Man, do I feel bad for the copywriter at Biosilo Foods. I've written ad copy for the worst of them, but can you imagine writing this whopper:
Biosilo Foods is a young, progressive company that is set out to transform the food and beverage industry. With revolutionary innovation as the prime directive, Biosilo Foods is building a portfolio of new food and beverage categories.
Ugh. How soul crushing must that brand management meeting have been. So, Biosilo has a new product offering called Gamer Grub. It's a snack for h4rdc0re gamers, ergonomically designed so you don't spill Cheeto dust all over your man-boobs (Gamer Joke!). I'm grubbin' it!
Action Pizza! Racing Wasabi! Strategy Chocolate! Sports PB&J! What, no Survival Horror Strawberry? No Cool Ranch Dating Sim?
Designed for hungry gamers who want to continue playing games while consuming snacks, Gamer Grub is a great tasting, healthy line of performance snacks. With a patent-pending design to support cognitive functions, gamers will have the opportunity to think faster and win more. Gamer Grub is formulated to boost your brain and speed reaction times for maximum gaming performance.
Patent-pending design, folks. What will the brainiacs over at Biosilo come up with next? You simply must visit their website, a treasure trove of pandering ad-speak and pseudo-science. Speaking of which, be sure to check out the "Science" tab, which attempts to convince potential buyers that their snacks will somehow improve gaming performance. For example, check out the site's explanation of Vitamin A:
Visual data signals produced by the conversion of light into Hooksexup impulses in the eye are highly dependent on Vitamin A. These Hooksexup signals are then transmitted to your wetware’s CPU (a.k.a. brain) for translation into biological image formats.
After putting that monstrosity up on the screen, Biosilo's copywriter went home and shot his dog. True story.
Also, Vitamin E is like a firewall to protect you from free radicals, aka Spam. Kill me.
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