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Because you are a Hooksexup reader, you are probably somewhere near either side of thirty, which means your parents came of age in the ’60s and ’70s, which means they probably divorced in pursuit of more sex, more freedom, more "me" for themselves. And you were left — lonely, scared and dreamy — in front of the TV in your constantly rotating "home," fantasizing about the perfect family. As an adult, you are probably now trying to find more sex, more freedom, more "me" inside a marriage or marriage-like thing instead of "out there" somewhere. Resurrecting the ghost of marriage past — mama bear, papa bear and baby bears — is the therapist and author Michele Weiner-Davis, a.k.a. the Divorce Buster. Her philosophy can be summed up in three words: Suck it up. Why divorce when you can just "really appreciate the times together that are good and not align yourself with the problem when your spouse is drinking?" I thought that was called "enabling," but who am I? Actually, I’m one of those Gen-Xers Michele refers to in our interview, who believes in marriage, who idealizes it, even. I guess I just idealize divorce, too. — Lisa Carver "When parents decide to end their marriage, it means the death of the family." That’s from your first book. Isn’t that a rigid definition of family? Like a single parent and kids and maybe a grandparent don’t make a family. What kids want isn’t always what’s best. What about when one parent constantly criticizes the other in front of the kid?
Let’s say the criticizer doesn’t want help. Let’s say the mother is being criticized, and the kid is learning not to respect women – and if she’s a girl, she’s learning not to respect herself. Should the mother still not leave? For example? Under what circumstances do you agree it’s time to divorce? Dr. Laura says that adultery, abuse, or alcohol and drugs are grounds for divorce.
Substance abuse is difficult, but I’ve also worked with people who, instead of divorcing, decided to detach from the problem, really appreciate the good times and not align themselves with the drinking. They found ways to cope with the difficulties through various kinds of support. Did you go through a period of hopelessness in your marriage and feel like divorcing? People seem to feel that the sanctity of their own marriage is dependent upon the sanctity of other people’s marriages. We’re not like that about, say, other people’s financial, political, or even religious situations. Why are other people’s marriages a personal issue? Why is it our business? Why does the national average of divorce feel so threatening? Married people take fewer sick days from work. How did you come up with divorce-busting? NPR just did a piece about how in the next election, unmarried women are the group being targeted, for votes. In the past it’s been soccer moms or NASCAR dads. We have gone from being a mostly married nation to a mostly unmarried nation. Could you ever see, in a free, rich, creative society, marriage being an expired concept? Do people ever get hostile with you because of your professional attitude? They feel grateful?
No one ever feels you’re being nosy? Because you’re not. They’re bringing it up to you. Is it terribly exciting, being on Oprah? How long had that woman gone without sex, the one who came up to you in the town square? Wow. Well, thank you very much for your time. Good luck in yours. n° |
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