Share this article:

Oh my god, if this is from the archives, then I hope that the author has outgrown this bullshit. It makes me angry on so many levels--first and foremost, they're just BOYS. Nothing to get so fucking anxious about. Second, do you not interact with any men at all? Ever? Where do you work, for god's sake? Third, seriously, were you abused and/or abandoned when you were young? If you had no dad, I wouldn't be surprised. Fourth, you have to practice at relationships--so maybe you should entertain the idea of dating some of these guys because THAT would be the new experience, the new territory you've never explored. Fifth, see a shrink because you're fucked up. Finally, quit reading shitty books, and I hope everyone has figured out by now that Carrie in Sex and the City was a neurotic asshole (not Charlotte and Samantha, who knew what they wanted and didn't agonize over it). Seriously, she's how old? And she's still whining about what she wants out of life? At that age, if you haven't decided about your life, you should be embarrassed about that fact and keep it to your damn self. It isn't cute, it's pathetic. Seriously, and especially in the movie, Carrie and Big are FUCKING 40 AND 50 YEARS OLD. And move out of New York City. Everything I read by people who date in NYC betrays it to be the most self-conscious, self-focused, navel-gazing place. GOD, just reading it makes me exhausted. You are all TOO OLD for this mental masturbation. LIFE IS NOT A NOVEL. And you die way too soon to waste your time on nonproductive bullshit.

I read an article somewhere about a study that linked promiscuity with an individual's perception of her attractiveness. Maybe the author doesn't think that in her skin she can get anybody worthwhile so she's made a game of spurning everyone. I wish her luck and peace.

Ugh.

I for one, applaud her for being honest with who she knows she is. Sure theres some self agrandizing and a dash of pop culture references, spiced with seinfeld episodes, but really, this is partially saying " look at how fucked my perceptions can become because of terrible pop influences" and also saying " i know what i want isnt for everyone, but dammit, it works for me". Some of us werent build for long term, just like some of us like Bj's but not pegging and vice versa. I'd much rather take the route that makes me happier instead of what everyone tells me is the way things should be, but it makes me miserable. As a great write said "Above all else, to thy own self be true. Now watch me make this drive."

A suggestion: When you publish something from the archives, add an "(originally published on . . .)" subtitle. I think it might be interesting and provide a time frame for what the author was thinking.

hooooow is this interessstting?!! *whines like a petulant child*

I actually related to a lot of this - when i was a younger woman, i really did flee from relationships. casual sex was easier; there's a time and place for everything. i think she was taking an honest look at her behaviors, not forcing them on anyone else, just sharing. we need more honesty - and it's a brave person who can admit when they're a little fucked up. because we all are, in one way or another...

Hey- call me next time you are in my neighborhood.

Hey, JL Scott, do you "totally and effortlessly understand" anyone you've just met? Grab a clue, sister; relationships of any kind take time and effort and an open mind. Maybe you don't realize how you're coming off in this article, but it sounds like you are a bit of an idiot and quite a snob. It sounds like you haven't formed your own identity, that you've let popular culture do that for you...and if you have yet to notice, pop culture has no soul. I'm not buying your story about prefering hook ups to real relationships and intimacy, especially after all this time...I don't believe you buy your own story, either. I'm sure with some sincere effort you can turn yourself around though, come to know yourself and then be able to share that with others. Good luck to you.

I actually really liked this article. I can relate to it. I hate being in relationships. I feel boxed in when Im with one person. I dont think its fucked up at all. some people arent made for relationships and there's nothing wrong with that. Im a lesbian so I dont know, maybe its different with straight girls, but I really cant imagine finding one person and staying with them for any long amount of time. There's so many women out there and so many experiences to be had with them. I think its sad that women are expected to find a man and settle down. I feel like thats not expected of men. People don't always talk bad about the men who sleep with different women every night, because thats what people expect of them. Its a double standard and thats sad. People should respect the way others live, no matter how much they might disagree.

As someone in her early 20s who's only just broached the "multiple date before sex" world, I know where this chick is coming from. In college I lost 60 pounds the summer before senior year. No one recognized me. I went out, hooked up with some guy on the doorstep of a party, and took him home. It was what I wanted at the time... and forty guys later... I'm starting to look for something deeper. But only starting. I know how to go to a bar, find a guy, hook up with him, and flee in the morning before he wakes up. And I'm happy to do that. But. My friends are getting married... and the longest 'relationship' I've been in was three months long.

What is is wrong with fucking on the first date? It is not a 'weapon' to keep a man (or woman maybe) interested. We do these things in our own natural way. Sex isn't all about being with someone for the rest of your lives, or even using it as a way to desperately hang on to a 'partner' for even a few weeks. I think all you people expressing scorn and disgust in the above comments seem a little envious. It takes a certain person and certain courage to be a little more, shall we say 'colourful' in life. And JL, your writing of this scenario you try to make yourself sound a little screwy. Underneath that, you seem perfectly normal. There is no need to pretend not to be.

The author doesn't sound like she enjoys the sex, just the feeling of power and being wanted. As she writes, "I loved everything associated with fucking" -- but not the fucking itself. I can't speak for anyone else, but when I read this article, I don't envy her at all. Rather, I pity her -- not because she is or isn't promiscuous (who cares?), but because she seems like a neurotic narcissist whose basic experience of life is fundamentally superficial and joyless.

Geez I love this, it reminds me of myself at a younger age (the Starbucks bathroom part was especially nostalgic.) I can't believe these negative comments. She's a relatively young woman playing the field who maybe isn't ready for the committment of a relationship yet: BIG SHOCK? Yes, she does include pop culture references in her life - who doesn't? I think in the end she realized that while these characters may have shaped her perception of relationships and men, she's an individual person and her life is not a show.

jesus people. get off your fucking high horses. I often feel exactly the same way as this women. Sure she could be going for long term involved relationships. But she ain't and that’s fine. All of us who can't quite seem to feel content when in the confines of a relationship know very well the dread of the banal beginnings and then the relato-phopia that sets in when expectations take root. Those of us who feel this way do know that these feelings betray, wait for it, wait for it, yup an inability to get close. Wow big insight there!!

just to clarify on my earlier comment, i'm not judging anyone's promiscuous nature or desire (or lack there of) of a relationship. who cares? honestly. but the entire attitude of this person towards sex seems bizarre at best. i mean, sex is fucking fun, no? not *just* a neurotic power trip?

I wish I could find a chick like this. All I ever seem to attract are the ones who want to talk, spend money, communicate, peck on the cheek, etc... Screw the relationship stuff, if it were all free like this what a wonderful world.

"the hippie activist who lived with six roommates in a loft with bedrooms separated by office dividers became the I Heart Brooklyn Boy" - I think I know that guy!

There is nothing wrong with fucking on the first date. And there is nothing wrong with having lots of sex with lots of different people you don't care to get to know. This author explicitly states she is terrified of getting to know men; she gets off on being "the imperious girl above it all" the 'all' being the hard work of a) knowing yourself, b) having the stones to show yourself to an other and to see them as well, and then to c) have a relationship with that person. It's great she fucked all those people, but she didn't appear to learn jack shit from doing so. I think you can have one night stands or short term relationships and have great fun...and ideally, learn what you like and don't like in yourself and your partners. Then you have a better idea of what you want/don't want in a partner. When the potential long term parnter comes along, you'll know sooner if you've put some energy into developing your own friggin' personality. This author might be a good lay, but she sounds painfully boring otherwise. It's very sad that she can't get close to someone else; it speaks to the fact that she either has no idea who she is or that she detests/doesn't value what she does know about herself. I don't envy her at all. And as for men who only have one night stands, they are just the same as this author. It doesn't matter what your gender or sexual orientation is; fuck all you want, but for christ's sake take something from the whole endevour other than a false and fleeting sense of superiority at not having felt a thing at all.

i don't understand the venom expressed in some of these negative comments. I related a lot to this story - it has been a struggle for me to become confidant enough in myself that I'm able to open up and be intimate with someone, and the struggle is ongoing. Some people find relationships easier to forge than others, but i think that all of us go through a struggle towards self knowledge and self acceptance, whether we do it within the construct of a relationship, or on our own. There's good writing and there's bad writing, but I hardly think a writer needs to portray herself as a perfectly confidant and self-actualized person in order for something to be considered 'good writing'. Quite the opposite, usually.

I am a divorced woman who is quite confident and successful, and knows herself well. Part of this knowing myself is knowing my heart was broken and I am not yet ready for a relationship. After 17 years with the same man, I am finding pleasure and joy and liberation and power in having a string of these same kind of hookups and one-night stands. They are with lovely men who are also broken right now in some way, and the few hours I have spent with each one have been nothing but magical, and amazingly but briefly intimate.

I'm not judging you (since, at the end of the day, you must do what is best for your own life), but I do offer a word of caution: to the women who sleep with dozens of men when they're young and carefree, you might have trouble finding "the one" when you get a bit older and are looking to settle down. Not to be prudish, but as a guy it would give me great pause to become involved in a relationship with a woman who has been with more than 15-20 men by the age of 28-30. I know this number may not seem like a huge deal to you, but to a lot of guys it begs the question of what's wrong with you if you can't stay with someone longer than a few weeks. Beyond basic disease concerns, there's also the issue of loyalty...and for a lot of guys, a promiscuous past will be a deal-breaker.

fuck off AB with your lots of guys. You speak only for yourself. All you are doing is showing that you believe in the double standard. I am a guy and it would not bother me one bit if a girl had slept with 60 guys by the time she was 30. (assuming we start having sex when we are 18 that would be 5 a year, or one every 2 to 3 months.) If a girl like that and me really clicked and made that uber special connection, i'd have no problem getting long term with her. Guys like you perpetuate the whole innocent/whore complex. What are you afraid of in a women who has the moxi to explore her full sexuality?

hugs to the author.

great article , this is exactly how i feel!

to AB: I would hope you would be more intereseted in the present and future of any woman you are with, not her past. A person's past is none of your damn beeswax anyway.

"Fuck all you want, but for christ's sake take something from the whole endevour other than a false and fleeting sense of superiority at not having felt a thing at all." -- Ding ding ding. The people who are writing in praise of JL Scott "leading a colorful life" or whatever seem to be projecting their own wish-fulfillment fantasies onto her piece, not reading what's actually there. This isn't about misogyny or promiscuity or whether it's OK to have sex outside of relationships; it's about proclaiming one's own vapidity and shallowness as a source of pride. If you want to proudly proclaim that you "relate" to a piece where the author basically says that she has lots of empty, joyless sex in which she doesn't even appear to get off (there's NO REFERENCE TO SEXUAL PLEASURE in this essay ostensibly about sex), simply because she likes the power trip or wants to feel wanted or wants to feel like a character in a book...well, have fun with that. The rest of us would be well-advised to stick with people who like to fuck because they like to have orgasms and feel good and make their bedmates feel good, not because they use it as a substitute for badly needed therapy. It's the former category, not the latter, where you'll find a genuinely good lay.

I have read your story with interest and just think that whilst you do come across as sexually immature, you should just go with what you feel. If your not ready to settle down into relationships then don't. I had a great time fucking around it was totally liberating, I too had a fuck buddy for 7 years and love the freedom it gave. Then one day I just wanted more, so that what I went for, it has to be the right space and time for you, but do it for you, not for a story to tell your friends.

AB a message for ya firstly, if a woman who'd slept with lots of men then met you it's umlikely that you'd both have enough in common to get serious anyway secondly - a woman is capable of lying about the number of men she's slept with so if you wanna hear 3 she'll tell ya 3 and finally - you are judging

You speak lovingly of yourself and your post-divorce hook-ups. It sounds like you were with those men for sincere and mutual pleasure and continued growth as humans; the world needs more people like you. JL Scott totally disses the men she hooks up with and, if I read her correctly, sometimes only got with men so she could dis them later to her friends. The negative comments here appear to take issue not with the quantity of her hook-ups, but with the utter lack of respect this story shows for her self and her chosen partners.

no mention of flirtation of love of any thing you just a prime example of a girl who Does not know what she wants. Why did you go to a all girls college..is that normal?? Dismal individual I think you should see a shrink.(but your seeing one) You seem not to enjoy sex at all yet that is all you what to do.

if the person just has no freaking idea how to talk to somebody from opposite sex it doesn't mean this person is so cool and wild and free. this persom just does freaking not know how to keep not boring conversation. and relationship starts from getting to know th person you date. I do not think it is nice to only know name and age and not to bother about person's past. the whole article is soo full of immature thoughts. that's what colledge studens do sometime, not adults. running from the problm is not going to solve it. author has to stop excusing herself and just grow up.

I totally agree with MEP! I'm not judging the promiscuity I'm judging the fact that the author is so hollow.

I would just like to point out that there is a story currently up on Hooksexup, written by a guy who was so ashamed by his lack of sexual experience that he lied to every single one of his friends, as well as the girls he dated, making up wild stories about fake sexual experiences, all while feeling hopelessly inadequate, alienated from women, and insecure. all of the comments on that story are extremely positive, yet his behavior is no more mature, self aware, or honorable than J. L. Scott's. I liked his story, and I like this one too, I'm just saying - how come it's ok for him to laugh about how messed up he is/was, and not ok for her? seriously, someone enlighten me.

Man, you were a loser. I hope you shaped up.

That is a good point. Consider, though, that in the guy's piece, he faces himself and his lies and sorts himself out in the end. Reading his piece, I believe he really did post that story on facebook and I believe he's using his real name. In the Scott piece (there is another story by Scott in the archives, in a very sad and similar vein as this one, Note from your Drunken Date) she doesn't seem to care enough about enyone or anything to bother changing...she almost sounds proud that she sticks with the same empty behavior. Her piece also attempts to blame external factors (pop culture, having gone to an all women'e college) for her philosophy/behavior. It is too bad her piece took so much heat; I don't think gender has much to do with it, more like it happened to be the guy who fucked up and used it to improve himself. In the Scott piece it seems she just wants to wallow and she maybe wants us to applaud her for wallowing. It's diffcult to be positive in response to that.

What bothers me about this article? I understand this is Hooksexup, and the whole "I'm edgy, I don't care, I'm snarky, I live in a city" thing is supposed to be "real cool", but in the end it just feels old. I could care less about whether the author sleeps with a lot of guys or not. That's not really relevant. What seems relevant is how this sort of attitude pervades people in their twenties today, and what it can do to ones health and life. For some reason all I could think about while reading this was I hope you practice safe sex. Brith control, condoms, they don't prevent herpes and HPV. Guys you meet at bars, or have random sex with who have multiple partners, aren't always the most honest in terms of their personal lives and health. I'll be 100% honest, I have told a chick I just met that I was clean, when I hadn't been to a doctor in months. Do I regret it? Hell yeah, and when she called me and told me she had HPV I fucking regretted it even more. When I met my current girlfriend, I was scared shitless of the moment I would tell her that I probably have an STD. Luckily for me she was understanding. I wish this site would feature authors that contribute to articles that paint more accurate portrayals of sex then the "oh I am so vapid I can't be with only one person." Why? Because that booty call of yours has 10 others, and who knows if they are honest with him. The point of this rambling about STD's, or whatevever? That sex is complicated and you should look at it more then just something that's "exciting" or some sort of game. You can be as emotionally detached as you want, but when you pick up that first Valtrex prescription, you might think again about the choices you have made.

That was sickening.

Are great sustaining relationships possible? Reading this makes me question all women and their ability to commit.

Isn't the point of this that she IS self aware, but she's doing it anyway? It's that she knows it's not right, she knows it's not normal and healthy, but no matter what, she's doing it because it feels emotionally safe. I don't think she's flaunting her behavior or proud of herself (why would she do it under a pseudo then?) but I think she very eloquently and beautifully writes about being confused and unsure, etc.

Don't worry, and don't generalize too much -- though in this case I think conventional wisdom is right, and women (especially outside of NYC and other "jaded cities") are generally better able and more willing to commit than men are. Or at least that's been my experience. But, YMMV.

I am a 39 year old woman, I have been married and have been in several long term relationships, prior. Believe or not there were all sucessful , in their own way. I don't have the exact same objective as the young lady I know myself. But I find that I prefer to have a lover or two. Someone who I like and the sex is great. I find that at the moment relationship are not really what I have in mind. I truly could give a fuck about what society think about it.

i am going to be really honest and say that i perceive people who fuck on the first date to be of low self esteem, in need of a power trip, under the influence of something, or messed up in another way. no rational, mentally healthy person would risk pregnancy or an std, which is what you do when you don't know someone and screw someone. and if it's because you're sexually frustrated, why would you not masturbate, or wait your urges out? i have always found that strange. it's not empowering to women at all. it makes you mentally loose-- and this is coming from somebody who has entensively studied feminism, women's history, and psychology. or maybe, as a rape survivor, i see sex as a bit more sacred, and would never put myself in that situation with someone i hardly know. maybe the author doesn't know this, but endorsing those kinds of beliefs can lead to a lot of harm and put women in situations that will change their life forever.

@JT: Wow, that's fucking judgmental of you. FYI: "Rational, mentally healthy" people don't risk pregnancy or STI's by using protection and common sense. Those things aren't a risk just with first date sex--you can get pregnant or get an STI from fourth or fifth date sex, or even from a long-term partner in a monogamous relationship. Sexual promiscuity has nothing to do with mental health. There are fucked up people who screw around and perfectly sane ones who screw around. And I say this as somebody who is a feminist and well-versed in gender and sexuality studies. It's fine for you if you want to save sex for a later date or view it as sacred, but don't go around thinking that those who aren't EXACTLY like you suffer from mental or personality disorders. That's just fucking arrogant.