Irish novelist wins 2010's Bad Sex Award for hilariously bad metaphors

No, not that kind of bad sex scene.

The Irish novelist Rowan Somerville won the Literary Review's Bad Sex Award for his novel The Shape Of Her, thanks to these fanciful bits of description: 

[Pubic hair] "like desert vegetation following an underground stream"

"He unbuttoned the front of her shirt and pulled it to the side so that her breast was uncovered, her nipple poking out, upturned like the nose of the loveliest nocturnal animal, sniffing the night. He took it between his lips and sucked the salt from her."

"...like a lepidopterist mounting a tough-skinned insect with a too blunt pin he screwed himself into her..."

"She released his hair from her fingers and twisted onto her belly like a fish flipping itself." 

Cue the old-school projector and '70s porn music. Somerville took the stage and was gracious in his victory:

"There is nothing more English than bad sex, so on behalf of the entire nation, I thank you."

He defeated a star-studded lineup that included Jonathan Franzen, Christos Tsiolkas, and some guy who used to work for Tony Blair.