Q: Why do graffiti artists make good lovers? A: They don’t, unless your turn-ons include bailing your boyfriend out of jail a lot.
Claw Money
What makes sleeping with a graffiti artist great?
Well, everyone likes a bad boy/bad girl and there is an air of danger there — like maybe waking up and noticing your fridge has been emptied and vandalized.
Are graffiti artists more daring in bed?
Yes, way more daring. After all, we are adrenaline junkies. We might want to fuck on the fire escape of a random building or in a commercial truck lot — anywhere there is an element of peril. We can also probably can do it all night long, because we have no jobs to go in the morning.
Do you ever bring your work into the bedroom?
Nothing like a can of Krylon to spice things up! No seriously, I scrub my hands to make sure that I am not leaving poisonous paint residue on extremely sensitive body parts — and I would expect the same from my partner.
Are you generally attracted to other artists, or do you look outside of your field?
I have dated both people in and out of my field — and I happen to be married to a former graffiti writer. The truth is that no one can really understand the thrill and the experience of writing graffiti better than another writer. That right there gives you so much in common that other civilians couldn't possibly understand.
My girlfriend's parents look at me as a deadbeat because I'm working a part-time job while trying to make my art happen. She's been super-cool about it, but I'm starting to worry that it might be wearing on her. What should I do about this kind of pressure in our relationship?
I would just be the best boyfriend you can be. Cook and clean. Paint her name on the streets; fuck her just right. Then she will not care about the conventional gender roles that her parents are so keen on.
Is there any tactful way to initiate the idea of anal with my girlfriend? I've had quite a few people tell me "just go for it," but I think that could only end poorly.
Just tell her you are dying to do her up the butt. Of course, lavish her with compliments and ply her with liquor first. Then, obviously, ask before you stick and move.
I tend to take the Bill Clinton "anything shy of penetration is not intercourse" towards cheating, but I know a lot of people that don't feel the same way. Am I being a dick?
Yes, you are a cheater. Does your partner have the same Bill Clinton attitude? In the end, you have to live with yourself and your actions. If you can do it without a pang of guilt, then keep going.
My girlfriend and I are both serious artists, but I think her work is terrible — and she wants to collaborate, try and put an exhibition together, the whole bit. I really like her a lot and the relationship's great, but I think that if I tell her how I really feel, it'll tank things. What should I do?
How can you be with someone who ultimately you don't respect, and who makes horrible art on top of that? That is the real question. No, you can't tell her flat out, “You have no talent and need to slap your college drawing professor in the face,” but you need to encourage her to do better. "I think you are really gifted at drawing feathers. Why don't you do that more?" and shit like that. But don't have a show with her or even date her — both are a bad look!
Priest
What makes sleeping with a graffiti artist great?
Because we always invoke that “How'd he do that?” sense of awe.
Are graffiti artists more daring in bed?
Depends on the writer. Some guys have a marker in their pocket; I've got a fire extinguisher filled with two gallons of Blaze of Glory Red, if that makes sense.
Does someone’s skill at graffiti make them more attractive or compensate for deficiencies in other areas?
Being a good graffiti artist will not make up for any shortcomings — unless your turn-ons include sleeping alone between midnight and 5 a.m., bailing your boyfriend out of jail, and acting as a watch-out every time you two walk down a street together. But for my sake, I hope it does.
I've always wanted to make my girlfriend some kind of art piece as a present, but I'm a little worried it'll come off as cheap. Thoughts?
If you love her, spray it somewhere on her route to work. The bigger the better. If you get nicked, you can always claim you're Banksy and thousands of people will come and take their pictures in front of your piece. Then someone will cut it off the wall with angle grinders and sell her name for millions. Who's cheap now?
I secretly creep the Craigslist 'casual encounters' section behind my girlfriend's back. At first it started out as just a fantasy, but I've been contacting people and moving steps closer to consummating the thing every time. Is this innocent as long as I don't actually do anything or is it a bad sign?
Wait, Thomas? Is that you? I thought you said you were gay.
Is there any tactful way to initiate the idea of anal with my girlfriend? I've had quite a few people tell me "just go for it," but I think that could only end poorly.
Tell her it was the only way that your ex-girlfriend got off. That will bury a seed of curiosity and jealousy deep inside her anus that only your thrill-drill can retrieve.
I'm sleeping with this girl, and the sex is out of this world. She's strongly hinting that she'd like a relationship and I don't. I really don’t want to break things off. Do you think this is setting me up for a meltdown?
Generally these these things tend to work themselves out… in small-claims court. You've pretty much described eighty-five percent of all relationships. Lawyer up and go for gold. Worse-case scenario, it doesn't work. No one in Vegas said, “I put in five dollars and won three-hundred grand."
Sofia
What makes sleeping with a graffiti artist great?
We come from a male-dominated scene, and so we tend to be bossy, sweet, adventurous, and know how to get what we want. We're not afraid of exploring random public places late at night. We crave the highs, and anything that involves an adrenaline rush.
Do you ever bring your work into the bedroom?
Not really. Painting is work. Love is another story. Maybe some bed-talk about which project or wall we want to hit next, but that’s about it.
Does someone's skill at graffiti make them more attractive or compensate for deficiencies in other areas?
Definitely! In the beginning, a lady’s got to hold a tough attitude in order to be taken seriously, not as a sex symbol. Once you prove your painting skills, and receive respect from your peers, its time to dress up! Most writers don’t show their faces in public, so you create an audience by your skills.
Are you generally attracted to other artists, or do you look outside of your field?
No artists for me! Can’t deal with the ego trip and drama. I do like guys that rock in their field: music, tattooing, sports, and other professions.
My girlfriend's parents look at me as a deadbeat because I'm working a part-time job while trying to make my art happen. She's been super-cool about it, but I'm starting to worry that it might be wearing on her. What should I do about this kind of pressure in our relationship?
It all depends what you want in that relationship. Some guys need more time to become more professional in their fields, especially artists. There is nothing wrong with being an artist, and I know lots of graffiti writers who manage to live from their art once they get organized and start focusing on more mural commissions, design projects, and solid studio practice. So it’s possible that, one day, you can quit that day job and dedicate yourself one-hundred percent to your art.
My boyfriend and I are stuck in a dating rut. Any tips?
New York is such a great city to improvise basic situationist practices. Take her on a dérive on the High Line or to the abandoned structures near the riverside in Greenpoint. The Hudson River Park nourishes my passion for sunsets near the water while cargo ships pass by. It will remind you of Gabriel Garcia Marquez novels.
I tend to take the Bill Clinton "anything shy of penetration is not intercourse" towards cheating, but I know a lot of people that don't feel the same way. Am I being a dick?
Sadly, there quite a few dudes out there who live by this quote. As long as she knows that's your way of thinking and it works for both, then cool. If you’re doing it behind her back, it still sounds like cheating to me.
My girlfriend and I are both serious artists, but I think her work is terrible — and she wants to collaborate, try and put an exhibition together, the whole bit. I really like her a lot and the relationship's great, but I think that if I tell her how I really feel, it'll tank things. What should I do?
That’s funny! No wonder I don’t date artists. You don’t have to tell her anything. If the art is that bad, there is nothing you can do, not even a constructive criticism will save you… it sucks! Just try to keep doing your work. Avoid that duo show — for your career’s sake.
