Sex Advice from . . . Soccer Players

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Jen, 27

How should I chat someone up during the World Cup if I don’t know anything about the sport?
Use your ignorance to your advantage: play a little dumb. Ask them to explain the game to you. Ask questions like, “Why don’t they just pick up the ball and throw it in the goal?”

Any subject I should steer clear of?
Don’t insult their team.

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How can I tell which team is theirs?
By the jersey they’re wearing or the paint on their face.

My boyfriend’s addiction to ESPN is disrupting our sex life. How can I get him to watch me instead?
Incorporate sex and sports into one unit. We sell things at the store where I work, like lingerie with a sporty theme. You can get a referee-striped g-string and a whistle or a cheerleader outfit. You could do little cheers for him.

What’s the best injury to fake to get out of sex when you’re not in the mood?
Heat exhaustion.

What soccer move could work in bed?
The slide tackle, but do it gently.

What’s the best way to get a one-night stand away from you after the act?
Be so disgusting afterward that they never want to see you again. Or use reverse psychology — make it seem like you’re never going to leave. The next morning, be like, “So, what do you want to do today?”

“Want to go to Crate & Barrel and pick out flatware?”
Exactly.

How can my boyfriend and I stay cool during sex this summer?
Get some fans going, take some wet cloths and run them all over each other’s bodies. That’ll get you clean and cold.

I hooked up with my coworker while drunk at an office party, but I’m not interested in dating them. What should I do now?
Try to laugh it off, but be as polite as possible — you don’t want to hurt their feelings. And if that doesn’t work, avoid eye contact with them, and kind of run in the opposite direction whenever you see them coming.

Ceilli, 27

Other than being a former Spice Girl, what’s the best way to get with a soccer player?
If you love the sport, get involved. Play pickup games.

What if you suck?
If you suck, you’re still having fun and you’re still out there.

What’s the best way to chat someone up during the World Cup if I don’t know anything about the sport?
You can talk about defense strategies. But honestly, if the game is on, you shouldn’t be talking to them. Wait until halftime. Steer clear of Ireland because they didn’t qualify this year, and avoid FA [Football Association] stuff unless you’ve really done your research. If you know a little, you can skim by.

After being in the missionary position for a while with my ankles over my shoulders, I stiffen up. What can I do about this?
Eat bananas. The potassium will help reduce cramps.

How can my boyfriend and I have sex and stay cool this summer?
Get a pan full of water, fill it with ice cubes and put it in front of the fan. That, or take a romantic bath with cool water.

What’s the best way to cut short an oral sex session if you get down there and find that your partner smells rancid?
You should only stay down for as long as you can stand it. After that, get the hell up and say something like, “I just really want you right now.”

I hooked up with my coworker while drunk at an office party, but I’m not interested in dating them. What should I do now?
Be honest. Hurt feelings now are better than awkward situations in the future.

Brendan, 45

During sex, my boyfriend finishes too fast. What can we do?
Remind him that good sex is like going on holiday. You don’t go on holiday to come home again. The goal of a holiday is not the final day; it’s enjoying every moment of it.

What’s the best injury to fake to get out of sex when you’re not in the mood?
Say somebody kicked you in the “town halls.” That’ll buy you two weeks.

What’s the best way to chat someone up during the World Cup?
Not sure what you should talk about, but I know what you should steer clear of: David Beckham. He’s considered a poncy fuck.

What’s the best way to cut short oral sex when you get down there and find that your partner smells rancid?
You can’t get out of something like that. All you can do is say a prayer to the Blessed Virgin and stick it out.

What soccer moves could I use in the bedroom?
The professional foul. That’s where you try to get the other player on their back.

Wouldn’t there be a penalty kick for that?
Yeah, but not in sex. In sex, there’s a bonus.

Uchenna, 28

What’s the best way to fake an injury to get out of sex when you’re not in the mood?
Say you got slammed in the boob with a ball.

What if you’re not a soccer player?
A pulled hamstring would work.

What’s the best way to get with a soccer player?
Become a soccer groupie. Go to all the games and make signs that say they’re your favorite player.

My boyfriend’s addiction to ESPN is disrupting our sex life. How can I get him to watch me instead?
Nudity, but not full nudity. Sometimes partial nudity is better, but any form of nudity near the television set is key.

My boyfriend finishes really fast during sex. What can he do about this?
A cockring would help with that.

After being in the missionary position for a while with my ankles over my shoulders, I cramp up. What can I do about this?
You need to stretch beforehand. Any kind of stretch where you point your toe up toward the ceiling and pull so that your calf stretches out. In fact, you could do that once you’re already in the missionary position.   n°

Interviews by Rev. Jen Miller. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to .