From the book How to Beat Up Anybody: An Instructional and Inspirational Karate Book, by Judah Friedlander.

It’s important to do charity work and give back to society. That’s why I teach self-defense to strippers. I teach twice a day because I care about strippers twice as much as the regular person does. Being an exotic dancer means you are a woman who is lusted after, constantly desired by men, and always in potential danger. As The World Champion, I have an incredibly busy schedule, but I still make the time to teach karate to strippers for 3 hours a day, twice a day, every day.

This strip club is 30 miles from my 15-bedroom, 60-bathroom apartment. I could run there in 10 minutes. Or I could take my spaceship and get there in 5 seconds. But today I feel like driving my car.

I steer the car without touching the wheel. I use my telekinetic powers to navigate a sharp turn. This is a good way to practice mind control. This is mind over machine.

I always wear my seatbelt. Not for my safety. For the car’s. I’m not strapping myself to the car; the car is strapping itself to me.

The bird shit on my car window guarantees that no one will mess with my car. If a bird shits on my car, it's good luck. Even if I intentionally scared the bird into shitting on my car.

I go over the afternoon’s less on on paper with the girls before we practice. I’ve tailored these drills specifically for them. Karate isn’t all about form and technique. These ladies need to learn the reasons why certain moves are better than others. And they need to be taught what it takes psychologically to become a karate master.

Dancers face different dangers with their tops on than they do topless. The move I’m teaching here is the most effective way for a dancer to deal with a customer who has no patience for her to disrobe, and he erupts into violence while waiting for nudity to occur.

For the first exercise, the girls keep their tops on.

This move only works if the ladies are topless.

If you’re a dancer reading this section, do not try to replicate this move with your top on. You could get hurt. This move is designed to punch out an oncoming attacker as you’re kneeing a 2nd guy in the stomach while choking a 3rd guy whose neck is stuck between the triangular gap that your legs have made. It’s one of the most difficult martial arts moves for a topless dancer to master, yet easy for anyone else.

This move works whether the dancer is topless or not.

We practice elbowing a customer attacking from behind while we kick a second attacker approaching from the front. This move works whether the dancer is topless or not.

I make sure each girl gets the personal attention and coaching that she needs, no matter how long it takes.

Cindy is wearing higher heels than she normally does, so I show her how to properly adjust the angle of her kick . It’s little details like this that make a big difference in a fight.

 

From the book How to Beat Up Anybody: An Instructional and Inspirational Karate Book, by Judah Friedlander. Excerpted Courtesy of It Books. Copyright © 2010

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