Cheaters Sometimes Win
A sociologist discusses what makes pro-athletes stray, and why we forgive
them.
by Kai Ma
April 12, 2007
During a 2003 news conference, Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant admitted to committing adultery with a Colorado teenager who accused him of sexual assault. Bryant's wife, Vanessa, leaped to his defense. "He is a loving and kind husband and father," she said. "I will give him all the strength and support he needs . . . I will not let him face these accusations alone."
Her selfless stance baffled viewers (though the $4 million rock that soon appeared on her hand helped explain things). Steven Ortiz, a professor of sociology at Oregon State University, says the wives of high-profile athletes survive only by normalizing the stressors of their unique marriages: long-term absences, predatory groupies and the constant prospect of infidelity. Ortiz spent four years interviewing the wives of forty-seven professional football, baseball, basketball and hockey players to find out how they cope. A former athlete and coach himself, he spoke to Hooksexup about the culture of permissiveness in professional sports. — Kai Ma
Why are athletes so susceptible to the urge to cheat on their wives and girlfriends?
Spoiled-athlete syndrome begins early in sports socialization. From the time they could be picked out of a lineup because of their exceptional athletic ability, they've been pampered and catered to by coaches, classmates, teammates, family members and partners. As they get older, this becomes a pattern. Because they're spoiled, they feel they aren't accountable for their behaviors off the field. They're so used to people looking the other way.
Is it generally true that what happens on the road, stays on the road?
When a wife travels with her husband and the team, there is a code of conduct that you're supposed to follow. What you see on the road is not discussed when you're off the road. When you're traveling with the team, you don't go into the hotel bar where the team is staying. I naively used to think this was because the guys are hanging out, bonding. And the wives said no, it's because that's where many of the married players meet other women, and they don't want the families or the wives to observe this kind of activity. So the wives wouldn't go into the bar because it could jeopardize the status of their husband on the team, and his teammates might say to him, "Can't you control your wife?"
Do any of the players ever challenge this code of conduct?
Even if a player doesn't agree, the last thing he wants to do is challenge the older players, especially as a marginal player or a rookie. One of the wives told me that after a game, she was going back to the hotel, and as she walked into the elevator, there was a teammate there with a woman who was not his wife. She made the decision to go ahead and ride up on the elevator — but now, according to this code of conduct, she was in a situation that she wasn't supposed to be in. So she looked the other way, and pretended she didn't know him. She looked into the corner of the elevator, almost making herself invisible. The next day, her husband was confronted by his teammate, saying, "Are you going to make sure your wife doesn't say anything?" The husband said, "No problem." Now this particular husband could've taken a stand and said, "Look, my marriage is more important than my career. She will say anything she wants to say." But because of peer-group pressure, team loyalty may be more highly valued than marital loyalty.
So even the wives have a role in supporting this culture of infidelity?
Yes, because of their compliance with this code of conduct, the wives are actually a part of something they don't want to be a part of. This is why some of the wives stopped going on road trips. Ignorance is bliss.
How do the wives learn to deal with all this?
They see their role in this kind of marriage as a supportive role. They would feel guilty if they were to question it. In career-dominated marriages, it's the husband's career that comes first. There is an implicit unspoken agreement that the wife will focus on the family and childrearing, and make it possible for him to focus on his career almost exclusively. These characteristics exist in other career-dominated marriages with politicians, corporate executives, military servicemen,physicians, and so on. In the male-dominated work world, women often have second-class status as colleagues and partners.
Do pro athletes and their wives have mediocre sex lives?
The sexual relationship does suffer because of the demands of the game. In the NFL the body goes through so much. You play in pain, and after the game is over, you're tired and bruised. One wife told me that early in her marriage, her husband got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. She looked over and he was hunched over like an old man.
You once said that women married to pro athletes are "invisible wives." How does a wife of a celebrity remain in the shadows?
These women illustrate the clichˇ that behind every successful man stands a woman. If we accept that premise, then these women are invisible in the public eye because they're doing the behind-the-scenes labor that contributes to their husband's career, but they're not formally recognized or paid for that labor.
But the wives of pro athletes are known to getting into cat fights, marrying for money and posing nude for magazine spreads. Do they really have it that bad?
These women are often stereotyped as being trophy wives and arm candy, but they're quite the opposite. They're very strong. And in many ways, the husbands expect the wives to be resilient and adaptable. For the wives in my study, money was not an issue.
What are the different types of groupies?
Groupie is a male term. It's used primarily by men describing women who are interested in professional athletes. The wives use the terms as well, but they had other, more descriptive terms for these women.
Such as?
It would devalue women to repeat them, so I probably shouldn't say, but they have some stronger terms for these particular women.
How do the groupies work?
Going by [the wives'] vernacular, a highly visible groupie makes herself available to the men, is dressed provocatively and is usually in her twenties. Invisible groupies — a group that the wives refer to as the "grandma groupies" — are middle-aged women who greet the players when they get off the plane, buy things for the children of the families and bring in baked goods. They'll be flirtatious to these men, thinking that the wives won't feel threatened because they're older. Then there are wives' groupies — women who usually hold season tickets, and try to sit next to the wives' section. They develop a friendship with the wives, and once they establish that friendship, they'll try to exploit the wife and that friendship in terms of trying to meet the players of the team. The wife might invite this woman to a team function and introduce her to the players, because she's na•ve and doesn't realize she's being used.
Are husbands ever tempted right in front of their wives?
One wife was on a cruise with her husband, and a woman asked her husband if he would father her child. The wife was livid. But when the wives are in public situations, they have to be careful about their behavior. They don't want to be labeled as possessive or out of control. For these women, marital socialization — the process of becoming a husband or a wife — involves an unwritten book of rules. One of the cardinal rules is to never do anything in public that would negatively reflect the husband or the team organization that he represents — which is much like the wife of a politician or clergy person. You can't lose it emotionally in public. But the husbands don't discourage this interest. They'll try to minimize it by saying, "You're overreacting. She just wanted my autograph. She's just really interested in the team."
Who else stands in the way?
The mother-in-law. In the sports marriage, the career comes first, often the mother-in-law comes second, sometimes his teammates come third, and then the wife comes fourth. Often when the wife meets the mother-in-law, the mother-in-law makes it very clear where the wife stands. One wife told me when she met her mother-in-law for the first time, she said, "Oh, very nice to meet you. Where did you meet my son? In a bar? Do you always hang out at bars?"
Do older wives take rookie wives under their wings?
Older wives show younger wives the ropes, and teach them how to dress. They'll say, "You're in the National Football League now. You don't drink beer and you can't wear hole-y jeans. You're not in college anymore. You're in the NFL." n°
©2007 Kai Ma and hooksexup.com