Who Would You Rather?: John Mayer vs. Shia LaBeouf

Our writer chooses between two of the greatest self-proclaimed libertines of our time.

By Lizzie Plaugic

Witness if you will two (admittedly talented) young lotharios who can't stop bragging about the women they've slept with. Women usually react to their cockiness with exaggerated revulsion, yet it seems likely that someone's sleeping with them. What would I do if I were forced to choose? Let's break it down.

1. PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS

They're both objectively attractive, I guess. No doubt they're facially symmetrical, anyway. Both have had definite Cast Away phases, which would probably be nice for some role-play, but isn't necessarily something I'd want to wake up next to.

This is going to require a closer look, so let's zoom in a little. As far as eyes, LaBeouf's are sort of hazel-y and honestly pretty swoon-inducing. On the other side, there's a suspicious number of black and white photos of John Mayer on the internet, which I think may be a thinly-veiled attempt to hide his dead eyes. Mayer doesn't smile with his teeth often; probably because his teeth are, creepily, extremely small. LaBeouf has a nice whole-face smile.

Below the neck, John Mayer's nipples are tiny and dark like pennies, and he's got a left-arm sleeve of what looks like zig-zags and flowers. He also has a "77" tattooed on his chest, representing his birth year, which makes me think he's afraid of forgetting it. LaBeouf has slightly puffy, non-threatening nipples, and a tattoo of a chained hand and a paw print on his left side. Not sure what's going on there.

Basically what it comes down to is, they both have nice nipples, but Mayer has amphetamine eyes, so LaBeouf wins.

Addendum: Penis

LaBeouf flashed a quick profile of his flaccid manhood in a Sigur Rós video, and it was definitely... there. Mayer once called his dick a "white supremacist," which kinda makes this whole thing a no-contest for LaBeouf, 'cause I don't want a little hooded white supremacist inside me. 

POINT: LABEOUF

2. TALENT/CAREER

I can't say I've ever actively listened to John Mayer, but I think it's probably better, as a lover, to be outside of fandom. I've sucked a few dicks-in-bands, and, well, it's just less weird if you're not fellating someone whose albums you would go home and listen to. That said, Mayer has a sultry voice, and I've been told his gee-tar playing skills are more than technically proficient. Also, in the past decade or so, he's released five full-length albums, won seven Grammys, hosted a VH1 show, and written a column for Esquire, so at the very least, the dude can multi-task. 

LaBeouf was in the Transformers series, which I haven't seen. He was also in Holes, which I have seen. I watched it this summer with three dudes who were Robo-tripping. My fuck-buddy had just broken things off, and to be honest, I was fantasizing more about his penis, but I remember thinking that LaBeouf had a really soothing voice. Like, one that I wanted whispering really dirty things to me. LaBeouf also had a small role in Freaks and Geeks, which means instant cred. 

POINT: LABEOUF

 

3. PAST LOVERS (WHO I WILL HAVE SLEPT WITH VIA THE TRANSITIVE PROPERTY)

Mayer:

Jennifer Aniston
Taylor Swift
Katy Perry
Jessica Simpson
Jennifer Love-Hewitt
So many fans, probably

LaBeouf:
Megan Fox
Isabel Lucas
Carey Mulligan
Karolyn Pho

Mayer takes the cake here. If I'm going to be a star-fucker, I might as well go all the way. You know that saying "Reach for the moon — if you fail, you'll still land among the stars," or something like that? Well, in this case, John Mayer's the moon, and all of his conquests are a sparkly, poreless galaxy.

POINT: MAYER