Consider this a lesson from the x-rated David Attenborough.
Animal sex is abound on the interwebs this week. A fossil preserving 165 million-year-old bugs doin' it has been discovered, the oldest evidence of insex ever found. Don't be hypnotized by the amber-coated love making or the trance-like beats of the Bloodhound Gang's Bad Touch and assume all sex in the animal kingdom is uninhibited kink, you should read this list.
1. Anglerfish
Anglerfish have a singularly horrifying sexual practice. Wired says it best: "Boy meets girl, boy bites girl, boy’s mouth fuses to girl’s body, boy lives the rest of his life attached to girl sharing her blood and supplying her with sperm. Ah, a tale as old as time." Anglerfish reproduce via sexual parasitism, which basically sounds like something you'd accuse your ex of. The female attracts a male by putting on a blue light in her lure, then the male bites into the flesh in her belly. Soon, they're permanently fused. The male's fins and eyes atrophy and he exists solely to produce sperm and live off the female. Then he dies, a mere sperm donor. The sad part is only 1% of male anglerfish find a lady partner. The rest die useless virgins.
2. Leopard Slugs
One leopard slug leaves a trail of slime to attract another, beckoning them to the bedroom with goop. They find a branch and hang off it, entwining for an hour (which is a serious amount of foreplay). They let go of the branch and slide down together on a rope of their own mucus. Their white, slimy male organs emerge from out of their heads. Yes, their heads. The white translucent penises then entwine and swap sperm with one another. Both are fertilized. Then, the sex abruptly ends when one slug unceremoniously drops the other on the ground and presumably lights a cigarette. Bonus points to leopard slugs for having simultaneously the most romantic and terrifying sex lives.
3. Short-Beaked Echidna
Video may be NSFW.
The short-beaked echidna has a four-headed penis like some kind of monstrous phallic Hydra. When it ejaculates, only two of the heads produce -erm- a result. Their mating season only lasts from the end of June to September, and in order to gear up for some loving, the echidna's testicles swell up to 200 times larger than their normal size. Their lady counterparts only select one male to sleep with a season, so they gotta be choosy. Meaning, the undesirable male echnidnas have the worst documented case of blue balls known to nature.
4. Rhesus Macaque
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Don't be fooled by their tender faces, these monkeys are vicious horn dogs. When a male macaque is mating with a female, others are threatened by his dominance. As he is approaching orgasm, the other male macaques will form a gang and come to attack him. In fact, during 50% of all their sexual encounters, the male monkey is attacked as he reaches his final destination. Poor dudes.
5. Redback Spider
Everyone knows of the legendary black widow, but the redback spider is one of a kind in that the males actually offer themselves up as food for their dames. The female spiders, which are 10 times bigger than the men, sport huge fangs which the male impales himself on. As he takes his last dying breath, they screw. The female spider then has enough sperm to last her for the rest of her life. It's sort of like film noir.
6. Seed Beetles
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"Gah, what is that thing?!" "Oh it's just my junk, honey." Yes, the above image is the seed beetle's nightmare peen. The one-handed flail that is supposed to go into a female seed beetle's nether regions. The result is an incredibly damaged bug vagina that cannot go out and get other wild tail from other spiky-dicked men, ensuring the original beetle's paternity. The bastard.
