Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
To paraphrase the late, great Bob Ross, “There are no mistakes, only happy accidents.” Take the befroed PBS master’s words to heart, as the weekend’s full moon springs a sexy surprise on you. What will it be? A fawning drunk dial from a woebegone ex? Bold new experiments in road-head? Picture a Kinder Egg filled with profound erotic fulfillment instead of an easily swallowable toy. Also, play safe — you may be Mommy’s happy accident, but let’s not make this a trend, capisce?
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Remember: Rome wasn’t built in a day. This should comfort you as you reflect on your career. But whereas the Roman state's founding involved she-wolf suckling, woodpecker tonguing, and some other myths that read like an NC-17 rated cut of Dr. Dolittle, your climb to the top will be way less exciting. Nonetheless, Friday’s full moon bodes well for any long-term projects, so get diligent and feel lucky that you don’t have to make out with any woodpeckers. Unless that is your job. Your dental bill must be astronomical.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
This zodiac smiles on travel this week, so cancel all social obligations and get your wanderlust fix. Trekking by the seat of your pants opens you to meeting nubile new vacation buddies. Embrace hitchhiking, hostels, and other fixtures of modern horror cinema. Don’t worry: The probability of running into that escaped convict with the hook hand is infinitesimal if you are that escaped convict with the hook hand. Woooooh.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Jupiter will enhance Thursday’s full moon, making it sweeps week in your domestic life. Before you hunker down with a bowl of Jiffy-Pop, realize that you’re no spectator here. Brace yourself for the resolution of prior story arcs (“Sure, you can display your Meiji-era gay erotica collection in the foyer.”), new plot twists (“Turns out I don’t love you. My bad.”), and special guest stars (“Henry Winkler! What are you doing here?”).
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Geminis may be going far with strangers, but you Leos get the short end of the stick. You’re hitting the road with the old ball-and-chain. Never fear — Jupiter and the Sun are your travel agents Friday. They want to ensure that you and your loved one have an unforgettable trip to a moderately-priced destination within a forty-five minute radius of your household. Why not sojourn at a state park? You and your mate can stroll through romantic tableaus normally reserved for greeting cards and tampon commercials.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
This weekend’s full moon amplifies the status quo with gusto. If life is going good, expect further improvements (i.e., the Dadaist majesty of Van Halen's video for their cover of “Pretty Woman”). If everything’s at an even keel, anticipate more of the same (the video for “Panama” wasn’t their best or worst). If things are going lousy, get ready for disaster (See: their famously botched 2007 live performance of “Jump”; Sammy Hagar).
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Commander Riker from Star Trek: The Next Generation once said, “Luck protects fools, small children and ships named Enterprise.” It appears you fall into one of those three categories, Libra, because Jupiter and Neptune are affecting this week’s full moon, creating a groundswell of optimism and good fortune in your life. None of those things are really capable of reading and comprehending horoscopes, though, so I’m left to conclude that there has never been anyone born under the sign of Libra. Ever. Trek never lies.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
The call is coming from inside your house of mystery, Scorpio! It’s Thursday’s full moon affecting your inspiration. Perhaps now is the time to put your money where your mouth is and finally get to work on the detective novel that’s going to put your kids through college. If you don’t finish the first one, you’ll never get to the innumerable and lackluster sequels or the eventual B-minus movie starring Matt Damon or Denzel Washington. Go forth, Scorpio, for the good of dads and airport patrons everywhere!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Mars and Uranus will be very close to each other this weekend, bringing the unexpected and potentially unfortunate to the forefront. Remember that Twilight Zone episode where the clown, dancer and soldier are trapped in a cylindrical room, trying again and again to escape until it’s revealed that they’re just dolls in a toy collection? Hopefully that doesn’t happen to you, but if it does, it’ll be over by Sunday.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
We live in a complicated world, and things are often not what they seem. Consider the terrifying green Kool-Aid that turns blue when water is added. It tastes like cherry. This week will be a good one for your home life, but Jupiter — the planet of luck — often masquerades good news with bad. It’s a lot like the Rolling Stones said: “You can’t always get what you want/but if you try sometimes/you just might find/you get what you need/also/drugs are a good idea/and Mars Bars are wonderful sex toys.”
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
On Friday, the Sun and Jupiter will be waltzing about the solar system together, causing a work superior to lend you a much-needed hand. Your boss wouldn’t be caught dead in the trenches, but maybe he’ll give you a nod in the hallway or turn a blind eye next time you knock off five minutes early. A little consideration goes a long way, or so says the management book he got on clearance at Borders last weekend.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Mars has been keeping you down for days now, but this week’s full moon will fill you with authoritative powers. After decades of referring to Bruce Springsteen as The Boss, it’s understandable why you think lording over others would earn your peers’ respect and adoration. Unfortunately, the only remotely likable non-musical authority figures in the history of the world are Doc Holliday and Gandhi, so you’ve got some pretty big shoes to fill.
