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Shortly after I turned twenty-eight, I was asked on a date to a wine bar. From what others have told me, the wine-bar date seems to be a modern rite of passage for those in their mid-to-late twenties. I know very little about wine. It's not that I don't like drinking wine. I buy bottles, four at a time, at Trader Joe's (total: $8.96). Wines with names like Rabbit Ridge and Ravenswood, Clay Station and Yellowtail. Wines with colorful logos on glossy black labels, from vintages like 2006 and vineyards in Lodi, California.
But I have little experience with wine as a thing, and I'm falling into the minority on this. Wine sales were up 3.4% over the past year — Americans consumed over 2.5 billion liters. Enrollment in wine schools has been rising at
twenty-five percent per year, according to BusinessWeek. There's the Sideways effect, for sure, and Trader Joe's cheapies probably have something to do with it. But Sideways was targeted to people my parents' age, and Trader Joe's, at least for me, is more about getting buzzed at a premium price. I think it has more to do with this theory posited by Emily, a twenty-six-year-old writer from Brooklyn: "With internet dating, people are going on a lot more first dates and can't be bothered to be creative about them all the time. They become one-trick ponies. They become experts on wine and bring you to a wine bar. Chances are you're not the first person they've brought there."
That's exactly how I felt when I arrived for my date on the Lower East Side — the latest rapt audience for this guy's hit one-man show, Boy, Do I Know My Wine! But what I also felt was an unsettling combination of old and immature. Old because I was on a date at a wine bar — a more conservative venue than I saw myself dating in a year or two ago — and immature because I didn't have the appropriate skills, poise or factual knowledge to warrant my presence there.
A sommelier came over and handed me a leather-bound menu twenty-four inches high and three inches wide.
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Urban courtship has always encompassed a degree of know-it-allness.
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Inside, in six-point italics, was a list of hundreds of wines. Most were from regions of the world I'd never heard of. None were from California. They ranged in price from my monthly internet bill to well beyond my Brooklyn two-bedroom's monthly rent.
My date was wearing a small black T-shirt to match his dark hair and complex demeanor. He had stick-thin, eggshell-white arms. "What kind of wine do you like?" he asked. I squinted at the list. Charmes-Chambertin, Joseph Roty, Cuvée de Tres Vieilles Vignes, 1985. Chateau Latour Grand Vin Pauillac, 1988.
"Something . . . red?" I said.
He smiled understandingly: Oh, I see. "Do you like fruit overtones?" he asked in a baby voice, cocking his head sympathetically. "Or something with a more oaky feel?"
"I think oaky. Definitely oak," I said.
"And what about body?" he continued. "Thin, medium or full?"
"Mmmmmedium."
"Okay!" He ran his finger slowly down the list, putting his vast oenophile's analytical skills to work based on the data I'd provided. Finally, he called the sommelier over in triumph. The little man clicked his heels and came bounding over to our table, hands clasped in anticipation. With a grand flourish, in what sounded like perfect pronunciation, my date looked up and ordered . . . some kind of expensive red wine.
Urban courtship has always encompassed a degree of know-it-allness — a degree that I've noticed only increases the older I get. More and more often, I find myself in group conversations, waiting on my toes for a segue or an allusion that I feel I know enough about to jump in and add something, but just when I think I've caught one, the topic has already zipped past, and I find myself thinking, "Wait! Go back! I wanted to say something about that too!"
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Commentarium (23 Comments)
fantastic. love it.
Come on, most wine bars aren't that intimidating. Most don't have a selection nearly as large as you depict. And this guy you were with, did he ever stop talking about anything? Sounds like just a bad date, not so much about a bad winebar date. Don't write off wine.
haha! i used to work at a wine bar and let me tell you, half of it is totally made up. not for the people who really love wine, of course, but i know very little about wine and i just memorized the ones we had on our menu and bs'd when talking with customers. it worked wonderfully.
will - so funny and true. i hate wine bars too, even after 4 years in california where i learned to drink wine (though i still love trader joe's). i just got offered a wine-themed travel writing gig in eastern europe and when it got un-offered due to my delayed response, i was secretly relieved. haha!
You defend the man from the date as not being arrogant or smug...yet he bragged about himself incessantly. That aside, if you want a keeper, you probably shouldn't date someone who is obsessed with yeast excrement. It will only start with lots of wining and end with even more whining.
"yeast excrement" is divine, dumbass. It's called alcohol!
Somehow, I think I know what "big D" stands for... Is is dick? drunk? dolt?
What a great article. I cook fancy food but I still buy cheap wine and I don't give shit about the notes and the structure. That's for balding guys with a need to intimidate people with their superior knowledge. I once had the privelege to eat at a world famous restaurant in Nice.. They had original impressionist paintings on the wall. The wine came in a carafe and the guy paying (Colombe D'Ore) drank what was in front of him. The whole wine thing is bullshit. Drink what's in front of you. Laugh. Connect. Get laid. Bless you. I really appreciate your candor.
Err... 'rite of passage.' It's just not right.
Sounds like the wine-bar date is an excellent rapid screening device for identifying those with personality traits/disorders you should know about sooner rather than later.
As anyone who appreciates wine will tell you, all that "culture" is bullshit encouraged by the growers to create a luxury brand. Beyond that, 3 useful things to keep in mind:
1. That whole sommelier/waiter ritual where someone looks, inhales, tastes, swishes, and swallows, is for the uninformed. The only thing necessary is to give a quick sniff to confirm that you don't smell either vinegar or cork. Otherwise, the wine is fine, and you should go on with your conversation.
2. Wine is a food, and the whole point of drinking any wine is simply to enjoy it, like the meal, as a background to the main point of eating together: to enjoy each other's company.
3. Arrogant or not, people who talk too much and listen too little are lacking in both manners and empathy.
I would consider myself lucky to be so quickly rid of the charmless gentleman.
By all means take the next candidate to a wine bar. People cannot help revealing their character in such a setting, and Heraclitus memorably said: "Character is destiny."
I really enjoyed this piece. It captures my insecurity about constantly playing catch-up to the "ideal date", even though I'm an intelligent, active person. I also know little about wine.
This is so great! It's such a brilliant straightforward stab at the pseudo culture that is taking over New York. I'm a native New Yorker and the whole "foodie" phenomenon turns my stomach. What I really love is the fact that you possess brilliant writing skills. That, is a sign of true sophistication!
You reveal the real dealbreaker on this date right away. Your date had "skinny white arms". So you weren't physically attracted to him? Nothing wrong with that! But don't go on for several pages about how pretentious he was. The guy was showing off. I have yet to meet a man who failed to do this on a first date. This guy's strengths included knowledge of culture and wine. A lot of people would find that attractive, and he was hoping you were one of those people. He DID ask you questions about yourself, so you can't claim that he was an egomaniacal lout. He didn't insult you or behave rudely in any way. Give him a break and move on to someone else. Wine bars aren't all pretentious (although that is part of the attraction, I'll admit). However, there are other absurd pursuits in this world that are a lot less harmless. Speaking of that, if you are going off to a bar by yourself after downing 4 drinks, maybe you need help?
In Australia, we used to have a notoriously bad, so bad its good Direct sale company that hawked everything from steak knives to disposable nappies on TV. The company was called Demtel, its hallmark is a very long commercial featuring an infamous 'gentleman' who doesn't take no for an answer. Him of the motormoutn variety with a bag of goodies to entice you. Along the line of:
"...WAIT! DON'T LOOK AWAY BECAUSE IF YOU CALL ME IN THE NEXT 5 MINUTES YOU WILL ALSO GET A SPECIAL GIVE AWAY SET OF STEAK KNIFE...NOT INTERSTED? HOW ABOUT A SET OF MUSICAL DUMMIES FOR YOUR CRYBABY.. DON'T HAVE A KID? TAKE ONE ANYWAY! YOU NEVER KNOW!..."
He was, as we Aussies would say - full of it. You seem to have had a run in with a post-modern equivalent of one. But he's hawking himself instead.
The problem with this type is that they are so loaded with talent (real or imaginary) that they mistaken it for who they are. What you are is not who you are. There's no chance you'd ever get to know the real, insecure, witty or otherwise person hiding behind his bag of stuff. I went on dates with lots of people of this type and pass the hour of boredom by probing them with really personal questions...yo ugot nothing to lose except your sonambulism..
I think you should take some time to educate yourself. Sounds like you don't have much zest for life.
Imagine how your date felt - he takes time to explain wine to you and try to pass on some of his enthusiasm and you act like he's the one out of line.
Get a life.
I love this piece. I had to attend a wine tasting as part of planning a company event and it was the worst two hours of my life. I literally wanted to jump up and tip over the table. The level of douchebaggery was that intense.
I love this piece. In my spot of Ohio, by and large we know we're perceived as hicks even if we're not, so very little is done with pretention. I know a lot of people who are "foodies" and are into wine, but they do it with a certain casual "oh gosh this is really nice" air, not so much with a sense of expertise or wisdom. It's as if we just stumbled across good things and want to share. And you know what? That's what it really is, across the board. Sometimes it's nice to live in a flyover state.
I find the irony of this delicious. You see, even though I'm only a 28, I've had countless women tell me that they didn't like me until they got to know me. The given reason? They didn't realize I was interested in anything worth while. You see, poignantly aware of potential discomfort, I'd spent a good part of my High School life learning *not* to bring up areas where I was knowledgeable.
And since I learned this about myself, I've had a little smile of satisfaction every time that I mastered some skill. And, for the most part, sharing that level of knowledge on a first date has been quite well received.
It has been my observation that women (and men) who feel intimidated by their date's apparent mastery of "mature" topics have one of three issues: either they're not aware of what they know about, they somehow think their area of mastery isn't interesting enough to talk about, or they truly are immature (and dull) people.
Mostly, I see the first two issues. So, next time you're at a wine bar, good lady, practice the art of conversation you've spent over 28 years learning -- occasionally turn the topic toward your interests as well. You probably know quite a bit about something, and either don't realize it or presume it's not interesting. A guy with such a broad range of expertise will surely be interested in any new information.
The great thing about wine - as these posts all prove - is that it can be utterly elitist and completely populist at the same time. Get from it what you want. Being totally fascinated by it is no different than being totally fascinated by anything - classical music, a baseball team, the history of Ferraris or what have you. I've had the peculiar experience of drinking old Bordeaux and it's both ridiculous and wonderful to down a glass of grape juice that set somebody back five hundred bucks - but my own cellar (er shelf) is stocked with ten buck a bottle cab (it was merlot until Sideways intimidated me).
Excellent and so true! Indeed, wine tasting is "an intellectually dead pursuit" and "the sport" is peopled with bores and boneheads. Better to play the ukulele... and have a glass of Trader Joe's wine to help get the music flowing. Mahalo....
Your writing is simple great, Especially for beginners!
Was looking this morning for thoughts on God’s use of ordinary people. I appreciated yours.
nice pictures, good!