Jonathan Franzen crowned "Great American Novelist"

Sources tell me that being on the cover of Time Magazine used to be a really big deal. Like, if it were still around today, and you made it onto the cover, you'd totally make that issue your Facebook profi —  whoa, whoa, hold the cell phone, my sources are now informing me that not only does Time Magazine still exist, but that its next cover will feature Jonathan Franzen and the words "Great American Novelist."

Franzen, best known for his epic The Corrections, is bestest known for requesting that that peerless novel be removed from Oprah's Book Club. Naturally, his snobby snub caused quite a stir, and people are now wondering how the literary world's M.I.A. (too soon?) will handle the already momentous buzz surrounding his forthcoming novel, Freedom. I suppose only Time will tell; the issue hits newsstands tomorrow. Until then, I'll be asking my sources what exactly a newsstand is.