LEAST ROMANTIC ALLEGEDLY ROMANTIC MOVIE

Larry Crowne

Larry Crowne features two of the biggest movie stars on the planet, inviting real people, who have real problems and are mired in a sucky economy, to watch them simper and act cute and overwork their pet mannerisms in what you can tell is their idea of a serious movie about unglamorous real people and their problems. It must be said that Tom Hanks does look unglamorous here: he's fifty-five and may be the only leading man in Hollywood who could pass for older, though even in a Justin Long costume he'd be too old to still be doing his "irresistible" lovable-dumbass thing. Since he directed, co-wrote, and co-produced this thing, it's understandable that no one had the bad manners to point this out to him. — P.N.

Runners-up: Friends With Benefits, Beastly, One Day, New Year's Eve

BEST CHEMISTRY

Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone in Crazy, Stupid, Love

When Emma Stone's fast-talking Hannah first sees the bare chest of ladykiller supreme Jacob (Ryan Gosling), she laughs in disbelief at his too-perfect physique: "Seriously? It's like you're Photoshopped!" It's a great moment not just because it actually makes an incredibly fit person self-conscious about their body for a change, but also because it's the start of one of those rare relationships where emotional nakedness (achieved piece-by-piece in a charming all-night gabfest) becomes way sexier than a simple baring of skin. — A.O.

Runners-up: Michael Fassbender and Mia Wasikowska in Jane Eyre, Ewan McGregor and Melanie Laurent in Beginners, Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz in Bad Teacher, Jean Dujardin and Berenice Bejo in The Artist, Owen Wilson and Marion Cotillard in Midnight in Paris

LEAST PLAUSIBLE COUPLE

Jodie Foster and John C. Reilly in Carnage 

Jodie Foster's an icon and a hard-working technician whose sense of humor has mostly been displaced by the stick up her butt, and she's never really had much sexual chemistry onscreen with anyone. John C. Reilly's a likable character actor whose biggest recent successes have been in slob comedies, and one of his specialties has long been playing the more obtuse half of really bad marriages. (In his other new movie, We Need to Talk About Kevin, Tilda Swinton joins a conga line of unhappy movie wives of John C. that already includes Julianne Moore, Jennifer Aniston, and Renee Zellweger.) It should be noted that their characters here are not supposed to have the greatest marriage in the world, so on that level, the casting makes sense. But why the hell did they get married in the first place? Just so they could have not the greatest marriage in the world, in case someone ever wanted to make a movie about it? — P.N.

Runners-up: Winona Ryder and Kevin James in The Dilemma, Carey Mulligan and Oscar Isaac in Drive, Matt Damon and Scarlett Johansson in We Bought a Zoo, Adam Sandler and Brooklyn Decker in Just Go With It, Russell Brand and Greta Gerwig in Arthur

TRAGIC-EST LOVE STORY

Bellflower 

Director-writer-star Evan Glodell's debut feature is steeped in the tortured emotions of a young man who experiences his first taste of sexual bliss, thinks he's found something he'll cling to for his whole life, and then, when things don't work out, wants to blow up the world. The movie sometimes feels as out-of-control as it is intense, but that's part of what makes it exciting and unique; it's more interested in expressing the chaos inside its hero's head and heart than in sorting those feelings out. Jessie Wiseman plays his love interest in her film debut; she makes it seem perfectly convincing that knowing you'd spent your last night with her would turn your mind to thoughts of the apocalypse. — P.N.

Runners-up: The Skin I Live In, Drive, My Week With Marilyn, The Adjustment Bureau

BEST SCENE TO MAKE YOUR MOVE

Jean Dujardin and Bérénice Bejo tapdancing around the screen in The Artist 

In early movies like the ones The Artist emulates, people had metaphorical sex all the time, and this neat little pas de deux is a perfectly period-appropriate recreation. Jean Dujardin first spots Bérénice Bejo's dancing legs when she's standing behind a screen that conceals the rest of her. Without revealing his presence or knowing what those gams are attached to, he joins in, and soon they're dancing together, except she doesn't know it. Then the screen is taken away, and she's sweetly embarrassed yet at the same time thrilled that he's drawn to her. It's flirtation and foreplay mixed together; consummation doesn't arrive until the last scene of the movie, a perfect resolution. — P.N.

Runners-up: Jennifer Aniston seduces Jason Sudeikis in Horrible Bosses, Ryan Gosling and Carey Mulligan drive together in Drive, Ewan McGregor and Mélanie Laurent move in together in Beginners

BIGGEST LOSS OF SEX APPEAL

Greta Gerwig in Arthur

Greta Gerwig came to fame in cinéma vérité films like Hannah Takes the Stairs and Baghead, as the kind of gently offbeat sex symbol who can play a charming trumpet duet in a bathtub one moment and break your heart the next. Unfortunately, the human foibles that made her so appealing as Ben Stiller's love interest in Greenberg are flattened into quirky "manic pixie dreamgirl" clichés in this overblown, unnecessary remake of the Dudley Moore classic Arthur. It's definitely Gerwig's least sexy performance to date. But we'll forgive her if the occasional big Hollywood payday frees her up to appear in more interesting independent films (like Whit Stillman's upcoming Damsels In Distress) the rest of the time. — A.O.

Runners-up: Jason Bateman in The Change-Up, Emma Roberts in Scream 4, Stephen Dorff in Somewhere, Paul Rudd in Our Idiot Brother