I didn’t even watch Looking and I, for one, will never have sex with anyone who isn’t Jonathan Groff again.
Notoriously homophobic Russian officials are taking a break from arresting gay activists and banning gay adoptions to turn their attention to the very important question of Jonathan Groff’s sex appeal, says Queerty. The government, you see, is real worried that HBO’s Looking, a show about gay men in San Francisco, is going to cause everyone to start having all kinds of gay sex. And while Russia is wrong — drastically, horribly, human-rights-abusingly wrong — about pretty much everything else involving homosexuality (or the promotion of “non-traditional sexual relations among minors,” as they’re calling it), Putin and Co are totally right about this: Jonathan Groff totally makes even me, a straight woman, want to have tons of gay sex. So much gay sex. All the gay sex.
Igor Lebedev, Vice-Speaker of the Russian State Duma, recognizes that. He understands the profound danger of Jonathan Groff, who, in addition to being profoundly talented, is also profoundly sexy. The fact that he looks a little bit — just a little bit! — like a slightly alarmed baby chicken only makes him sexier. That Looking is about Jonathan Groff not having a boyfriend when he wants one? That’s some serious fucked up science fiction right there. Of course Jonathan Groff could have a boyfriend. Who can resist him? Not even Lea Michele!
And Jonathan Groff, in addition to being probably the hottest alarmed baby chicken of all time, also seems nice. Like me, Mr. Lebedev understands that looks aren’t everything. Jonathan Groff exudes niceness. There are so many attractive men, even attractive vulnerable men with curly hair, but I don’t want to sleep with all of them. I want to have sex with the one who sings and dances and says things like “Oh boy” in interviews, because a Tony and an Obie and a general air of wide-eyed enthusiasm is pretty much the definitive key to my heart. And by heart, I mean bed.
Jonathan Groff is just a beautiful musical theater boy whose ultimate childhood dream was working as a dancer at a chocolate-themed Pennsylvania amusement park and he ended up hot and famous, and now he is so hot and so famous that he is a threat to the Russian state. I didn’t even watch Looking and I, for one, will never have sex with anyone who isn’t Jonathan Groff again. Lebedev is just trying to save me — save us all, really, except for whoever is currently sleeping with Jonathan Groff — from a life of eternal disappointment. We thank you for that, not-so-nice Russian man. Because, yes, Jonathan Groff’s sexual appeal is far reaching and destructive. It’s like a nuclear bomb that you sell to Pakistan. Putin understands.
Image via Instagram
