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Until recently, I existed in the in-between world of not exactly thin but not exactly fat: the sizes twelve-through-fourteen instead of six-to-eight. Not obese, but heavy enough that people assumed I was the type of girl who lived in the blissful world of overeating.
From then on, whenever I was with a guy, it was in the role of runner-up. Sex was mutually understood to be nothing more than fucking. Within the first fifteen minutes of conversation at college parties, guys would mention that they knew of an empty room, where maybe we should get to know each other in private. As soon as we were by ourselves, the lights would go out and our clothes would come off. After a few vague caresses, his cock would be offered reverentially as he pushed me down on my knees. Then we might quickly fuck while he whispered about how hard he wanted to pound me and I moaned encouragement.
— handcuffs, whips, spontaneous sex with his roommate while he watched. Sex was a kind of contest: me versus the skinny girls. I wanted to prove that even if I wasn’t as pretty or thin as they were, I had no boundaries. I would make lots of noise and tell him to fuck me so hard it hurt — and he would love it.
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