Sex Advice from . . . Tiny-Dog Owners

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Adam, 31, and Henry, 13

Can owning a tiny dog help me attract a mate?
Henry just kind of draws people to him. The problem is, he upstages me. I met this girl when I was walking Henry in the park. She was wearing headphones so I couldn’t approach her, but Henry made a right-angle turn and went right up to her. She actually accused me of training him to do that, but Henry is, well, he’s really stupid. I tried to train him. I spent fifteen minutes this weekend with a friend trying to train to go over to a woman if I jerk on his leash. Because that’s the best way to meet girls — let your dog be your wingman.

I dig another tiny-dog owner I met at the dog run. Is arranging a dog “play date” a good way to get to know him? Do you have any

suggestions?
This I’ve actually done, last Sunday afternoon at a bar on Perry Street called The Other Room. They let dogs in there and it’s kind of a romantic vibe. It was nice. Her dog’s name was Griffin so I called her up and said, “I wasn’t going to call you, but Henry really had a thing for Griffin.”

Whenever my girlfriend spanks me, my tiny dog gets upset. Should we stop doing this in front of him?
I don’t think it necessarily has to do with the S&M. Henry gets really angry whenever I have sex because he’s been neutered, and I think he has a lot of resentment.

My girlfriend just announced her desire to “see other people.” Does this mean she already is?
Probably, or it means she’s lost all attraction to you and doesn’t even want to fuck you any more. Those are the two possibilities.

How can I talk about my tiny dog on a first date without seeming like a crazy dog person?
Anyone who I’m going to spend any time with is going to have to accept the dominant role Henry plays in my life. I talk about him constantly. I talk to him constantly, even though he’s deaf. My cell phone is one-hundred percent Henry pictures. I’ve deleted all the human photos. They might as well be exposed to it at the outset so they know what they’re getting into.

I recently went on a great first date, but when I brought the guy back to my place, my tiny dog wouldn’t stop growling at him. Should I trust my dog’s instincts?
A lot of small dogs tend to react aggressively toward someone they perceive to be an intruder, so I think on the first date you can’t draw any conclusions. But over time, if you keep bringing the guy back and your dog keeps freaking out, you should take the hint.

Women call men dogs as a pejorative. Can men learn anything from dogs about being a good mate?
A lot of guys in New York are really fussy and picky. Henry is certainly the opposite of that.

Gillian, 34, and Teddy, 12

I’m in love with my girlfriend, but after five years, our sex life is not particularly passionate. Is the relationship over?
No. I think this is an inevitable result of a long-term relationship. If you break up with her, the same thing will happen with another person in another five years.

Is it ethical to borrow a friend’s tiny dog for the sole purpose of trying to attract a mate?
My friend Noah borrowed Teddy for that purpose. He said, “Only crazy women came up to me.” I said, “Serves you right.” Now that he has a girlfriend, he’s not nearly as interested in Teddy.

How did he most effectively use Teddy as a chick magnet?
He had a little collar nametag made up for Teddy with his own phone number on it, in case any women looked closely enough. Then he took Teddy to dog runs and sat around cuddling him, and walked around carrying him on his head so that women would notice him and not just the dog.

How can I talk about my tiny dog on a first date without sounding like a crazy dog person?
Try not to sound like you’re too dependent on your dog, or like your dog is a surrogate child. Also, don’t admit that you let them hump your leg.

Whenever my girlfriend flogs me, my tiny dog freaks out. How can we make the dog understand that I like this?
While she’s spanking you, wear a fake tail and wag it.

Shauna, 33, and Frenchie, 4

My tiny dog has separation anxiety. She needs to be in the room with me at all times. How can I reconcile this with my active sex life?
Get the dog a training video like the books we had as children that teach you about sex: first it’s a flower, then it’s a chicken, then it’s people under the covers.

What’s a good pickup line to use at the dog run?
“Oh my God, I have the most perfect sweater for a tiny dog. It’s too small for my dog, but it’d be perfect for yours. It’s at my apartment.”

I’m an exhibitionist, and a guy in the building across the street has been checking me out. How can I make contact?
The next time you walk around your apartment naked, have your phone number written somewhere on your body.

I’m in love with my girlfriend, but after five years our sex life is not particularly passionate. Is the relationship over?
Of course not. Why aren’t you fucking each other? You can totally do something. Go to sex class, go to a club, watch some porn. Do anything!

How can being a tiny-dog owner get me a date?
It’s best if your dog is wounded like mine. Everyone just melts for that. My friend Moonshine borrowed her a couple times. He got lots of attention.

Women call men dogs as a pejorative. Is there anything men can learn from dogs about being a good mate?
Be loyal, sweet, cuddly and focused only on you.

Jen, 35, and Jack, 3 1/2

Is it unethical to borrow a friend’s tiny dog for the sole purpose of trying to attract women?
I don’t think it’s unethical. The best way to use the tiny dog this way is to be really nurturing toward the dog. Then the person will think you’re going to be a good mate, evolutionarily speaking.

I recently went on a great first date, but when I brought the guy back to my place, my tiny dog wouldn’t stop growling at him. Does she know something I don’t?
I don’t think growling is a deal breaker. I have a really naughty dog at home, Lulu. My boyfriend is so good with her. She used to sit on him all the time and try to bite if he tried to move. A naughty dog is a test for how much the guy you brought over is willing to put up with. If he’s really the one, he’ll work with the dog.

Do your boyfriend and Lulu get along now?
They do. She’s tolerant of him. She still growls at him though.

My boyfriend loves doing it doggy style, but it bores me. What can we do?
That question assumes that your boyfriend’s on top.

I think that’s how doggy style works — unless you’re doing him doggy style.
Exactly. That’s how you can liven it up — with a strap-on.

My boyfriend just announced their desire to “see other people.” Does this mean they are already seeing someone else?
The chances are pretty good. If he’s not already seeing someone else, he’s probably interested in someone else.

When my partner flogs me, my tiny dog gets upset. How do I explain to my dog that I like this?
One of the first principles of dog training it to teach your dog that you are the leader of the pack. If they know that, they’ll be okay with what’s happening.   n°

Interviews by Rev. Jen Miller. Sex Advice From… appears on Thursdays. Have questions for the general public? Send them to .