Five Stories: Post-Breakup Insanity

“It was ridiculous, immature, and downright spiteful. But at the time, it felt right.”

By Hooksexup Readers 

Men Seeking Men

Admittedly, this was probably an immature, ridiculous, and wholly spiteful thing to do after I broke up with my ex, Spence. But God, it was funny.

It was a couple days after we broke up, and I was changing my status of my Facebook profile and trying to untag pictures of him and me. Naturally that sucked me into surfing his profile just to play the obsessive what-is-he-doing-and-I-hope-he’s-in-a-ditch-game. To let you know, it was a pretty bad breakup, cheating was involved — or more bluntly, he cheated — so it did not help to see recent pictures of him in bars, partying, drinking, hanging all over random girls. And I know the way women deal with breakups is different than men do, but his way of dealing seemed to have extra douche-ocity thrown in. You’d think guys from the U.K. would have more class than guys in the U.S. but no, no, that whole manners thing does not go with the accent.

As I sat there looking at his pictures, I started to get upset. That led to anger, and that led to the sensible-at-the-time thought that I should do something really awful to him. He doesn’t own a car, so I couldn’t trash it, and I couldn’t go and toilet paper his building — his neighbors didn’t deserve to pay for his asshole-ness. Then I saw a link he posted about some place he and his shitty improv troupe were performing, and that got me thinking about how unfunny he is (he thinks he’s the missing member of Monty Python. Well, he’s missing something). And that, in turn, got me to thinking about how he always was playing sucky practical jokes on people. Well, two can play that game, buddy.

So after a shot (or four) of Jameson, and various encouraging texts from my friends, I went onto Craigslist and posted his ad in the “Men seeking Men” forum, and included his real phone number. Just to make it look real, I threw in a Halloween picture I still had from when he dressed up as Lady Gaga. I heard from mutual friends he ended up having to change his number because of it. It was glorious. And if it makes me the crazy ex-girlfriend, well, at least I’m not the lying, stinking, cheater. — Kim Phillip  
 
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