I Did It for Science: Rear Window

her autographed copy of The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women and explained that she loved anal sex because it felt intense and involved the surrender of control.
   My own exploration began with the fourth chapter of Anal Pleasure and Health, “Looking and Touching.” Using a hand mirror and plenty of light, I bent over and examined my anus. It looked like a set of pursed lips that never smiled. I felt sorry for it.
   “Also in your journal, consider using a pencil, crayons, or colored pencils to draw a picture of your anus,” Jack Morin suggests. Because I’m used to drawing from life, I tried bending over and sketching my anus at the same time, but found it too difficult. Putting the mirror down, I rendered my anus from memory and proudly hung the drawing on my wall.
   I returned to the mirror, took another look and slowly touched my anus. “Imagine how mom and dad might feel if they knew what you were doing,” the book proposed.
   An image of my mother crying popped into my head. My father tried to comfort her, saying, “At least she has a job.” The book encourages anal explorers to write an imaginary letter to their parents explaining what they are doing and why. I skipped the letter. If I had to write an imaginary letter for every action I performed that my parents would deem disturbing, I’d never get anything done.
   For a few days I followed Jack Morin’s instructions for getting to know my ass. I became more aware of my anal muscles and was able to voluntarily contract and relax them during moments of boredom.
   Anal Pleasure and Health covers an immense amount of ground — anal tension, anal hygiene, analingus, homophobia, STDs, even the effe cts of Quaaludes and the two main rules of anal sex: never put anything in your pussy that’s just been in your ass; and never have unprotected sex with anyone you’re not monogamous with.
   After all that, it was time to actually stick something up my ass. I headed over to sex superstore Babeland in search of a butt toy. There I found the Stealth Plug, a vibrating instrument the size of a large man’s finger. Its military inspired packaging featured an image of a jet fighter.
   At the checkout a man was buying a harness, a dildo and lube. Next to his large dildo, my commando butt plug didn’t seem so impressive. I smiled at him. We were the only two customers in the store and we were both looking to pleasure our asses.
   I rushed home and examined the plug. Considering it has a white cord (making it look a little like an iPod) and attached battery pack, it really isn’t so stealthy. But it does vibrate silently.
   Because the Stealth is made of jelly rubber, I draped a condom over it and slicked it up with lube. Breathing deeply, I relaxed my ass and slowly inserted it. I lay back on my bed and closed my eyes, conjuring an image of Robert Plant circa 1970. When my kitty grew moist, I flipped the switch to vibrate. Nothing happened.
   Of course — toys never include batteries. It’s one of the only certainties in life, right after death and taxes. Because my hands were c

overed in lube, I wondered how I was ever going to slide open the battery hatch. The stealth certainly felt good and I was in no mood to remove it, but I wondered how I was going to make it to the kitchen for batteries with a butt plug cord dangling from my anus without my roommate seeing me. I could just masturbate, I thought. But no, I had a vibrating butt plug; I wanted it to vibrate. Hastily, I grabbed my television’s remote control and transferred its batteries to the stealth — little realizing the stealth was turned all the way up. I got quite a surprise when it began vibrating at full throttle.
   Once my shock subsided, I enjoyed the sensation of anal vibration. It was like having a rectal massage. I’m guessing the difference between a normal butt plug and a vibrating butt plug is like the difference between Stove Top and homemade stuffing.
   I massaged my clit and came quickly, then lay on my bed immobilized, staring at the drawing of my anus on the wall.

Observations/Results:
Quantify the effects of the experiment.

If anal sex — the accurate term for all forms of anal pleasure — is college, anal intercourse (butt-fucking) is graduation. (Fisting is like grad school.) Now that I’d learned to take pleasure in the stealth plug, it was time to give a penis a whirl. For this step, I needed a partner. I called on a former lover named Bob McSmith (not his real name), an esteemed, well-endowed playwright.
   I could have chosen a man with a tiny penis, but I wasn’t about to cheat just to make my lab easier. Plus, I had to want my lab partner. Desire is the single most important element in anal sex. If you don’t want it, it’ll never work. While the vagina is elastic enough to take a penis even if the woman is making a mental grocery list, it’s much harder for an asshole to lie. It will close up like a frightened clam at any hint of unwanted intrusion.
   Not only am I attracted to Bob McSmith, he is patient and also fairly inexperienced in the arena of anal pleasure. I knew that if I told him to stop he wouldn’t try to ram it in like a porn star.
   Bob arrived at midnight after a daylong drinking bender. I was also mildly inebriated and exhausted. Both books advocate sobriety when engaging in anal intercourse, presumably so the recipient doesn’t awaken with a torn-up asshole, confused.
   We consigned ourselves to a bit of harmless looking and touching, but when it came time for finger insertion I realized I’d misplaced my bottle of lube.
   “I swear it was right next to my bed,” I said, turning over furniture and rifling through my underwear drawer.
   We sat on the edge of my bed while Bob marveled at the colorful panties I’d flung around him.
   “How does one lose an entire bottle of lube?” I said. “I really need to clean my room.”
   We opted to experiment with analingus instead.
   I felt a little self-conscious about having another human’s face buried in my ass. Do I smell fresh? I wondered, but heard no

complaints from Bob, who later admitted to enjoying it more than he’d anticipated.
   We switched places and I got to work rimming Bob. It was difficult to tell whether I was getting him off, because all I could see was his asshole. I suppose I could have lifted my head up to see if he looked bored or excited, but I was too focused. There was certainly nothing gross about licking Bob’s ass. He tasted clean and a little salty.
   But I will say that analingus is completely unromantic — long walks on the beach, candlelit dinners and ass-licking just don’t go together.
   After we grew tired of analingus, we made a date for the following Friday. Bob suggested we strap the lube to my forearm.
   When Friday rolled around, I went back to Babeland and acquired the video companion to The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, thinking it might inspire us. Later that day, Bob arrived at my door, carrying a bottle of lube and a copy of Toni Bentley’s The Surrender, an Erotic Memoir, that his roommate, Tobly, (my g-spot lab partner) stole. The Surrender is the memoir of a former ballerina who discovers her love of anal sex. Tobly earmarked her favorite sections, which Bob and I read aloud. In a section entitled “The Box,” the author describes a lacquered box where she keeps her collection of used condoms. In another section, we discovered she’d been boned in the ass 298 times by her lover. In “Profile of an Ass Fucker,” she describes her lover as being “the least annoying” man she’s ever known.
   “Wow, she sums it up there,” I noted. “If you want to fuck someone in the ass, it’s really important not to annoy them.”
   I put the book down and started the video. It begins with John “Buttman” Stagliano challenging Tristan Taormino to pop a porn star’s anal cherry. With the help of a magic wand and a twirling vibrator, she rises to the challenge.
   “I’ve never seen a vibrator twirl like that!” Bob exclaimed.
   “I used to have a vibrator like that, but I had to throw it out,” I said, sighing.
   “Why?”
   “I wasn’t getting any work done.”
   “This is actually sort of hot,” Bob said.
   “I know,” I said. “I’m kind of ready to get started.”
   We managed to watch a few more scenes, including one in which a lovely lady named Jazmine takes her porn star boyfriend Nacho’s penis inside her ass for the first time.
   “Wow, he knew what he was going to do with the rest of his life when he hit puberty,” Bob noted as Nacho dropped his pants, revealing an enormous penis.
   Nacho warmed Jazmine’s ass up with his fingers, anal beads, a dildo, clitoral stimulation and vaginal intercourse before finally taking her in the ass.
   Bob and I turned our attention away from the TV.
   “Let’s do it,” I said.
   “Yeah, why watch it when you can live it?”
   I lubed up the Stealth and inserted it while Bob kissed and caressed me. Any physical exertion should always involve a warm-up, and anal intercourse is no different. Bob grew hard and I grew moist. I suggested a little old-fashioned vaginal boning. Bob slipped on a condom and entered me while I still bore the stealth plug. The feeling of fullness was incredible. Bob held the Stealth’s switch in his hand and played with the various levels of vibration while he moved in and out of me, slow and low.
   I was getting too excited.

   Bob pulled out and removed his condom. I gave him a little oral while manually keeping up my own level of arousal.
   I lifted my head from his loins and bit my lip. “Go slow,” I said. He already knew this, but I felt a last minute need to reiterate. I removed the stealth and applied half a bottle of lube to my asshole while Bob donned another condom. I got on all fours and Bob entered me slower than a three-toed sloth with a bad leg. As Jack Morin pointed out, often partners must try several positions before they find one that’s compatible with the shape of their rectum. For some reason, doggie-style just wasn’t working.
   I turned over and lay on my back, lifting my legs up. Bob got on top and slowly entered me. This time it as was smooth as butter. He was all the way in, and it didn’t hurt. I couldn’t believe it.
   “Are you actually inside my ass?” I asked. “I’m not implying that you have a small penis or anything; it’s just that it doesn’t hurt. It feels great. I never expected missionary position and anal sex to go together.”
    I thrust toward him and he moaned.
    “How do you like being inside my ass?” I asked.
   “It’s incredible,” he said.
   “Is it tight?”
   “Yes.”
    We moved together like this for several minutes until I spied my Nubby G vibrator next to the bed. I placed it against my clit and turned it on, then slid the tip inside my vagina. My head reeled.
   “I can feel it vibrate on my cock,” Bob said.
    We continued like this for a while. It felt amazing, but for some reason neither of us came. Maybe we were too nervous.
   Eventually, I had to take a break, not because my ass hurt, but because my legs had been over my earlobes for a good twenty minutes and I had to pee. Bob pulled out and we lay on the bed, ecstatic that we hadn’t injured or disappointed each other. I caressed my asshole with my fingertips. It was open and relaxed.
   “Oh my God, look at my asshole,” I said, showing off. “It’s not like pursed lips anymore. It’s smiling.”
   We took a beer break and then attempted more anal, with me lying flat on my stomach. The second time around I was a little sore, so we stopped. As all the books and videos say, it’s important to have anal only when you and your asshole want it.
   And at that point I just wanted to masturbate and watch the rest of the video, which is exactly what we did until we arrived at mutual satisfaction.

Conclusion:
Summarize your findings. Don’t forget to attempt to identify possible variables that could result in different findings for others trying to recreate your test results.

It was possible for me to relax and enjoy anal sex only because I was seeking pleasure and not simply giving a man my ass for his pleasure. It helped that I took a little time to explore my asshole before attempting intercourse. Once I got to know it, I recognized a friend for life.

I Did It for Science appears monthly.