Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Last week a "Dancing Russian Solder" (i.e. an extra) in the latest Indiana Jones film spilled some major plot points. The result? A moment of fame in his hometown newspaper, and the end of his acting career (i.e. Daddy Spielberg is pissed). Learn a lesson from the dancing Russian: you don't need to spill all your grand plans to the world this week. Sometimes sharing too much too soon lessens your power.
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Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Those heavenly bodies up above have quite a birthday month in store for you. You might meet a hot Russian in an evening drawing class, jet off to Europe with said Russian and end up partying with old money in even older castles. Or, you know, you might take a class and meet a hottie at the bar. Sorry the stars aren't more specific, but they do foretell incredible good luck in travel, education and nooky.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Don't you love those picture-perfect ads from the 1950s, featuring pretty women with bright-white smiles, and dapper men wearing the latest from the haberdasher? You've got the best of both worlds this week, Sag: you'll be a picture-perfect social sensation, but have a fierce spirit underneath that won't be contained by old social norms.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Movies and TV shows all about the banality of office life are fun to watch. But going to work each day and having to endure a real-life Steve Carrell or Ricky Gervais isn't entirely pleasant. If your career seems bogged down this week by inanity — or someone keeps trying to steal your red stapler — know that you've got the inner-strength to rise above all the water-cooler drama.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Some religions advocate giving up all worldly pleasures for spiritual pursuits. Other religions are proponents of earth magic and dancing under midnight moons. This week, take the time to create your own, personal mingling of the two. You might discover that getting dirty can be sacred, and there are many, many ways to give praise.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Are you a fan of the new show Dirty Sexy Money? Whether you've programmed your TiVo to record every episode, hoping to catch a glimpse of Donald Sutherland's buttocks, or whether you wouldn't watch it even if paid, the hilarious title is still a good summary of your week. The stars say your finances and business prospects will be looking up, as will things in the bedroom. I guess the "dirty" part of it is entirely up to you.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
Do you have one of those friends whose fabulous home is always just so, featuring the latest streamlined lava-rock coffee table or modernist painting their designer pal gave them? Does it drive you crazy? Don't be a hater this week, Aries. Now is the perfect time for you to dedicate yourself to creating your own perfect abode, whether that means new furniture, or simply a new interior stance.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Have you been having crazy dreams of late, Taurus? Though you're often adorably practical, now is the time to pay attention to your wild subconscious. Find out what desires might be hiding beneath your cool exterior. I'm not saying keep a dream journal, but if you're inspired by any nocturnal flights of fancy, this week you have the ability to make all your dreams come true.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Mercury goes retrograde next week, Gem, but you might already feel that your career momentum is slowing down a bit. Instead of fighting it, embrace the downtime. This month is the perfect time to review and refine your career and life goals. On the plus side, romance should be heating up all month. And plenty of relaxation time plus a cosmic propensity for nooky equals one great week.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
If I tell you Mars is entering your house of fame, and is set to stay awhile, would I get you all breathless and excited? If that doesn't do it for you, how about this: all signs point to an extended period of abundant energy, VIP-level success, new professional opportunities . . . not to mention you'll have an irresistibly sexy glow. Are you excited now? You better be.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Are you pro-penny? Some folks argue that the penny is obsolete; it costs more to make one than it's worth. Others find Lincoln's face sexy, think they bring luck, or just need some damn thing to put in their penny loafers. Whatever your opinion, you've been in a cycle of seriously needing to count those little suckers. Be glad you did: not only do they add up, but the stars point to a more prosperous future. There could be a lot of little Lincoln heads coming your way.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Do you wonder why we worship movie stars, following their every pregnancy, rehab stint and fashion choice? Is it because America lacks a royal family, so we've got to have somebody to lionize? Or is it more mystical, as Salon's Cary Tennis theorizes: "Nowhere else in our culture [is there] such rich and readily accessible tales of such magical and entrancing variety." The stars hint that you are now ready to become a superstar in your own fabulous life, and your move will be the most royal, magical and entrancing one possible.
