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The halcyon days of Studio 54 nearly a half-century ago must seem endearingly quaint to the jaded Manhattan revelers of today: a simpler, more innocent time when despite the legendarily draconian door policy, an enterprising art student armed with baby oil, a Bedazzler and an aura of sexual availability might charm their way past the velvet rope to exchange pleasantries and bodily fluids with the rich, thin and famous.
The clubs today may be thick with celebrities, but the famous, while sought after, are hardly a successful club owner's bread and butter. Rather, it's the little people: the anxious investment bankers, the minor gangsters, the nameless Europeans and middling socialites that populate the outer tables near the door and the downstairs dance floor. Thus far, the business model of keeping the VIPs pampered and the peasants subjugated has worked beautifully.
But times have changed. Rising rents and overhead have driven prices up. An "executive managing director of sales" who might have sprung for a $600 bottle of champagne twenty-five years ago is unlikely to spend the tens of thousands of dollars the same bottle would run him today. At nightspots these days, one no longer needs a simple platinum card, one needs a card made out of actual platinum.*
The dearth of civilian participation in today's nightlife also poses an important philosophical problem. Without non-famous club goers to exclude from VIP areas, cut in front of in bathroom lines, and occasionally engage with in hasty, anonymous sexual intercourse, how can a celebrity truly feel like a celebrity? In a club of only celebrities, do celebrities cease to exist?
In 2030, several prominent nightlife impresarios hoping to restore the crucial imbalance of wealth and social status in their clubs, formed the New York State Federation of the Night (NYSFN) and joined with the Lionel Richie Family, longtime philanthropists and arbiters of cool, to form the $500 million Nicole Richie Memorial Nightlife Endowment, which awards annually several sizable fellowships to deserving candidates with special aptitude, promise, or passion in the field of clubbing. The grants, named for the Richie family scion who died tragically of "exhaustion" in 2015, are to be spent at the recipient's discretion, though he or she is required to report periodically to the Board of Trustees, detailing how the monthly allowance has been spent and to relay any really serious celebrity gossip he or she has accumulated therein.
"Nicole was a precious rainbow, and since her death, we've wanted to do something that would commemorate what she stood for," said a frail Lionel Richie from Santa Barbara, California, where he is in hospice. "She loved being famous more than anything, and I know that she would have wanted us to do everything in our power to keep being famous special. God bless my baby, wherever she is."
Grants awarded include the following1:
· The Nicole Richie Memorial "Angel" Fellowship: This is the largest of the grants. It is awarded on the basis of personal style, physical fitness, personality and sartorial sophistication. Weekly weigh-ins are required of the recipient; weight, regardless of height, is not to exceed 103.2 lbs (46.8 kg). Special preference is given to candidates with a proven interest in ballet, figure skating, fashion design, creative writing or entomology.
· The Paris Hilton International Fellow: Shortly before her death, Nicole reconciled with Paris Hilton after a thirteen-year feud, and in the spirit of peace, Lionel Richie chose to name a grant after his beloved daughter's childhood friend and longtime rival. A weak, but enthusiastic Nicole even helped to plan the grant's criteria. The Paris is reserved for candidates who are struggling to overcome a physical obstacle, such as a lazy eye, developmental delays, or severe genital herpes. The fellowship lasts for one year, and ends with a one-way ticket to the Greek Islands, from which the recipient is required to arrange and fund his or her own return.
· The Lindsay Lohan Biennial Scholarship: This very special prize is awarded to candidates from a troubled family situation. Candidates must also exhibit special talent in the performing arts, with an emphasis on dance, and show a keen interest in the industrial economy of developing nations, particularly those in South America. Upon learning about the endowment in her name, Ms. Lohan was reached for comment at her home in Bahrain, where she lives with her third husband, Sheik Omar Abdullah Haziz al-Saud. "It's not for some college thing, is it? No? Good," said the thrilled Academy Award winner. "Because I didn't go to college."
· The Nicky Hilton Prize: Awarded to candidates who exhibit special promise in the handbag arts. Applicants must be eighteen or older. There is no maximum age of eligibility. Recipients are selected on the basis of an interview and assessment of qualifications, including charm, poise, personality, personal style, and appearance in photographs, among others. A personal essay is also required.
Here are some excerpts from past winning essays:
"Nicole Richie is my idol for many reasons, and I can think of nothing in the whole wide world that would make me more incredibly full of pride and be such an incredibly amazing and superlative experience than to truly follow in her footsteps as a fashion icon and tastemaker for my generation...her miraculously extraordinary sense of personal style is an amazingly incredible inspiration to me when making my own fashion choices...like Nicole, I have suffered from a lot of people being jealous of me, but I don't let them get me down. They can just go about their own lame little ways because I know that I am destined to be a true star, just like Nicole's star shone so brightly through the night until it was finally extinguished. I guess some of us just shine too brightly but we have to seize the day when we can and not let life pass us by, because our time here is short and we have to live it to the utmost fullest extent. I think Madonna said it best in this really sad old movie I saw on TCM the other day where she plays this beautiful Latina woman who marries the president, and right before she dies of cancer of some kind, she sings:
The choice was mine, and mine completely
I could have any prize that I desired
I could burn with the splendor of the brightest fire
Or else, or else I could choose time.
I think Nicole knows what that means and I do too . . . also, like Nicole, I am very, very committed to physical fitness."
Tallulah Jade Anderson, Tarrytown, New York
"I have overcome SO many truly difficult difficulties in my life, like dyslexia and being a natural brunette, but I have overcome them with flying colors as I mentioned earlier and that is why I think I should be the next Paris Hilton International Fellow . . . I am a hot bitch and I absolutely bring 110% to every party I go to, whether I am working or just there for fun and when I say I am a bitch I mean like a sexy, fierce female, not like bitch in a negative way because I am a super nice and considerate person and everyone who really knows me says so. You can call them if you want, I'll give you the code to my Sidekick XXXVII later and you can get their numbers. One example of how I am really nice is that I don't just want this money to launch my career as a model/actress/author/entrepreneur. Well, that's part of it, but the real reason I want to do all those things is to build a better life for London Punani Aniston Metzler, who is the baby I am raising, ALL BY MYSELF. Isn't that the hottest name? He is from Botswana, which is in Africa, and I got him in my goody bag at the Swarovski party last year, where I was just some guy's plus one but still talked my way into the deluxe goody bag, which ought to tell you something about my "potential" in this field. Also, I am excited to take him to Greece, where he can be around other people who are "swarthy" and won't feel like a total freak all the time.
Tori Olivia Metzler, Montecito, California
"My parents divorced shortly after my first birthday, and I have seen very little of my father since. For most of my life, I have been the sole caregiver of my clinically depressed mother. In the past, this was less of a burden, but after undergoing hip replacement surgery five years ago, she has grown very heavy and is no longer particularly mobile. As my mother was once a famous beauty, the ravages of time, illness, and (we might as well face it) Big Macs on her looks have been quite difficult for her to handle emotionally. I love my mother very much — we were extremely close when I was a boy — and I didn't mind caring for her at first, but time and her increasingly severe mental illness has worn me down. I do her shopping, keep her doctor's appointments, regulate her medication and manage her finances, only to receive abuse in return, particularly on this last count. My mother, a wealthy woman, was horribly taken advantage of financially by my father, and as a result has become terribly paranoid about money. She accuses me of stealing from her, of being "just like HIM," and berates me with a litany of my father's financial follies: $300,000 for a diamond-encrusted five-iron, $15,000 on a baby shark that he forgot to feed, $75,000 on a vintage bottle of champagne he was photographed sharing with a stripper at the MGM Grand in Vegas. I cannot so much as mention that I could use a new pair of sneakers or that we might consider hiring some cleaning help once a week, let alone requesting some capital to strike out on my own. I am desperate to get out of here, ladies and gentlemen of the board, and I feel that the Lindsay Lohan Biennial Scholarship might be my only escape. I am also anxious to flee to more tolerant pastures, if you get my meaning. Mama has grown very religious in recent years, and when she came across me in my room innocently lip-synching to some old X-tina songs the other day, she became irate, and not for the obvious reasons.
"Makeup artists are faggots!" she shouted, her chins wobbling. "Backup dancers are faggots! Not no son of mine!"
I thought it would only have aggravated the situation to mention that my father had been a backup dancer when they met. Instead, I pointed out that things have changed, that gay marriage was now legal in 47 states.
"Not in Lousiana, it ain't! And thank fucking God for that!" she cried, and sped away down the hallway. If her motorized cart could have left rubber tracks on the shag carpet, it would have.
Please get me out of here. All I want is a chance to come to New York, to dance to some house music, have some anal sex, get my picture in a few magazines again, and God, as my Grandma Lynne says, will take care of the rest.
Sean Preston Federline, Kentwood, Louisiana
Entries for this year must be postmarked no later than August 24, 2033. 2034 recipients will be announced by December 15. n°
| ABOUT THE AUTHOR: |
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Rachel Shukert is the author of Have You No Shame? (Random House/Villard). Her work has also been featured in Best Sex Writing 2008, Best American Erotic Poems, and 2033: The Future of Misbehavior. She lives in New York City with her husband and her cat. Her website is rachelshukert.com. |
©2006 Rachel Shukert and hooksexup.com.
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