Talking to Strangers: San Francisco
Hooksexup asks deeply personal questions to people we just met.
Tarah, 25
What do you do to pay your bills?
I am a personal trainer — basically I make people look and feel more awesome.
Is that a good way to meet dating prospects?
I haven't been training for long enough to get any offers, but being in a gym all the time I do hope to increase the number of hot and active guys I meet. I'll be crossing my fingers.
Where have you met interesting guys?
I'd have to go with meeting a guy at the rock-climbing gym. Essentially I met this guy right before I went up a wall. Little did I know that as I was trying to get from one hold to another I would lose my grip and go face first into the wall, totally knocking my nose into the artificial mountain.
That sounds painful. Did the guy see it?
Yeah, he saw the whole thing and I had to excuse myself to get ice. It was embarrassing and memorable.
Did anything come of you and the guy?
Oh yeah. We dated for a few months.
Do you have any crazy exes?
Yeah. I've had exes who just seem to show up at places I'm at with really weak excuses. I've also had an ex fly across the state to try and win me back.
You didn't find that romantic and endearing?
Well, I might have if it had been a normal breakup, but essentially I had packed up all my belongings while he was out of the house and fled the city without giving him my new address, so having him appear was super-creepy and very stalkerish.
Do you have any dating dealbreakers?
Telling me that they have a girlfriend.
But what if they're "the one?" Do think there is a "the one?"
No! There are multiple ones that you could be compatible with depending on the time and place.
Since you're in the gay Mecca, would you ever date a girl?
I've gone on a date with a girl but I was dating a guy at the time and it was more like the girl I was with thought of it as a date and I just thought we were hanging out. But I could almost date a girl, maybe. I mean, girls are pretty and hot and I like softness and boobs. You never know.
Are there are any first date tips you have for men looking to date you?
I would say have some of the chivalry — you know pulling out chairs and taking the coat and what have you. Oh, and also keep the discussions of bodily functions to a minimum.
Does that come up a lot in your dating?
It's San Francisco. People talk about everything. The exception I allow would be talking about crazy people who poop on the sidewalk — cause that conversation really can bring people together. We've all seen it and it's always funny in retrospect.
Mitch, 30
What's the dating scene like in San Francisco?
It's tough. I've dated girls in other countries, and dating in Europe is easier. The women I met overseas were just more outgoing and honest.
Do you think dating is easier for women here?
Yeah. I've noticed that women my age in the city have slept with more people than some guys, because it's just easier.
Really?
Well, I went out with this girl I like. I bought dinner, we had a great night. Then she comes back to my place and when I try to make out with her she admits that she is a lesbian and wanted to use me for a photography assignment.
What about good dates?
When MySpace first came out, I met a girl who was really attractive and she messaged me that she liked the same books as me and we decided to go on a date at the beach. Slowly, the stroll on the beach turned into this game of chicken where we walked straight toward the water rather than along the edge. It turns out neither of us were chickens and we walked, fully clothed into the ocean.
How cold was it?
Too cold. We didn't even end up making out because it was too freezing, but we did end up going out for a while after that.
Has a women ever insulted you in the bedroom?
I slept with my old boss just before I moved to San Francisco. We'd been having sex for what I thought was a normal, reasonable amount of time, and she asked, "Are you finished yet?" I was insulted but apparently she was one of those women that comes pretty easily.
That's a bit awkward.
What made it more weird was that she said she was tired and I could just turn her over in the night if I wanted to finish.
Do you have any dealbreakers?
Girls who order really garlicky dishes or weird foods. Maybe I'm insecure, but it just makes it seem like they don't want anything to happen later.
It sounds like this has happened.
There was a girl I was kissing and I could taste McDonald's on her breath and I lost interest.
Is there anything you do to prep for a first date?
Three Viagras. No, just kidding. I like to do something I enjoy so that I curb nervousness and get in a good mood.
Lianne, 26
How long have been dating in the city?
Oh, about three years.
Has there been more long-term or short-term dating?
I guess more short-term.
How would you sum up dating in the city for you?
Exciting and alcohol-laden.
That sounds hot.
Most of my relationships have been based on an adrenaline rush. This is definitely a dating scene where most people are all about experimentation and being open-minded about the different people you meet.
So are you dating guys or girls or both?
Both, and some people in between.
Really?
Yeah, I went out with a trans guy. We went out for breakfast and early on he told me about his hormone therapy. And how all he does is eat and jack off, and that he is an alcoholic. And then asked me out on a second date. Which I had to decline, of course.
Interesting. How do you turn down people who ask you out?
It's hard. I get a fair number of ambitious but fugly girls who go up and risk the rejection by asking me out, but my friend and I have a code that we use to help swoop the other away before we get trapped by someone trying to ask one of us out.
Do you think it's easier dating girls in San Francisco?
I think it's harder since there are so many more single guys in the city. Not only is the pool smaller with the gay girls, but it's very incestuous. So you have to be careful not to burn any bridges when turning someone down or breaking up with them.
Has that been a problem?
I knew two of my girlfriend's exes. They were sharing their perspectives of her and that input changed my relationship with her.
Do you have any dating musts?
They have to have confidence. No confidence, no deal. I have also recently added that I can't date anyone that I can diagnose with three or more disorders.
Has that been a problem in the past?
Surprisingly, yes. In this city, I'm probably mentally sound compared to many of the crazies out there.
Do you have any crazy exes?
All my exes are crazy.
Have you had any sexual escapades that you are especially fond of?
It was fun the first time I was able to fuck two women in twenty-four hours.
The first time?
Yeah, there have only been two times where I've been able to do that. But the first time I really had to juggle and it was a huge accomplishment. Actually, it was within six hours, now that I think of it. But I was frustrated, because the first girl was supposed to leave and her ride didn't show up until midnight and the second girl kept calling me to see when I was going to come over. That made it difficult.
Kudos. What's the perfect date for you?
Wine, a good meal, intelligent conversation. Then go home and have sex. Or alternately, ordering in, a movie, cuddle, and then have sex.
Comments ( 29 )
Essentially....Tarah was basically REALLY annoying...and so was everyone else. Probably my least favorite TTS yet.
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I can't get "a read" on Grace. Her interview doesn't correspond to her picture. Maybe it's just me.
these people really suck. that is why i live in Oakland.
Thanks for making me absolutely sure I did the right thing in leaving the Bay Area!
I would be okay with hanging out with Damien. Dude seems surprisingly respectable.
Thank you, I am. And I'm awfully fun to hang out with.
Odd, I actually found this a very pleasant Talking to Strangers--more down to earth than most, I thought.
I can't quite decide now if so many people in San Francisco are shallow, or it's just most of the folks willing to talk to Krystal Peak about sex. (Liza, you are excused.)
I'm having a hard time articulating my annoyance right now. I grew up near San Francisco, and I've longed to live there again, but the cost of living and job opportunities have made that prohibitive. Still, I visited recently, and I was struck by how volatile and anxiety-ridden and transactional people there have become. Maybe its the economy. For all the cultural joy of the city, the social and sexual freedom, the wit ... people seemed unhappy.
Still, it showed something interesting. The divide between people with opportunity and those without in a place like this can be stark, in an Ayn Rand kind of way. I fear some people, seeing this divide, have started to take it out on each other. I don't know if this was Peak's intent, but her piece shows that kind of emotional cannibalism at play in a city I love. And it's breaking my heart.
OBVIOUSLY YOU NEED TO COME TO OAKLAND FOR SOME REAL TALK. These people are more self-satisfied and have less substance than Williamsburg hipsters circa '03.
Guh. Way to make my home city look bad, Hooksexup.
I think Tarah is delightful and incredibly hot and that spending a day with Grace would be a helluva lot of fun.
@GAC Emotional cannibalism? I just don't get that from these interviews. Can you explain?
I'm really loving how you end your evenings with "Then we have sex." Though, it tells me your a dirty girl, and I don't date dirty girls.
Emotional cannibalism -- very well. Take Lianne, for example, discussing the incestuous dating scene. She said, "So you have to be careful not to burn any bridges when turning someone down or breaking up with them." She apparently mentions this not because she's fearful of causing emotional harm, but because she's afraid that word will get around to her partner's friends. She has friends cover for her when people she doesn't want to sleep with proposition her. And apparently "all" of her exes are crazy -- which is to say, all have apparently expressed some kind of emotion at her that she doesn't like. It's hard to have nothing but crazy exes, unless you're making them crazy. She's plainly an emotional vampire. Her comments might be wrapped in a kind of light, Sex-in-the-City liberation, but when I think about it, it's so self-centered that it borders on the sociopathic.
Now, granted, she's the worst offender. But there's a bit of that damnit-i'm-a-get-mine posture to most of this edition of Talking to Strangers. These are, for the most part, not gentle people. Maybe I'm getting romantic as I age, but I see more than an absence of love in their trysts. Some of these comments are bad enough to make me question their capacity for love. Sex, for consumption's sake. Cannibalism.
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"These are, for the most part, not gentle people. Maybe I'm getting romantic as I age, but I see more than an absence of love in their trysts." Maybe you're projecting. You don't know these people.
Man, Mitch sounds like such a jerk.
sound more like he's full of shit
Projecting. Hmm. I'm in love, but ... maybe you're right to note that I'm jumping to conclusions. I shouldn't speak so forcefully about subjects with thin evidence. But this is the evidence. A reporter approaches someone out of the blue and asks these questions. The answers are unflattering at times, so that adds to the likelihood of truth. Very well. Not conclusions, then. Just ... impressions.
This is the spirit of the times, and of Hooksexup in particular. Sex is a consumer good, and it takes young people longer and longer to learn to see it any other way, if ever they do. As part of that generation, I am sad for myself.
This IS thin evidence, but the "I'ma-get-mine posture" is apparent and off-putting. I compare my impressions of this selection of people from a past couple Montreal TWSs, and the difference is clear.
meh, all the people that are interviewed for any of these are all interchangeable. They're all hipsters that think they're creative and artsy and edgy. It's so cute how they think they're unique.
Hi, S. I am creative and artsy. That's what I do when I'm at work and on my own time. I act. I write and produce plays. I have art hanging in homes and galleries throughout San Francisco. What do you do that puts you on the "everyone's an interchangeable hipster" high horse? I think it's cute that you think you have something worthwhile to say.
Ech. Sexual liberation is great, but I'm also getting that sense of the transactional, and that's just not sexy or alluring in any way. Having sex with a bunch of different people is easy, especially for attractive women, but, then...?
damien: you are a hipster who has boned in a preschool. the time for facing these realities is now.
Damien actually likes boys....he's just too afraid to admit it.
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This TST is the lamest, laziest column ever.
UGH - all you did was hang at Dolores Park - ferchrissakes! DOLORES PARK! talk about cookie cutter! and Valencia St. Though I know *exactly* where Liane is - which isn't far from either. Hooksexup, such a waste - you really did bad by SF, thanks. Everybody 30 or under. Really? REALLY? somebitchcunt is right on. btw most of the musicians driven out by the greedy landlords pisaing themselves over dotcom cash have gone to the EB. Oakland's where it's at I'm told. I'd go check it out, but I don't have a car. You need a car.
If there's another TST: SF, do some fucking homework. At minimum get some ideas from Laughing Squid. Don't just go where your ex-roomie from Columbia or Stanford or whereever the fuck you went to college with drags you around the 5 blocks of hipster that is Valencia street, over to DP, and then visit some bigirl up the hil
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