It’s the fourth night of Hanukkah tonight, and even after thirteen years of schule every weekend, I’m still not sure how to spell that damn holiday. Isn’t there a “C” in there somewhere? Traditionally, Hanukkah was not the big gift-giving time for the Jews (that’s reserved for Purim), but in America, where we all have to keep up with our goy neighbors, Hanukkah became the holiday where we give and receive eight days of trinkets so that we don’t feel left out come Christmas. Fun! But we here at Scanner would like to bring it back to the original meaning of the holiday by celebrating eight Semitic hotties in TV, movies, and music that put the “hard” into “Sephardic.”
Andy Samberg:
Never has a big nose and hot beats meshed so well together as in this Lonely Island and Saturday Night Live wunderkind. Not only did songs like “Jizz In My Pants” and “I’m On A Boat” get stuck in our head throughout the year, but Andy’s goofy sex appeal puts him high above most comedians, and lets face it actual celebrities in our opinion. Plus, we could take him home to mom!
Lea Michelle:
Glee‘s resident Jewess knows how to belt them out like Barbara while still maintaining that sexy/annoying over-achiever vibe that allows her to name-drop Tay-sachs in casual conversation like it was part of her haftorah portion.
Seth Rogen
Seth Rogen, bringing the Jew-fro back in style. Although we kind of wish he kept the weight on, because if there’s one group that needs a sexy, self-deprecating mascot more than the Jews, it’s the schlubs.
Mila Kunis:
No one was a better JAP than Jackie on That 70’s Show, but it’s really only in the past several years that Kunis has broken out to become a star of her own. She’s always hysterical playing the voice of the under-loved Meg Griffin on Family Guy, and this year she showed us in both Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Extract that blonds don’t always have more fun.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt:
From the dorky long-haired boy we loved on 3rd Rock From the Sun and 10 Things I Hate About You to the sexy leading man of 500 Days of Summer and Mysterious Skin, Joseph Gordon has made a serious comeback potential for a Hollywood child actor. We would totally challah at him, or just run around IKEA for our first date if that’s what he wanted.
Ariana Jollee (Warning NSFW language!):
Did it really take that House episode from two weeks ago to alert America to the fact that there are Jewish porn stars out there? Ariana Jollee is the award-winning 26-year old adult film actress and director (named XRCO Superslut of the Year two times in a row!) who still knows how to say the Kiddush, which is reason enough for us to rent her seminal film Young Bung.
Zac Efron:
I know, right? Who knew? He certainly hides it well under those shiksa bangs of his.
Scarlett Johansson/Natalie Portman:
Okay, obviously we couldn’t pick our favorite from these two, so one of them gets to be the top candle on our sexy menorah this year.