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Emojipedia reports that we are on the cusp of more than 250 new emoji. As soon as July, we will have access to a whole new odyssey of tiny pictograms, and with them, a whole new odyssey of possible thoughts. The eggplant and the pizza slice and the dancing cat girl twins have served us well, but they cannot convey everything. In a matter of weeks (or whenever Apple and Microsoft and Google actually get around to adding them to their OSes), we will have snowcapped mountains, a middle finger (at last!), a notched right semicircle with three dots. Digital communication will never be the same. And by digital communication, we mean sexting.
Without having ever actually seen them — the icons are not yet available — let’s predict how we can sext with them. (You have till July to talk yourself out of it.)
Put your [Lips] on my [Joystick] and [Candle]. (Simple. Direct. Blow jobs.)
Can you pick up some [Oil Drum]? (Because oil drums are like lube? Get it?)
[Motor Boat] (Because… I’m sorry.)
Do I make you [Increase Font Size Symbol]? (Tumescent. I make you tumescent.)
I [Waving White Flag] to your requests to sleep with me. (Only use if you want to!)
I want the [Old Key] to your [Ballot Box]. (Let’s have sexual intercourse. Alternately, let’s rig an election.)
I will [Shield] you from the [Cloud With Rain]. (I will protect you from hurt and inclement weather.)
You’re a [Hot Pepper]. (You are hot.)
You made me call [Oncoming Fire Engine]. (You are so hot you made me call the fire department.)
Would you ever have a [Three Networked Computers]? (Mac Mac Windows? Windows Windows Mac?)
Am I just another number in your little [Black Folder]? (Am I, though?)
I would cross the [World Map] for you. I would go and bring you the [Moon]. For you, I [Reversed Thumbs Up Sign]. (I love you, and travel.)
Don’t [Wastebasket] everything we’ve built together. (Desperate times call for desperate emoji.)
You wanna touch these [Control Knobs]? (Knobs are like breasts. Or multiple penises. I don’t know.)
Want to see a [Frame With Picture] of my [Upwards Rocket]? (This will be clear, unless you are a man and also an astronaut. Then it will be confusing.)
These are, obviously, just a tiny sampling of the possibilities. We didn’t even begin to explore the romantic and sexual connotations of [Telephone On Top Of Modem] yet.
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