|
Hooksexup's Guide to Sex Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen
by Em & Lo
A must read for anyone with working genitalia and a sense of common courtesy, Sex Etiquette is committed to saving readers from a lifetime of sexual faux-pas. This outrageously helpful handbook, which covers everything from cheek kiss to clean up, will teach you, among other things:
- The Ten Commandments of the Pick-Up: A gentleman or lady never looks someone in the boobs or genitals while talking, even if that person's daring neckline or visible pantaloons line (V.P.L.) has a paralyzing effect on their thought process.
- Table Manners: Do not gesture with your silverware. You do not need to create a more colorful picture by using a cherry tomato on a fork as if it were a pointer one wrong move, and said tomato could go flying across the restaurant into someone's décolletage.
- How to Make the First Move: Do not lick your lips as you go in for the kiss. This is the equivalent of a renowned opera singer hocking up a loogie on stage in order to clear his throat before an aria.
- Valentine’s Day Decorum: It is not necessary to spend a dime, but it is required that you spend more than a minute determining the most appropriate way to doff your hat to the relationship, whether you have been together ten days or ten years.
- Booty Call Conduct: It is acceptable to be tipsy, but if you find yourself stumbling drunk and unable to perform the duties of the booty call, it is gauche to make that call in the first place.
- Threeway Etiquette: In a heterosexual couple, if the third is male, let the gentleman in the couple lead the way; if the third is female, the lady in the couple leads.
- The Do's and Dont's of Formal Sex: Do not just wash your crotch. Ladies and gentlemen take full baths.
- Public Sex Protocol: In an alleyway, you must stay standing and should pull clothes aside rather than removing them. If you are caught by someone who claims the alley as a home, you must donate at least five dollars to their cause and move on quickly.
- When Sharing Is a No No: As far as indecent exposures go, one should avoid dabbling in public nudity be it streaking, mooning, flashing, or wearing Speedos unless one is at a nude beach, at college or in Europe.
- The Finer Points of Porn: A gentleman or lady does not store porn magazines on a coffee table, in a magazine rack, or in the bathroom.
- The Finer Points of Fantasies: A gentleman or lady never admits to fantasizing about their partner's parents or siblings. First cousins, however, are permissible conversation fodder at art gallery openings.
- Masturbatory Manners: No lady or gentleman will be guilty of the vulgarity of masturbating during a phone call without the express and enthusiastic permission of the party on the other end of the line.
- What to Do When You Have to Poo: We know of no greater romantic crisis then finding yourself on a date that is heading toward sex indeed, when the sex is seemingly imminent — and you find yourself suddenly in need of taking a monster shit. To poo or not to poo, that is the question, dear readers...
- And much more!
|
|
