Talking to Strangers

Hooksexup asks deeply personal questions to people we just met.
 

 

Zita, 30
 

What do you do?
I work for an IT recruiting firm.

Does that ever impress guys?
It can, but it's usually a bunch of computer guys and I'm not really into that. I have no idea what C++ or Java is, so there's no relatability.

What do you think of guys in Portland?
They vary. You get the douchebags who go the top-forty clubs, and they have some of the worst macking skills. Then you get the guys on the east side, and a lot of them are snobby about how they've read more books than you.

Okay, I can't say that's not true. If you could change something about the men of the world, what would it be?
A lot of girls say they'd want men to be more sensitive, but I think having a really good sense of humor and respect for people is good.

You had more than a little sarcasm in your voice when you said "sensitive."
Well, that's such a stereotypical female response. A lot of women just say what they think women are supposed to look for. But they're kind of demeaning themselves by saying that they're more sensitive than men. That's not every woman, though, and that's not every man. And, sometimes it's nice when a guy takes charge.

Do you have any good hookup stories?
When I met my ex-boyfriend, he was a DJ, super-cute, and when I saw him walking down the street I pretty much leaned out of the window of my friend's car and said "Hey, baby! How much?" And he totally went for it.

What did he do?
He stopped and said "Five dollars!" It was a funny way to hit on someone.

Did you, in fact, give him five dollars?
No, he donated his services that evening.

 

 

Johnny, 35

What do you do?
I'm in sales.

Does that ever impress the ladies?
No one cares. Before I was in sales I was in teaching, and that impressed them even less. If someone says "Oh, I'm a teacher," what's the first thing you think? They don't have any money. They're underpaid. Your chances of getting a free drink just got lower. One time I asked a girl for a free drink. That didn't go well.

How did you try to work that?
You get to know a girl a bit, for twenty seconds maybe, and then you say "Hey, want to buy me a drink?" Pretty much they're thinking that you're going to buy them a drink, but I tried to turn the tables. It didn't work out.

What has worked out for you?
Nothing. Okay, I'm being facetious. But being a teacher doesn't impress very many people.

Describe the perfect woman.
I've met the perfect woman.

Really?
Oh yeah. I walked into a bar in Chicago, and sat down next to this very beautiful blonde girl. We talked for a while, and we had a great conversation. I never saw her stand up, by the way, over the course of the whole conversation. I asked to see her again, got her number, and we planned to meet for lunch. That's the difference between Portland and a big city, by the way. You don't meet people very often there. You're not going to bump into them again. Here you might bump into someone again, but this girl in Chicago, we make plans because she knows that we're not going to bump into each other again. We met for brunch the next day. Same thing, I never saw her stand up. Later, we met again and she picked me up in her car. I still haven't seen her stand up. When she gets out of the car, she's about six feet tall, and I think "Oh my God — jackpot!"

Was she wearing heels?
No, she was six feet in flat shoes. She was tall, blonde, beautiful. Probably the most beautiful woman that I've ever seen in my life. She was really tall. I was in.

What happened?
We're still together, four years later.

 

Sarah, 22

What do you do?
I'm sort of in between things right now, but I just graduated and I'm going to law school next year.

Does your ambition to be a lawyer impress dudes?
Yeah, it does!

What do you think of the male population of Portland?
Those my age, around twenty-two, tend to be too nice and too bland. In order to get some excitement you have to look for out-of-towners who are here on vacation. Those are promising. Older men on vacation. That's promising.

If you could change something about the opposite sex what would it be?
I would make them more responsible and kinder, and have better senses of humor. I like men who call when they say they're going to call and show up on time. I like men who are cleaner than I am, and that's not hard — I'm not a very clean person. I like men who want to make me laugh and want to laugh with me.

Do you have any good hookup stories?
Yes, I do. A couple of weekends ago two friends and I were at Kell's and one of them wanted to hook up with this guy. She was very drunk and talking to this dude. My other friend was also very drunk. I was the designated driver, and I was talking to another dude who wasn't very drunk. My first friend said to me, "I wanna bring this guy home." But we'd all planned to crash at my house, so I said to her, "Mmm, probably not." This guy she wanted to sleep with though, says, "We can come over to my friend's house and we'll see what happens." We all knew what was going to happen, and we got in the car.

Just your friend who wants to hook up with this guy, or all three of you?
All three of us get in the car. We all go to this guy's house. There's me, and the dude I was talking to, my friend, and the guy who she was very shortly going to have sex with, and my other friend: the poor third wheel. So, we get there and friend one goes off to have sex with this dude. I'm playing pool with this other guy, and the poor third wheel is on the sofa and starts crying.

That sounds horrible.
It gets better! This dude that I'm having pool with...

"Having pool with?"
Well, we were "having pool," and then we decided to go have other things. So, we go and do that. Meanwhile, my friend who was having sex comes down and gets high. They were already both super-drunk. Now they're high. So, I'm having sex with this one dude, my friend is getting high and having sex with this other dude in the other room, and about an hour and a half later we hear sobbing. The guy I'm having sex with says "Oh my God, that's your friend. Your friend is sobbing." I put on some clothing, knock on the bathroom door, and find the poor third wheel sobbing, "My life is coming to an end! I got so high!"

Oh no.
She was drunk and high and the only one not having sex. She told me that she wanted to go home. Everyone there was super-nice and offered to let her sleep in an extra room, but she really wanted to go home. So I and the third wheel got in the car and left our friend having sex with this stranger in this stranger's house. She didn't have her phone on her, and she didn't know any of our numbers by heart because we all just use our contact list. My sobbing, high friend and I get home and think, "Thank God we got out of that alive, and too bad we're such terrible friends to our other friend who's still drunk, high, having sex with a stranger, and stranded in a stranger's house." The guy drove her home the next morning. So, one, talk to your friends before going to a stranger's house. Two, have an exit strategy. Know how you're getting home and when and make sure everyone's in agreement. Three, always have your phone on you!