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Jason, 33
www.themartianconfederacy.com

What dog-training techniques can you also use on people?

People, like animals, love the sound of their own name. If you want to elicit positive feelings from someone, say their name with a smile.

What's a good pickup line for a pit-bull parent?

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"Your dog and I have a lot in common. We both like it on all fours and we both like it rawf!"

What's your favorite summertime date?

When I lived in New York I took dates on gondola boat rides through Central Park. You pay by the half hour and a man in a funny outfit serenades you while he rows. I brought paper, pens and some little booze bottles with me. As we polished off the hooch we would write dirty notes to each other, stuff them into our empties and send them out in the water for other people to discover.

My boyfriend is gorgeous and always gets hit on by other women. How can I not get insecure about all the glances, comments and assgrabs?

People don't usually date very far out of their league, so if women are falling out of windows to get a look at your boyfriend, you're probably not too hard on the eyes yourself. Consider yourself the grand-prize winner of the hot-boyfriend contest.

I'm a cat girl, but I swear I just met my soulmate, who happens to have three big dogs. I won't get rid of my cats, and I would never expect him to part with his pooches. Are we doomed?

I've lived in a couple of cat/dog households without any problems. In fact, in every mixed household I've been in the cats always end up pushing the dogs around. But be forewarned — the animals will piss on everything you own while claiming their territories. Break out the rubber sheets and be patient while the animals work out a system.

I love my partner, but I often fantasize about others when we're having sex. If this isn't a problem for me and he doesn't know about it, is it okay?

Okay? Sometimes it's downright necessary. Look, you're not always going to be hot for the person who's there for you day in and day out. If you occasionally have to pretend he's the recent parolee who bags your groceries, so what? It's a great way for you to let yourself be a complete horndog without hurting anyone.

My date is coming over for a "movie" night. Any advice for what to rent?

Years ago, my hairdresser invited me to bring some movies over to her house. After six months of her rubbing her fake breasts on the top of my head, I thought it was going to be a sure thing. The movies I brought? Requiem for a Dream and Dancer in The Dark. Not only did I not get laid, she stopped cutting my hair.

Elizabeth, 28



What has your pit bull taught you about dating?

There is calm submissive, and there is calm assertive.

My boyfriend and I have two puppies that we got together. Now we're parting ways. I think shared custody is best so the dogs can stay together, but he thinks we should each take a dog. What should we do?

Dogs naturally live in packs. He's being selfish by not even attempting to understand the dogs' world as it pertains to their instincts and experience, and he's acting on his desires alone. This may sound familiar to you?

I love my partner, but I often fantasize about others when we're having sex. If this isn't a problem for me and he doesn't know about it, is it okay?

Most definitely okay! Being monogamous is a choice, but the imagination is balance to that structure.

What's the secret to good cunnilingus?

You have to enjoy it.

My girlfriend and I are going to be staying at my parents house for a week, and she's a screamer. Short of always waiting for them to be out of the house, how can we manage to have sex while we're there?

Down the street, in the car, or challenge her not to scream in exchange for something she really wants.

Sarah, 27
www.sarahfaith.com

My date is coming over for movie night tonight. What should I rent to ensure I get laid?

If someone wants to have sex with you, they're going to do it regardless of what movie you rent. Just brush your teeth, don't wear cheap cologne or perfume, and put some wine out. No war or torture movies, though, and no documentaries about human atrocities.

What's the best way to pick up a pit bull parent?

Be firm yet gentle, with a hint of playfulness. If that doesn't work, use a choke collar.

I love my partner, but I often fantasize about others when we're having sex. If this isn't a problem for me and he doesn't know about it, is it okay?

Even if it's just a one-night stand, I believe in being present when you're fucking. It sounds like you're trying to escape mentally and emotionally. If this is because your sex life isn't all that, have a conversation with your partner about getting your desires met. If it's because you aren't really attracted to them, consider just being friends.

What's the secret to good cunnilingus?

First, don't say cunnilingus. What a turn-off. "Head," to quote Prince, works better and is gender-neutral. Second, there's no "secret" because every pussy wants different things. But a general template is go slow, be intuitive and listen to your partner: her breath, her body language. Warmups like massages help, as does knowing where her clit is.


What has your pit bull taught you about relationships?

I will obey if given special treats.

Amanda, 32
www.pawsitivelypitbull.org

What's the best way to pick up a pit-bull parent?

You know, it's funny. I've never picked up a pit-bull parent. I meet a guy, they don't have a dog, and then I get them to adopt a pit bull.

I'm a cat girl, but I swear I just met my soulmate, who happens to have three big dogs. Are we doomed?

You're not doomed. You just need to practice slow integration and either make the cats love the dogs or the dogs love the cats, or have separate sections of the house and have a fabulous life together.

My girlfriend is the most stubborn person ever. How can I teach her the value of compromise?

The value of compromise is not a lesson learned. Unfortunately, most people, they either know how to compromise, or they don't. If you want to continue having a relationship, you're going to have to accept her as she is.

My date is coming over for movie night tonight. What should I rent to ensure I get laid?

If you want a knight in shining armor, The Princess Bride. If you want a good fuck, Tank Girl.

What's the secret to good cunnilingus?

Enthusiasm!
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