. "Well, this is cool someone else likes whiskey as much as I do." That's how we met — drinking. Partying.
What do you look for when you want to date someone?
I don't have a certain type. If someone is awesome, that's fucking rad. I don't change, ever. I'll go out of my way to be sweet and nice. I mean I go out and I raise hell and sometimes I take off, like riding trains or hitchhiking or whatever, and I can see how that would be a problem, but I still don't want to change. I need someone who accepts my lifestyle and someone who is open to communicating.
Do you believe in love at first sight?
Yes.
Really? Most people have said no recently.
There was a gal that I saw — I don't know, maybe it's not love when you see someone coming in a bar and think, "Oh she's hot, oh he's fine." But if you see someone and the next day you wake up and you think of that person, and all of a sudden that person is taking space in your head, you're like, "Holy shit, I'd love to be able to tell that person." I think that's love, or damn near close to it.
Mia, 33
What do you do for a living?
I work in non-profits. I'm a fundraiser.
How long have you been married?
Five years, and we've been together for thirteen. We met at college — we both went to the University of San Francisco. My husband worked the night shift at the door. I never had my key, so he was always opening the door for me.
What was your first date like?
You'll have to ask him because he'll have a different story than I do [laughs]. We went to The Graduate — it was the twentieth anniversary or something. And we went to the theatre in the Castro. I think we had a good time, but then later he said I was really mean to him because he thought it was a date and I didn't. We didn't go on another date for a long time. It wasn't until later that I realized, "Okay, I really like this guy." I think I knew the minute we started dating that we would be together for the rest of our lives and have children together. I think I knew and might have been afraid. I was only nineteen or twenty.
What keeps the flame going?
I feel like our relationship is so different now from when we first started. We've grown up together. I've almost spent more of my life with him than not. I think what's great is that we both have separate lives outside of our relationship, so we can come home, and we can learn from each other. That's a big thing. We're interested in each other. We like to talk to each other. I mean, if you don't like to do that, you probably shouldn't be together.
Is there anything you'd like more of as a couple?
We always want time alone together. We don't get any [laughs] — we have two kids. We're always excited to go out and spend time together. We just talk to each other and ignore other people.
Commentarium (45 Comments)
After reading this particular TTS, I just realized: I do believe that you can know you'll fall in love at first sight. I think within 5 minutes sometimes, you can instantly tell what a relationship with someone would be like.
Random, but there it is. I usually don't go for that outlandish stuff, but I realize that's happened to me before.
These people are all nice and interesting.
"guys tend to be giant pussies, and as much as I'm a raging feminist..."
huh.
"I probably make more money than you, honestly, and I'm probably more educated than you."
sounds like a catch!
" If you can't pick me up and fuck me against a wall, I don't want anything to do with you."
Also known as the tenets of feminism!
Knowing what you want and holding out for nothing less is completely consistent with feminism.
but using the word "pussy" is not.
True, uhh. More responding to "ya"
@KS: There's a difference between honoring your inner desires and telling everyone who isn't already your perfect wet dream to get lost. The bartender doesn't have to have sex with anyone (or in any way) that she doesn't want to, but there are kinder ways to express disinterest, and I always thought that feminism was at least in part about getting people to treat each other with respect.
Saying "I don't want to fuck you" is a human right.
Saying "Nobody would want to fuck you" or "Yeah, exactly. I love how all the ladies nod" is dehumanizing.
You should've told Mark that the bartender is into neck tattoos! Assuming these were chronological.
Bob rules.
I've discovered, with few exceptions, that regardless of a woman's politics, appearance, age, background, etc, that like Nicole they love getting plowed. I don't mean just steroidal jackhammering, though having endurance is important. Guys gotta have technique, which mostly comes from paying attention to how a woman responds and also what turns you both on.
If a woman wants to date a woman, then she can date a woman. If she wants a man... she wants a MAN. For some reason I was really into scrawny little emo guys when I was 16-22, shortly after that I grew up and realized I was attracted to the Brawny Man.
Speak for yourself, sister. I'll pass on the neanderthal.
If you're going to have sex on the pool table, try to avoid leaning on the rails. You don't want to have to re-balance those things for a true bounce!
I'm very pleased Scott H. Biram made it onto Hooksexup, even if it was only through Bob's shirt.
The last thing Bob said happened to me this morning! Crazy.
I'd LOVE to do Nicole from behind bent over a bar!!
Didn't know you were into pegging. (Or maybe poor preposition placement... maybe you're also doing your prepositions from behind)
Oakland is a great place, imbued with slightly decrepit charm and riddled with idiosyncratic treasures. Best (and probably cheapest) place in the Bay Area. Great interviews overall, but with a major caveat. African Americans are a plurality of the population in Oakland (28%), and whites make up just 25% of the population (if you don't count latinos as whites, which in the context of this feature I wouldn't) so it is really strange that everyone interviewed was white.
+1. I was waiting for at least one ultra-hip gay black man to appear on here, but I guess not. Extremely ridiculous that everyone this week was white. Hooksexup, c'mon son!
It's not really that strange. The city is probably segregated like most places in the U.S.; therefore the places that the (likely White) Hooksexup writers are going are more likely to be places they are familiar and comfortable with (Whole Foods), and will be primarily white. It's rare to find a bar or restaurant anywhere urban that has a truly diverse crowd.
though that is not to say I think that editors shouldn't try to interview a group representative of the population. It's just not as simple as being able to go anywhere and get a completely representative sample.
isn't everyone interviewed in TTS white, or someone who looks like they're the only minority in the room?
no, this looks like downtown to me, which is pretty diverse. it's hard to find an exclusively white hoard of people over there, it takes some hunting. perhaps the lascivious nature of the questions made the interviewers avoid non-whites? not kewl & kinda boring
And whole foods employees are really easy. When I lived next to one, I could just walk in at about 9 pm, pick out a cashier, and reel them in with promises of Maker's Mark and racer 5. It's basically a brothel stocked with neck-tattooed male prostitutes who will play the Velvet Underground while they fuck you.
If you're not obese, and have a face, this will work for most of the male population ages 18-27ish...
Actually, I haven't found that to be true. A lot of guys, especially younger ones, are put off by women who approach them. I was dating women for a year and got used to approaching people, and when I started dating guys again I was surprised because while I get a lot of unsolicited attention from men, when I did the approaching I usually got shot down. Also, most of the male population ages 18-27 aren't bearded vegans with useless art degrees who name their cats after jazz musicians. I hate myself for it, but I love hipster boys.
omg..i live right behind a whole foods. i am definitely going to start going in there showing some leg, or maybe a little ankle..see where it leads. this is exciting news!
I love Bob's perspective on his beard! So many people nowadays treat their grooming/tattoo/piercing etc choices like religious tenets.
That was pretty awesome.
Ha - this is my 'hood, and I know Nicole! She's a total fox. You go, girl!
Where is that bar?
that interview with mia was fascinating and I just .. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I want to party with Bob. "Do you think it was the date that set it off?
Yeah, because she said it was her dream first date, too. "Well, this is cool someone else likes whiskey as much as I do." That's how we met — drinking. Partying."
This is the least self-aware bunch of interview subjects ever featured by Hooksexup, and that's saying a lot.
I just get this incredibly strong intuition that Mark needs to grow up. Sorry Mark, but you do.
I was thrilled to hear "San Luis Obispo" and even more thrilled that is was sex on a roof
Is that Eddie Van Halen's guitar on the wall behind Nicole?
EVH copy and Randy Rhoads
Is it just me or is Nicole not actually that hot?
No she's not, but she's going hard with the "I'm not hot but I like to talk dirty and show off my tits" approach to getting attention.
It works on a certain segment of men. Namely the neck-tattooed barfly types, so she's probably doing well in her niche.
Nicole sounds like a piece of work w/daddy issues.Poor girl,get some therapy.
yea woman tend to be cocks too.
Kind of an off-putting group this time...
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