Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Brace yourself. You're in for a bigger scare than James Frey waking up in Oprah's basement. What goes up must come down, and the lucky streak you surfed last week is about to dwindle to a few shallows. Slice yourself some humble pie and avoid confrontation. Pluto's alignment with Mercury will bring confusion into your cranium, and let's face it, you don't want to have to explain why you're nursing someone else's baby.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Leo, lately have you been feeling as skillful as Mitt Romney on a sketch comedy show? Things are about to turn around, but Venus's arrival in your fourth house signals that you need to avoid competitive settings. Take some "me" time and take care of those deep childhood wounds that have been plaguing you. Look through those old family photos — find that one of your dad drunk, bare-assed and passed out on the lawn on the Fourth of July, 1993. Scan that baby and forward it to his coworkers — he'll regret not getting you that Sega Genesis for Christmas when you were twelve.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Have you recently engaged in a pregnancy pact or become uncontrollably paranoid that your unborn daughter will one day join one? Like a summer flu, it's going around, and so it's time to venture to a place with a nice ocean breeze and not enough people you know to even fathom the idea of raising children in commune. That's right — it's travel time, and though gas prices are high, [insert whatever airline pays us the most money] has some great deals so you can take advantage of the sun's arrival in your travel sector.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
If you're still feeling a bit woozy from the weekend, Libra, don't worry — this week Mars will help you face the world after a few nights of losing your dignity in public. Get a blanket, find yourself some strong iced coffee, and hit the park or the beach. We know that sometimes all you want to do is sit home and watch Bravo until you pass out on the couch, but if you get the energy to tear yourself away and endure a little bit of nature, we promise it won't kill you. And just think of all the people you can meet — hot lifeguards, sexy dog-walkers, cute hippies who practice slack-rope walking all day. There are some things TV just can't beat.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
We all know that spontaneity is a pretty great thing to have in a relationship (quickie in the coat room, anyone?), but this week we want you to try a different tactic, Scorpio – plan something. Yes, it may take a bit of work, but no one likes a deadbeat. When Venus moves into Cancer, your significant other will be looking for something a little bit more than a fun night at a bar. If you’re really hard pressed to get some ideas, why not take a tip from the movies? Use your home office for an elaborately detailed reenactment of Secretary or pack up a tent for some Brokeback Mountain fun. It’s sure to be a big hit.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
At the start of July, Venus is in your eighth house, Sagittarius, and when you combine that with the new moon you have powerful mojo going for you. Your powers of speech could inspire more tears of joy than an Obama rally, but maybe you should set your sights a bit lower than the presidency. If you spot that guy you’ve had your eye on for a while, suck it up and go talk to him — there won’t be any stammering or awkward pauses when you ask him to join you for a drink. And if you think that’s impressive, wait until you unleash those linguistic abilities when you get back to his place. Try not to wake the neighbors.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Memories of high school will rear their bittersweet heads as Venus and Jupiter match off like ‘roid-raging varsity athletes. We're talking that fish-out-of-water, you-against-the-world, Lisa-versus-the-other-Top Chef contestants feeling. Be prepared for a blah party or two, and possibly a lonely-bicycle-ride montage exposing the corrupt roots of society. Still, don't just lock your door and listen to Hüsker Dü all week: it's never going to be this easy to fall in with an eccentric group of lovable misfits, or to completely change your image by donning a leather jacket and getting a rebellious haircut.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
The Fourth of July might not seem like the best holiday for hookups, but with a little help from Mercury and Uranus, anything's possible. Even if you're not the patriotic sort, you may find that a flag-lapel pin works more magic than the proverbial jelly bracelet. Just be open to the opportunities that pop up, however unexpected: all those sky rockets in flight could equal afternoon delight, coffee-break delight, running-to-the-supermarket-before-bed delight — you name it.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
You have a tendency to over think the goodies in your life, but the new moon this week is like a black AmEx card combined with some kind of weird tiger-penis aphrodisiac for you. Just let the Vegas-style material excess and high-roller sex happen, and don't ask too many questions. Economical soul that you are, you may be tempted to combine the two and invest in a Real Doll, but our forecasts show that contraception will have a much higher IRR. Oh, and save the remorse for your E! True Hollywood Story exclusive.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Has that artistic bug snuck inside you and started to feel good in a guilty, morally questionable way? With Uranus and Pluto in Gemini, you'll be ready for a start-of-the-month artistic spurt. But beware and stick to what you know. Many horrors to western culture have begun by misinterpreting this sign: Madonna's children's books, William Shatner's rendition of "Rocketman," John Goodman's foray into porn. (Okay, maybe we only dreamed of that one.)
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Lately, your friends have been calling you "Smokey the Skiing Fish," and when you sober up, you'll realize that a tri-drug nickname isn't necessarily a compliment. Still, if Lindsay Lohan has taught us one thing, it's this: as long as you're willing to take off your clothes for money occasionally and stay away from fireworks, substance abuse is not really that dangerous. This lesson is very important for you this Fourth of July weekend, when Venus's entrance in your seventh house signals accidental danger. So arm yourself with condoms, a dollar-bill satchel and fire-retardant clothes as you soldier out this weekend. We know we can't lock you up, so you might as well be prepared.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
For some reason (the war, John Mellencamp, the fair and balanced reporting at Fox News) you've become as suspicious of patriots as you are of Jehovah's Witnesses. Let your guard down this holiday weekend. The end of Mercury's retrograde means that the love spark will return to your life, and it looks to be an America-lover that you'll saddle up to. Tell him your name is Liberty and find his statue — just make sure it isn't green.
