Dating Advice From . . . Thrift-Store Employees

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Joshua Suzanne, 45
www.joshuasuzanne.com

I want to seduce this guy tonight, but I don’t have anything sexy. I’m on a low budget. What sexy items could I find in your store?

I would highly recommend fishnet stockings, a long flannel shirt with a pair of pumps and maybe a little hat just for the fun of it, like a beret, something with a little pompom on the top. Something like that, playful.

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My libido has dropped lately and nothing seems to turn me on. Any suggestions how I can refuel my sex drive before I start popping Viagra?
Take a walk down the streets of New York City, open your eyes and check out all the best-looking girls walking down the street here. If that doesn’t turn you on… are you sure this guy is into girls? Maybe he needs to walk around Chelsea and see if the guys are doing anything.

I’m falling in love with this girl I’m dating, but she’s old enough to be my mother! Should I worry about the age gap?

I date people who are twenty years younger than me. The age difference is really obvious. You aren’t going to hide the fact that there’s an age difference. Can it become a serious thing? Sure. Will there be problems? Absolutely, positively, but if both people can handle it, so be it. When I was twenty-five years old, forty-five-year olds seemed way older than me, because they had all this other stuff going on that I hadn’t experienced yet. Now, someone who’s twenty-five, sure, they’re way younger than I am, but I don’t see as much of a gap as they do. The younger person has more of an issue than the older person in that situation.

I hate when a guy eats me out then ask me to go down on him. Is refusing to return the favor bad etiquette?

That’s not always a given. Are they even good at going down on you? If they don’t know what they’re doing, why reciprocate? I’ve literally said to people, "You can stop now." What’s the point? I’m not going to fake it. I’m more than willing to teach. It’s a woman’s responsibility to tell men what they like, because men have no clue. Guys really want to know how to please women, and it’s a tragedy that women allow men to think they’re pleasing them when they’re not! That guy is going to go to the next girl and think he knows what he’s doing, and before you know it he has a bad reputation and he doesn’t know why. He thought he was a Casanova, and he’s turned out to be nothing but Joe the Plumber.

What makes thrift-store employees sexier than regular salespeople?
We’re all one-of-a-kind. Everything’s a one-of-a-kind piece. And everything in the store is used, including the workers themselves, so you always know you’re getting personality and history. When you take a thrift-store employee out to dinner, she’s going to be fabbed out and looking special and different than everyone else in the room, while the retail employee is going to dress like every other girl. Like the mall. You don’t want that.

How can you seduce one?
Impress them with your vintage knowledge. Say, "Do you have any Gabardine shirts?" Start talking thrift with them: "I just love that brushed cotton from the ’70s," or "I love flammable clothing." You know it’s from the ’70s if you even think about a cigarette and the thing catches on fire. That would be part of it. But I guess if you’re my type and you look at me with those googly bedroom eyes, you’ve got me.

Can owning a thrift store teach us anything about dating and relationships?
Absolutely. I can tell what type of lover you are by the way you handle your clothing. If you’re pulling out clothes and not even looking at them, you’re a messy lover. You’re not even conscious of the person that you’re with. If you’re very gentle with the clothes, looking at the pieces, not rushing and not pulling and not messing everything up, you’re probably a pretty conscious lover. A great lover is very conscious about what they have wrapped around them.

Urnia, 21

www.CureThriftShop.com

I want to seduce this guy tonight, but I don’t have anything sexy. I’m on a low budget. What sexy items could I find in your store?
We do have a devil’s tail.

I’m falling in love with this girl I’m dating, but she’s old enough to be my mother! Should I worry about the age gap?

Age really shouldn’t matter. But if you’re not comfortable, it doesn’t make any sense to continue on a relationship. So no, if you want to, step back.

I’m sleeping with this guy who can’t stop sticking his fingers in my ass during foreplay, no matter how many times I push his hand away. How can I tell him to stop doing that without ruining his ego?

That’s like anal rape! If I told you no in the first place, don’t put your finger up my ass! It’s not about his ego. No is no. If I don’t want you to, don’t do it! You have to respect me. If he doesn’t respect you, you shouldn’t be having sex in the first place.

I hate when a guy eats me out then ask me to go down on him. Is refusing to return the favor bad etiquette?

No, unless you demanded he go down on you. If you didn’t, he did you a favor and that’s it! It’s not bad etiquette.

What makes thrift-store employees sexier than regular salespeople?

My boss Liz is extra-hot. She’s feisty, she’s demanding, she knows how she wants things run. If she could be a sex symbol, she’d be a dominatrix or something.

How can you seduce one?
Buy something ridiculous. Buy the devil’s tail!

Drew, 23

www.yelp.com/biz/metropolis-apparel-new-york

My girlfriend said she loved me for the first time the other day. I really like my girlfriend, but I feel saying “I love you” would be forced. I want to stay in this relationship but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. How should I bring this up?

It’s not very good to fake it. Just say you’re not ready yet.

I hate when a guy eats me out then ask me to go down on him. Is refusing to return the favor bad etiquette?

Yeah, I think so. I mean, eye for an eye, head for head!

What makes thrift-store employees sexier than regular salespeople? What’s the key to getting them in the sack?

Huge penises. We all have huge penises.

Can working in a thrift store teach you anything about dating and relationships?

With girls coming in and out all the time, it’s easier not to get hung up on anybody. If you piss me off today, someone else will come in tomorrow, and it doesn’t matter.

What are some good words to use during sex? What words should be avoided?

Anything goes, as long as you’re not talking about real estate or something. Obviously.

Justin, 22

www.CureThriftShop.com

I want to seduce this guy tonight, but I don’t have anything sexy. I’m on a low budget. What sexy items could I find in your store?
This Victorian cocktail dress. It’s a perfect thing to use after a funeral if you want to spice things up with your boyfriend.

I’m sleeping with this guy who can’t stop sticking his fingers in my ass during foreplay, no matter how many times I push his hand away. How can I tell him to stop doing that without ruining his ego?

If I were a girl, I’d turn the table on him and see if he liked things being stuck in his ass. If you show what appears to be a genuine interest in inserting things into his ass, I bet he’d kind of back off inserting things in your ass.

It’s my first anniversary with my girlfriend tomorrow and I want to do something special. Any suggestions?

I’m a crafts person. I make things for the people I care a lot about, so I suggest making something that you can share with this person. One time, I built my girlfriend a bicycle. You could go ride bicycles together. Think of something that will evoke memories and that ultimately is going to lead to some kind of intimacy later on.

What makes thrift-store employees sexier than regular salespeople? What’s the key to getting them in the sack?

We all have an eye for a diamond in the rough. We pick up on small details and small things. The key to getting a thrift-store worker in the sack is not to say "Oh, wow, this is vintage," but to be a bit more discerning in your purchases and to have a bit more of an imagination. If you come up to the register and have this unconventional idea, we’re going to be interested in you and most likely continue talking to you.

Can owning a thrift store teach us anything about dating and relationships?

There’s work involved with anything. When you buy something from a thrift store, it’s not pristine, it’s not perfect. You need a stain removed or a rip mended or sewn or reupholstered. And with a relationship, you’re going to change no matter what, so keeping that in mind you’re going to have to work will ultimately apply to a relationship.

What are some good words to use during sex? What words should be avoided?

No baby talk. No baby talk whatsoever.

Interviews by Bianca Merbaum. Dating
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