lovely and sensual and mesmerizing.

Certainly a wonderful story. Intimate, personal, and heartbreaking.

I so respect you, Mia! A mom's gotta get some, too! But I'm sorry it was so hard and heart-breaking...I hope you are doing well! You are amazing!

Detailed, beautiful writing and so relatable. From one single mom in nyc to another...I feel ya!

A good reason to wait to have sex until you are in a relationship with someone you want to spend the rest of your life (and raise children) with.

I feel for her trauma, but she's gotta get back into the swing in a worry free way.

@wow: how do you ever really know 4 sure? my friends just got divorced. kid is 4 months old. husband cheated when she was pregs. i say protection all the way. single moms need some play too!

I can totally relate. I'm not married, but there have definitely been times when I KNOW we used a condom, I KNOW I can't be pregnant...but I'm late and freak out and take multiple bargain pregnancy tests. Glad you're getting some, Mia!

If you're that concerned, keep spermicide in your purse, then when things get hot and heavy, use the spermicide in addition to a condom. Two methods of birth control are better than one if you really don't want to get pregnant! Oh, and $20 an hour for a babysitter? That girl is ripping you off. You only have one kid ... $10-15 should be the rate. You can definitely find someone reliable for less.

Well, her deadbeat-dad ex is the real shitheel villain here in any case; BUT I also think she's insane if she thinks she can have sex with guys wearing condoms and still make them pull out before they come. Especially with no before-talk. I mean Jesus, that was the whole point of him WEARING a condom, no? If you're gonna do that, I think you owe it to anyone you haven't warned ahead of time to get him off some other way after you've had your fun. Just to be GGG, as Dan Savage would say.

I bet her ex (the dad who left) isn't sweating his sex life. jeesh!

Agree,making a guy pull out with a condom is just cruel. But @SG how do you know the Dad is a villain, we got no backstory here. The Single Mom doesn't always deserve the instant sympathy.

@klp: Maybe he's not a villian, but why did he agree to have a child then bounce--likely bounce when ABORTION (two months in--is a pretty shitty time to abort!) was no longer an option? Get it? She's making waffles and taking plan B--what's he doing?

If you really don't want another kid, why not have tubal ligation? An alternative, since you've proven your fertility (and if you want another child down the road) is an IUD. There are methods at your disposal to minimize your worry to a large extent.

Ex was stupid to not use condom, so was she. Once a woman gets preggo, she is VERY unlikely to listen to what the guy has to say. It becomes her decision. Guy cannot win in this situation. I don't think she is ready to screw yet.

is the dad who left allowed to screw?

Sounds like she is really using this guy and I'll bet his feelings will get crushed. Why doesn't she hire a prostitute (sex worker)?

This was a great article! It's a reminder of how we humans tend to react based on fear more than anything else, even when logic says otherwise, and we know it. Maybe this will help. I can't absolutely guarantee you won't get pregnant even on the pill and also using a condom. However, I also can't absolutely guarantee you won't be hit by a meteor tomorrow. There's risk in everything we do, including risks in doing nothing, but you've only got one life, and you might as well live a little! If you do get pregnant and decide you don't want another kid, at least by that guy, adoption and abortion are alternatives you can consider. If you do get hit by a meteor, well, sorry for the jinx.

great story and an interesting juxtaposition of the passionate moments with the anxious reality of a woman once burned. great writing too. thanks for sharing your story so honestly. i completely hear your need to feel like a human being and want to have sex with someone.

why would she want to hire a sex worker and take what is likely a bigger gamble at getting an std in addition to the risk of getting pregnant by a not-for-hire guy? that would make me doubly anxious. not to mention the fact that men use women all the time, and vice versa. if you dont want to be used for sex, i think you probably should not sleep with someone on the first date regardless of how nice you think they are. if you do, it is with the adult realization that you are using eachother, to some extent

This essay is beautiful and relatable. I've never been pregnant, but I've definitely made some crappy decisions and had some near misses. I can understand wanting to have sex and being terrified of the consequences, and having your game plan change right in the middle of things. I wish I could give the author free babysitting and a cup of tea. With respect to any of my fellow commenters who would like to tell the author what she should or shouldn't do, if she's being mean to her partner, or making mistakes, or being anything shy of ideal: I assume none of you have ever done things you're not proud of, and if, in fact, you have ever fucked up something important, you might not want to throw that stone inside your glass house.

Well sounds like the Author is wise enough to be freaked out about ruining her life with unwanted/unplanned parenthood, but I think its kind of closing the gate after the horse has bolted. What places have an abortion limit at 8 weeks? Maybe if there wasn't such a draconian attitude towards abortion this woman could have avoided this kind of situation and actually have a kid through a conscious choice. Seriously people should not be having kids just because they made a mistake and don't want to get an abortion, especially if you decided to have the baby as a "couple" then the other person bounces. Also if you're not comfortable with dating or sex, you shouldn't be putting yourself in circulation. We all have crazy shit going on in our little worlds, but if you drop it on people without warning (pre-orgasm no less), then its okay if they bail out.

Uh, where did abortion get into this? So you are telling the author she should have killed her baby? Wow.

What a beautifully told story. It doesn't get better than that. Thoughts, emotions straight to the page with complete transparency.

This is a really heartfelt article, nicely written.

The author seems to "love her kid," but hate being a parent. I'm pretty sure most people feel this way. Yet they feel the need to pressure me to procreate. Misery loves company?

@gg: i think the author love her kid and being a parent BUT i think the point of this piece is that the absent parents are FREE to f*CK. this piece is about responsibility, passion, and fear. And hiring a sex worker?EHEHEH! NO. How about that a 31 yr old mom is still allowed to eat steak and have no strings sex LIKE EVERYONE else--she didn't get herself pregnant. The dad was around in the beginning. HELLO!

I don't think it's weird he pulled out. my guy comes on my stomach all the time. so he had a condom on--clearly she was nervous and didn't think she would be--doubt she went into this thinking, gee, let me torture him during the sex i haven't had in 3 yrs. give mia a break! she was just doing what normal 31 year old women do all the time. having sex.

Very well written and realistic.

i can picture everything happening. she can write.

this sounds more like a excerpt from a book than a real life experience

@rd: exactly. brilliant, ay?

I can't believe what a crazy bunch of judgemental dorks there are on here. What the hell are they doing reading Hooksexup anyway?? I thought was really sweet and real. It's about rolling dice and taking chances, not an own invite for puritanical and cowardly windbagging

beautiful.

I have LIVED THIS!! I mean, I'm not a mom. But the panic, the craziness the next day...love it.

Bravo to Mia. To anyone telling her she's wrong for being nervous and conflicted, I hope for your sake you're never in the situation that Mia is in. F*ck you for blaming the victim. Unless you believe that we as a species are only supposed to have sex to have children (in which case, why the hell are you reading Hooksexup in the first place?), how dare anyone judge her for detailing her jumble of emotions? Does anyone really expect Mia to know ahead of time how she would react to the situation? And for all the criticism about making the guy pull out with the condom on... how about some appreciation for the guy being a man about it? Sounds like he knew exactly what the situation was and was cool with it - probably more so than Mia was. I applaud you, Mia, for sharing the story and for finding the courage to take those first steps back into the water. Being a parent might mean you have to readjust your priorities, but it doesn't mean you have to stop being human.

Bravo for having written a vibrant, honest, touching story. Please ignore the few asshat commenters who can forego no opportunity to spew idiotic bile.

thank you for making me feel less alone.

Beautiful...simply beautiful.

"Cruel" is torchering kittens or insulting somebody. "Cruel" is not "not letting somebody come in your body" No one has a RIGHT to that. There is a very high percentage of women who don't come every time they have sex. Jesus.

What a great story and a great showing of responsibility on your side. I hope you can learn to enjoy sex again. You deserve it. Trusting someone will help.

fuck the waiting and responsibility - all i want to do is babysit for you.

This would make a good short film.

Very well written. I can totally empathise with her situation, even though I'm a guy. This shows how the enormity of responsibility on a woman can be crushing. But she has done herself no favours in this almost "zipless fuck". Don't just think sex is the answer. The key to healing is communication and sharing.

@SD: Give her a little more credit, would you please? There's nothing in the essay to suggest the author thinks sex is "the answer". Its one facet of a complex person (as we all are) that she was trying to come to terms with.

I volunteer to assist all single mothers that need some lovin'.

Wonderful writing. Thank you.

i am a single mom and when you raise a child alone, you ALWAYS fear doing it again. the child is wonderful--doing it alone is hard--not so much the parenting, but rather the loneliness that comes w/ it. the deadbeat dads do not know the burden they set on child and mom. we are human. prick us we bleed.

I know what this author is talking about. Sometimes I can't relax or enjoy because I'm also deathly afriad of getting knocked up, and I don't even have a kid. I've just grown up around second-generation teenage moms who remind me all the time how having kids stunted their own dreams. Now at 28, fully educated on birth control and whatnot, I'm still as paranoid as I am was at 18. Great story.

I can relate to this story. I'm always paranoid, regardless of the precautions taken.

the men that leave have nothing to worry about--unless you count a lifetime of guilt.

I really enjoyed reading your honest, heartfelt story. I've never been in your exact situation, but I can sympathize with the paranoia when the stakes are so high. Good for you for going on the pill, and I hope this contributes to a fulfilling sex life in the future. And like someone already mentioned, nobody is required to get the other party off during sex. You consent to how much you're ok with, and if coming inside isn't something you're ok with, good for you for not doing it.

Plan A B AND C. You're safe. Get some more.

Beautiful!

the pill and a condom = more sex 4 mia. have fun and make blueberry smily face pancakes too! have it all.

Enjoyed the article. Have no kids but that same paranoia strikes me the day after, too, no matter how great I might feel the day before. Nice to know I'm not crazy or at least not alone in the feeling.

I can't believe the people who were saying that because the guy wore a condom, he basically earned the right to come in her. People use multiple forms of birth control all the time, I don't see why condoms *and* the pull out method seems so weird. She is doing what she needs to in order to be responsible. It seems ridiculous to criticize that

Hi, I'm on the pill 3 months now. The guy I'm casually seeing wore a condom the 2x we did it. I WAITING for my period. Happens to the BEST of us. Mia, you deserve CONNECTION!!!

I enjoyed this. I can relate to the sense of fear as a woman, as many men are very selfish. This is why I've used injectable birth control for many years now. Unfortunately most men will try to not use condoms, even arguing with me about it, as if there is no such thing as disease. It has made sex something sad and fearful for me a lot of the time.