Dating Advice From . . . Open-Mic Performers

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Amy, 22

www.amyregan.com

What has performing at nights like this taught you about dating?
You never know what slot you’re gonna get.

Where would you recommend having sex at an open-mic night?

Bar 4 is probably one of the easier open mics, since the bathrooms are a little bit larger.

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The women’s room is a one-person bathroom, so you can lock the door. There’s also a cozy little back couch section that’s kind of private.

I have a tendency to reveal too much on a first date. Where should I draw the line?

You can talk about things that are kind of cute or kind of interesting. Nothing graphic sexually, since the person is probably interested in you and probably doesn’t want to visualize you with someone else at that point. Maybe like a funny first-kiss story.

What makes a good kiss a great one?


How involved the two people are, and how in the moment they are. It’s very natural, and it’s not forced in any way. Do a little tongue, you know. Depending on the person.

I’ve got a new girlfriend, but I still jack off to pictures of my ex. Is that bad?

Yeah. No, that would not be allowed. Like, porn of strangers, everybody does it. But I wouldn’t want any guy looking at an ex-girlfriend.

I have an obscenely large porn collection for a girl. Can I share it with my boyfriend or will that freak him out?
I would think, from the guys I’ve known, that they would probably think it was cool more than anything.

PJ, 22

What makes open-mic performers attractive?

I know I’m attracted to good musicians. I heard once that girls like guitar players because they move their fingers, so that makes sense to me.

What has performing at open-mic nights taught you about dating?

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they perform and the way they talk, so if someone gets up there and is super-pretentious about their music and is really serious about themselves, you should probably stay away from that person. If someone doesn’t have good music but has fun, I think that tells you a lot about their personality. You might want to hang out with that person.

At an open-mic night, what’s the best way to impress your date and/or groupie?

By finding out one of their favorite songs and doing a really good cover of it. If you can pull off a good Boyz II Men cover. . . which I’m working on. I think I’m gonna release that in two weeks, so I’ll let you know. Give me your number and I’ll let you know.

Where can I have sex at an open-mic night?
It’s a very small room. I’m gonna say that’s not gonna happen unless you pitch a tent behind the bar. Literally, not metaphorically.

I have a tendency to reveal too many personal details on a first date. Where should I draw the line?

I’d probably not want someone to go into daddy history. That’s second-date material. I just kind of want to talk about music and good food. I don’t really want to know you yet. I want you to put your good foot forward. Let’s wait two weeks before I start seeing you have a breakdown.

I’m a real boozehound, and the girl I like doesn’t drink. What’s a good casual date I can suggest that isn’t like, "grabbing a drink"?
One of the best dates I ever pulled off was a subway picnic. We got pita and hummus, peanut butter and jelly, and root beer, and rode the 6 train all the way up and down, and if you ride the 6, you go down into City Hall, you go in the loop and you find the hidden subway stop. Pretty good.

Louis, 21

www.myspace.com/tlmonty

What’s the best way to get an open-mic performer in bed?
Just tell them you love them, and say every shit song they sang is the best song you’ve ever heard. And then even if they slagged you off in the song, and they said you’re an absolute willy or whatever, you just say you love it.

What makes open-mic performers good in bed?

They’ve got the rhythm. It’s all about rhythm when you’re doin’ it, is it not? Because if you’ve got the wrong rhythm it’s awkward because you end up banging into each other the wrong way. But if it’s a comical open-mic performer, he’ll tell too many jokes in bed. Too many jokes, you can’t orgasm.

At an open-mic night, what’s the best way to impress your date and/or groupie?

You just want to get some short-sleeve shirts and just get those guns out while you’re playing, you know? You know the guns? I’ve got the guns on me. And you might like to just be really sleazy, and have your fly undone, onstage like oooh, what’s that coming out? They love it. They love it, every single night. Just little things. Maybe just have your top slightly ripped, so you can just see your bosom coming out, or your breast or your six-pack.

Where can I have sex at an open-mic night?
Oh, usually on stage. Yeah, cause then everyone gets involved and starts cheering. I think most people enjoy that kind of thing.

Let’s say I have a tendency to reveal too many details on a first date. Where should I draw the line?
Oh you know, with your name probably, and your age. That’s too personal. Mainly just take off your dress. That’s enough.

Is it bad if a guy jacks off to pictures of his ex?

It depends, if she’s your best friend it’s really good, at least you know your best friend’s getting a bit of that. How many questions have you got?

We’re almost done.
You’re going to make me come in a minute.

Hannah, 25 and Derek, 23

www.myspace.com/hannahintheory

www.myspace.com/dinosaurfeathers

What’s the best way to get an open-mic performer in bed?
Hannah: Get them really drunk and don’t suck at music.

Derek: Praise them inordinately, and then listen to them blather on pretentiously.

What makes open-mic performers good in bed?
D: They’re used to masturbating on stage for other people.

H: An ingrained sense of voyeurism.

What have open-mic nights taught you about dating?
H: Don’t date musicians.

D: Don’t date musicians.

What makes a good kiss a great one?
D: Just enough energy. Not too much.

I’m a real boozehound, and the girl I like doesn’t drink. What’s a casual date I can suggest that isn’t "grabbing a drink"?

H: Bowling! I hate bowling.

Oh, I thought you said boning.
H: That’ll work.

D: I know you don’t like to drink, but do you want to bone?

I’ve been with my boyfriend for six months, and I haven’t come once. Every time I get close, I start over-thinking it and it doesn’t happen. What can I do?

H: Smoke weed, it helps. Get on top.

D: Ummm, think about somebody else.

H: Think about that cute guy at open-mic night.

I have an obscenely large porn collection for a girl. Can I share it with my boyfriend or is he just going to be freaked out?

D: Yes. Share it.

H: It’s a bonding moment. Sharing is caring.

How kinky can you get on a one-night stand?
H: You’re never gonna see them again, why wouldn’t you be kinky?

Can you bring out toys?
H: I don’t see why not.

D: It depends on where they want to go. You gotta feel it out. Feel everything out. And in, actually. And feel yourself.

Interviews by Meghan Pleticha. Dating
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