Oh the slutty joy, the hair-ripping pain, the French strippers and the tears! Yes, last night Vh1 aired their Rock of Love 2 reunion show. It’s hard to beat the Rock of Love 2 finale, but they tried. It’s also hard to pick just one, perfect, herpes-flavored best-of moment. Was it when Heather tried to rip Daisy’s extensions out of her hair? Or right before that, when Daisy called Heather “Steve Nicks”? Or when Peyton sang onstage?
Okay, it definitely wasn’t when Peyton sang.
It might have been when Angelique forced herself on Bret’s lap. The now-retired stripper (and her self-proclaimed “Barbie ass”) was the first lady invited onstage with Bret and host Ricky Rachman. She told the sad tale of why she had to stop stripping after the show:
“It’z kind a zad I stopped dancing kauz I love to be a streeper and I really like — I like to be naked and everyzing. I had to retire bekauz everybody vant to just hang out wit me kauz zay saw me on tv, and it dozn’t work zis way vhen you are a danca. But I wood like tu do my lass danz fer you Brut.”
Then she crossed the stage, presumably flashing some sort of labial lusciousness, which resulted in Destiney making this face:
…and then Angelique gave Bret a lap dance, while he screamed for someone to please God put on some music.
Rock and roll! See Angelique’s lap dance right here, baby.
Next up was Destiney, who looked good. I mean, well-rested and glowing. Despite the sad fact that her father had just passed away, Ricky and Bret tried to get Destiney to admit that she is a psycho-groupie who wants to sleep with Bret because he’s the lead singer of Poison, and not just a psycho-girl who wants to sleep with Bret because he’s on TV.
Harsh. However, it was the beginning of Ricky being both the hard-ass voice of reason, making air quotes with his hands…and the genesis of me thinking he should host every reunion show. Ever. On Vh1. And across the galaxy.
Because then came Kristy Joe, the woman who went on Rock of Love 2 while still married. (I’m choosing to ignore the ridiculous Kristy Joe-Aubrey montage which implied that the two were lovers, followed by Bret’s ridiculous attempts to pretend he thinks it’s hot.) And Ricky totally called out Kristy Jo…and Bret!...and their gloriously effed-up “relationship”:
“I’m going to get everybody to hate me now, but it looked like the typical rock star girlfriend, that here you are – going after a girl that isn’t one hundred percent available – and there’s a lot of drama there, and maybe a little bit of psycho – and you want that because she doesn’t want you one hundred percent, and it’s going back and forth, and then there’s just so many issues…that you say, ‘You know what? I’m gonna cancel the subscription, I don’t want any more issues!’”
Which resulted in Kristy Jo rolling her eyes and trying to make her bullshit smell like Issey Miyake. Didn't work:
And then they brought the whirlwind force that is Heather onstage. The producers oh-so-shrewdly sat Heather right next to Daisy, her arch-enemy in blonde diva stripperness. Daisy revealed that she and Bret slept together the night before he eliminated her ass from the show:
“This is really frickin’ important to me. As a girl, being vulnerable, at the end of the night, that last night, you could have just said to me, ‘Hey, let’s cuddle, and just spend the rest of the time together.’ [audience laughter] But Instead, I felt like you were taking advantage of me and taking advantage of my vulnerability and my feelings. And you ultimately sealed the deal.”
Bret proclaimed: “I’m just a man, dammit!”
Daisy countered with: “I’m not just some chick that he can just sleep with."
Which resulted in Heather snapping: “Well you shouldn’t act like that!”
When ended in: hot, enlightened, chick fight! See it all here.
I was most impressed with Heather’s fighting technique. After pulling the hair, firmly grip the extensions/weave in Fist A. Then beat Fist B on the outstretched hair, trying to rip it from its roots. There’s nothing that makes me prouder to be a woman than watching one woman follicularly assault her sister. Gloria Steinham would be so frickin’ happy.
And then came the lucky winner of Bret's heart (and any vestigial VDs): Ambre. Oh, Ambre – what have you done to me? What will my life be like, now that Bret has found his Rock of Love (and Lust, and Like)? You’re too good, too normal…I can only pray it won’t last, and that not only will next year bring Rock of Love 3, but also your own looking-for-love spin-off. I’m going to go out on a limb and call it Ambre Alert! We’ll see what happens.
But in the meantime, at least the girl got rid of the black undergrowth in her hair. She looks light-years better with the all-blond glow. And Bret appears…smitten! Truly smitten (never mind that in an outtake he bemoaned the fact that Heather had so pissed off Daisy, that Daisy wouldn’t f*ck him).
I mean, the dude was lovingly stroking Ambre’s shoulder while she talked about fate and kismet and their special journey.
Stroking. Her. Shoulder. Like newlyweds. Really old, annoying newlyweds.
Turns out that, although the couple weren’t technically supposed to see each other post-filming, Bret snuck Ambre on his tour bus (for “a little boom boom”) when he visited her in Chicago.
Why might it all work out? Ambre says seeing all his lady fans hit on Bret “kinda turned” her on.
Maybe she and Bret are meant to be.
We’ll see which way the wind blows. But seriously: Ambre Alert. Can’t you just see it now?