Key part of the story: our room was in the attic of the barn, above where the goats slept.
There's not just good sex or bad sex, there's a full spectrum of sex breeds. Each distinct, unique, and singular. Some put you in post coital bliss, while others can send you to the hospital. That's the idea behind Discovery Health's new show, "Sex Sent Me To the ER," which premieres January 3rd. The series follows Dr. Jordan Moskoff, a Chicago urologist, who claims that sex-related injuries land people in the ER about twice a week. Oh, and you better believe there are dramatic reenactments. To commemorate this important historical television event, we've collected the most ridiculously hilarious sex injury stories from our office, friends, and the lovely folks we asked on Reddit. Gird your loins, ladies and gentlemen.
The Goat Attack
Whilst working on a farm a few years back, this girl and I were having a summer fling. It was my last night, so we got fairly drunk and ended up in our room. Key part of the story: our room was in the attic of the barn, above where the goats slept. And we absolutely did not lock the door on the way up, because alcohol.
Fifteen minutes, we hear clip-clops on our floor. I think it's someone coming upstairs, totally ignoring the fact that it was a fucking clip-clop, not footsteps. Because alcohol. And then the goat proceeded to head butt me off of the bed, mid coitus.
tl;dr: threesome with a goat.
The Broken Tongue
Full disclosure: I was born with my tongue tied. Which means, the little strip of skin connecting my tongue to the bottom of my mouth is a lot shorter than everyone else's. It made me feel self conscious as a young kisser, fearing my lack of tongue would prohibit me from Frenchin'. Anyway, I was over a new boyfriend's place for the first time ever. We still had never slept together. After dinner, we headed to the bedroom. Midway through our first time sex, he kisses me very hard and sort of sucks on my tongue forcefully. It was a terrible kiss. Suddenly, I am in intense pain and my mouth is filling with blood. I move my tongue around, only it feels markedly different. My tongue tie has snapped.
Sex stopped and he awkwardly asked me what was going on. I slurred that my tongue was bleeding. He, extremely awkwardly, asked if I needed anything. "Salt water," I muffled, trying not to move my tongue. He went to go boil water so I could gargle salt water to cleanse the wound. Then he supplied me with Tylenol and a glass of water. Sure, he handled it nicely, but he had been tactless and boring in bed. We broke up two weeks later. Though I was in pain for a week, my tongue healed just fine. I looked it up and you can get your lingual frenulum snipped with a surgery. I sent him the Wikipedia page on a Facebook message as a joke, though I didn't want to see him again. I consider this sex injury and failed relationship a success, seeing as I got the surgery for free. And now my tongue sticks out much farther.
I was with this guy on an antique bed in my parents' apartment when they weren't home, and in a moment of passion, the wooden headboard came crashing down and fell on him giving him a concussion (as he later found out).
The Hot Pepper
I made my girlfriend dinner one time, then the foreplay happened, then came the realization that I had been slicing scotch bonnet peppers bare handed.
The very first time I had sex I tore my frenulum preputii, the damn thing wouldn't clot so they had to cauterize it and then 6 months later they cut what remained of it in half so it didn't tear again…
Not the best way to lose ones virginity.
Edit: For those who aren't doctors, flap of skin that connects to bottom of dick head tore, had to burn it with fire.
The Dildo Rash
Jerking off in the shower a few months back, I started fucking around with one of my wife's dildos. Was in one of those weird moods where just the strangest shit seems like the hottest idea you've ever had.
So I'm sitting on the edge of the tub deepthroating this big blue dick (it's one of the ones with a big suction cup on the beanbag so you can stick it to the wall) when I suddenly feel like my lips are on fire. Turns out I'm having an allergic reaction to the dildo. I don't know what it is, but some things with silicone (or silicon? I get them confused) give me a really bad case of burning hives. I used to get it all the time from the caulk used to make molds back in art school.
I jump up and start gargling steaming shower water trying to rinse off whatever it is I'm reacting to, but it's way too late. For the next four hours, my mouth was swollen up like a catcher's mitt and my throat was absolutely fucking burning. And I was blue balled to boot. I never explained that one to the wife.
tl;dr: Gave a blowjob to a big blue dildo, had an allergic reaction all over my face.
I was hooking up with a girl for the first time after we'd been dating for a few weeks. We were at her house, going doggy style on her bed, which happened to be next to a set of cupboards with glass doors. Her bed frame was one of those cheap metal ones with wheels, so the bed was moving all over the place. She leaned back into me pretty hard, and I misjudged where the end of the bed was. This caused me to flip over off the edge of the bed, doing a backwards somersault and bringing her with me in the process. I landed pretty hard on my head, and she ended up putting her knee through the glass causing a giant, bloody gash. I ended up needing to take her to the hospital (via a taxi – – classy) so that she could get 11 stitches. On the way to the hospital, in the taxi, I realized that in all the blood-induced panic I'd forgotten to take the condom off. Yanked it off and threw it out the taxi window (double classy).
The Slip and Slide
Shower sex. I slipped hit me head on the faucet six stitches and a concussion. I told the emergency room nurse I just fell in the shower and she wanted to run more tests to see why I fell and I had to admit it was shower sex. She was like sixty, I was mortified.
The 90 Degree Angle
She was riding me cowgirl, and my dick slipped out and we were kind of into it, and I slammed her down onto my erect dick before I realized it had slipped out and bent it more than 90 degrees to the left side. I had a wicked bruise, but luckily it still works, no lasting damage. Just couldn't have sex for about a week because it was so sore.
One of my exes had a crazy idea, she chewed up a mint and gave me head. That was one of the worst pains I have ever felt in my life.
Image via Discovery Health.