True Stories: Scents and Sensibility
Born without a sense of smell, could I ever fall in love?
By Katie Wudel
I was born without a sense of smell. The term for this is anosmia. It can be temporary, but for me, it's permanent — a congenital, hopeless case. My parents thought I was faking it for years, until they noticed I made no attempts to hold my breath when we drove past meat-packing plants or road-kill skunks.
I share the specifics of my anosmia on a need-to-know basis; it's confusing enough to have, even worse to have to explain to someone. There are schools that teach you how to live without sight or sound; there's sensitivity training for politically correct interaction with the blind and deaf. But if you're anosmic, you have to figure it out for yourself — even then, sometimes you need help. A few days ago I'd been microwaving my delicious, economical dinner of choice — microwave popcorn. I'd grabbed the bag, steam curling from it in wispy shapes, and put my face too close to the hot corn air. I'd inhaled a lungful before I realized it was smoke, not steam. The kitchen was hazy; the fire alarm went off. Just when I started yanking at the window above our sink, my roommate clambered in.
"What are you doing?" she screamed. I had to apologize and explain. "Really? You can't smell? How do you eat? How do you live?"
My roommate, Cecilia, is a lusty woman, perhaps the only truly lusty woman I've ever met. She's from Nicaragua. She has a profound love for each of her senses. Each night, she performs her dinner ritual. She sits at our little table, pours a glass of wine, lights a scented candle (cinnamon or honey rum), and savors a soup or burrito she's made entirely from scratch. Catching her in full sniff — eyes closed, breathing in the lushness of the air — is like catching her mid-orgasm.
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"I don't think I could ever be attracted to a man if I couldn't smell him. Smell is just so...animal. Sex has to be animal."
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I've dreaded telling her about my anosmia, though it explains why she needs an entire pantry for her cookware and I need only a little drawer. I do like food, especially food with interesting textures, and I have a sense of taste. I know my sweet, my bitter, my salty, my sour. It's a sense of flavor I lack. My boyfriend Josh and I once sampled limited-edition, coffee-flavored Kit-Kat bars. He said his was tasty, but I couldn't tell the difference. I sensed the chocolate base, but the flavor of coffee was something only a nose could recognize.
So I should have known that a weekend getaway to wine country wouldn't be my ideal escape. Still, Josh and I have decided to upgrade from Kit-Kats to an extensive tour and tasting. We venture north, escaping the bus-fume-and-briefcase life of San Francisco for a slow, wonderfully drunk day in Napa. Our guide, an old man named Leroy, tilts his cowboy hat back to stick the whole of his nose into the mouth of a goblet, eyeing the dozens of couples staring at him. It's clear we're all novices — none of us has ever thought to sniff a drink before consuming it.
After inhaling deeply, Leroy clears his throat and says, "Everyone, hold your noses and take a drink of your wine!" I don't bother holding my nose, but I watch everyone else as they do. Cruel frowns form as they sip. "Doesn't taste very good, does it?" Leroy barks. "Kinda like stale club soda?" Everyone nods and releases their nostrils, back to sipping flavors in a way I'll never understand.
"What about sex?" Cecilia asked me, as if sex is anything like food. But maybe it is; she's a constant devourer of men. Cecilia doesn't call boyfriends boyfriends. She calls them lovers. "I don't think I could ever be attracted to a man if I couldn't smell him," she says. "Smell is just so…animal. Sex has to be animal."
Is my nose the reason I can't say the word "lover" without irony? I don't think I've ever been animal about anything in my life. Josh tells me I'm too tense in bed. He always encourages me to, "Lose yourself, lose yourself." But I can't — I'm thinking about my abs in the moonlight or the discomfort of his small sweat drops in my eye. In fact, I can't recall a single moment in my life — in bed or otherwise — when I've been swept up, overwhelmed, a little faint or weak in the knees. I can't think of anything. Am I too neurotic, or is it the schnoz?
I do use my senses when it comes to passion: I like to listen to my boyfriend play the guitar, or watch him dance. Smell isn't everything: I love his face, I get lost in his eyes, I revel in the crush of his arms against me. I adore his mind. But when we're on the sofa at night, being lulled to sleep by the blue light of the television, he lays his head on my shoulder and says, "I love the way you smell." The look on his face when he says this is too serene, too sure of itself. It reminds me of the way he drinks his wine now, like he knows something I don't. Like I shouldn't even bother.
I worry about this, as I do about most everything, and speak to my friend Michelle on the phone. She's not from Nicaragua, but Nebraska. She is only mildly lusty. "Does smell really matter?" I ask her. She tells me that she and her boyfriend are "hair smellers." Her boyfriend has started using her shampoo so he can smell her hair, always. "I also love the way he smells above his lips and below his nose. I only ever smell him there when we kiss. I think it must freak him out sometimes when we're kissing and I'm, like, inhaling vehemently."
  
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43 Comments
JCF commented on 01/26Great article, but that one paragraph made me think you were about to stab Josh!
SC commented on 01/26This is the best piece of writing I've read on Hooksexup in a long time. Thoughtful, sexy, and will make me appreciate my wine a lot more now.
Bwr commented on 01/26How odd and fascinating, I think, sitting here with a delicious hot cup of coffee in front of me. Still, her anxiety seems intense, perhaps stemming from something more than just olfactory malfunction.
csm commented on 01/26great piece. something i never even considered! i wonder if other senses become heightened. isn't smell also the strongest connection to memory?
HLv commented on 01/26Dear Hooksexup: We want more of Katie Wudel! As a fellow scentless sufferer, I find myself yearning to experience the "ocean salt, limes, coconut, grapefruit, violets." Cruel! I just know I'm going to be the mother of chain-smoking children who go undetected...
Kel commented on 01/26Love this piece! And I agree with Bwr: I'm sitting here with a fresh cup of coffee, raw sugar on the foam, and wonder would I love it as much if I couldn't smell? (Or, am I just addicted to caffeine?). Such gorgeous writing.
Opp commented on 01/26I'm neurotic about dating and my schnoz works just fine! Wish i had a better excuse. :)
co commented on 01/26Ha. this is great writing. thank the good lord...
man commented on 01/26Best piece on Hooksexup of late. Was seriously giving up on you guys, thought it was just a bunch of 16 year old boys and twitter dick jokes. This was wonderful: interesting, clever, sexy, well written. Thank you.
whee commented on 01/26oh god i loved this. this is why i haven't given up on Hooksexup yet. because once in awhile you guys throw me a bone, like this gorgeous piece.
jgg commented on 01/26Bravo! Lovely.
prp commented on 01/26This really made me think and appreciate my senses; it's so easy to take them for granted. Of course if I never experienced smell would I miss it? Perhaps I'd miss it more if I had it and lost it. This sure made me think!
yelp commented on 01/26Love this piece. The ending especially -- amazing! More of this writer please.
LR commented on 01/26I really enjoyed this piece...my best friend suffers from anosmia as well, so it was doubly interesting. The writer is incredibly talented, and, dare I say, very cute.
DT commented on 01/26I dated an anosmic girl once, it was an experience. She found out about it as a child when she almost let the gas stove in her house explode. When I told her that sex had a smell, she almost had a heart attack, like she might have been blowing her own spot for years without knowing it.
SL commented on 01/26Your Latina roommate is lusty, sensual, sensuous, and a literal man eater who likes animalistic sex. Oh boy. Where do I begin?
JLY commented on 01/26I am a partial anosmic! No one ever believes me that it's a real thing.
TS commented on 01/26Katie - I can relate. I have "onset anosmia", as my naturopath calls it. I lost my sense of smell through years of the most aggressive allergies known to man. My blood allergen levels are about 350x higher than the highest that most "severe" cases show. Anyway, I too know what it's like to live without being able to smell. It drives people crazy when they want to cook me dinner or something and I can't enjoy the part they are enjoying (I love salty food, they are crazy for the aromas). But the benefits have been plentiful. I worked in a manufacturing plant once and a fish-processing plant opened up next door. Everyone else was asking the boss to call the EPA and I was totally oblivious. Granted, I have to do my best guesswork when it comes to hygiene, but at least I have a few great friends that will tell me the truth when I ask... :)
mle commented on 01/26I think I am the opposite of an anosmic. I have an intense olfactory sense and it really bothers me. It has actually lead to end relationships because people are too smelly. This was a very beautiful article.
ad commented on 01/26great piece. i have some of the same neuroses and a functioning olfactory Hooksexup, so it ain't just you, darlin.
cm. commented on 01/26what a fantastic read. whoever edited this should get a raise.
EM commented on 01/26That was very well-written and poignant; a reminder not to take anything for granted. I will say that just as people born blind compensate and live well, so do you, Katie, probably more than people around you acknowledge.
JDT commented on 01/26Beautifully written, fantastic descriptions of the anxiety and neuroses that are only heightened by anosmia.
jt commented on 01/26A fabulous bit of writing. Thank you Hooksexup and thank you Katie!
ELP commented on 01/26beautiful! Super interesting and lovely to read.
FJAT commented on 01/27Gorgeous. A robust read. Truly wonderful.
GT commented on 01/27you need to say f*ck it every now and again. When you realise you can't consider All possible eventualities, realise nothing is entirely under your control. Think of the fear for a little while, and let it excite you, elevating adrenalin levels. Then take a deep breath and just do it, say f*ck it, get on with it and see what happens. You might not be able to control everything, but by doing something, at least you have completed an action. I have problems getting on with things, but it stems from my executive decision making problems because I have ADHD. So Go, live your life! (oh and watch The Notepad, the scene at the crossroads ;) )
LV commented on 01/27very nice! i love my bf's smell and the scent of his cologne-- makes me wanna grab him and make love with him passionately. i agree, sometimes sense of smell is animalistic.
tt commented on 01/27enjoyed reading it! thanks!
mg commented on 01/27wow, this is really something I could never think of. It blows my mind.
hc commented on 01/27really great writing. hope we see more of her.
JPM commented on 01/28Wow. Good writing. Sad story. I'm a noncasual smell gourmand - I love inhaling the scent of every good-looking girl that passes by. I notice the distinctive odors of friends, and find it reassuring. My roommate recently enlightened me to auguring the health of a dog by smelling its ears - they smell faintly sweet when in good health. So sad to think you miss this.
JPM commented on 01/28PS - have you considered seeing a therapist about your anxiety levels? Your tend to overanalyze might be a symptom of GAD.
reb commented on 01/28I think it is and is not the schnoz. I think it's about being in a body that is so unconventional that our experience of the world is fundamentally different from everyone else's — and we're constantly aware of that, checking in, comparing. For me the difference is physical — I was born essentially quadriplegic, with full senses but virtually no strength. And I have struggled with nearly identical anxieties. Ideally, we get to a place where we accept the difference, celebrate it, stop comparing. Then the anxiety will ease.
sng commented on 01/28"For every action I perform, I always have a novel-length monologue about it in my head."... This internal debate is not about smell, but anxiety. It's part of a personality that for some reason lacks confidence. It's an debate that I'm sure many of us have had. As for smell, I lost mine for a week once. When it came back the intensity and scents were improperly calibrated for a few days. Luckily everything went back to normal. Scent is a big part of my life. It identifies places and times; people and their stuff. I'm still amazed when I come upon a new scent. I'm probably not going to discover a new color or a fantastic new sound, but from time to time there are those new and unique smells that introduce themselves.
ER commented on 01/28I totally relate to your roommate. I love the way men smell. I breath deeply and take it all in...
SB commented on 01/29ohh, i don't know what I would do if I couldn't smell, I LOOOVE the smell of my boyfriend, it's one of the little things that makes me love him.
JXM commented on 01/29Look for the benefits. You've never had to suffer from the rudeness of perfumed people. I've gotten a migraine at the movies from sitting next to someone scented. Those fancy restaurant meals? The most delicious flavors can be tainted by the cologne wearing person at the next table. You're missing your sense of smell. But you'd be surprised how many people who can smell, lack sensitivity when it comes to forcing their scent on others. Ask anyone with migraines, asthma, or going through chemotherapy how sickening these smells can be. Meditation could help you enjoy sex more. Instead of thinking about all the senses, try focusing on just one to the exclusion of all others. For instance, concentrate on touch alone and tune out all the others. You might find this is an easier way to lose yourself in the act, and quiet your anxieties.
MHS commented on 01/30Heartbreaking and hilarious--or maybe the other way around. My favorite line: "Am I too neurotic, or is it the schnoz?" You COULD give Woody Allen a run for his money.
PT commented on 02/05Just found this on Google and am in love with this crazy woman. Hilarious and hot.
GGG commented on 02/10I Thought that this article would be enjoyable to those that enjoyed the above article https://www.newscientist.com/article/mg20527464.800-complex-smells-make-food-more-filling.html
Vinn commented on 03/04Not bad at all! Nice, breezy style of writing, and quite interesting insights. (:
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