Dear Miss Information,
I'm a fifty-four-year-old woman, and my significant other of about seven years was constantly saying that I got "too wet" during sex. All the men I have been with in the past took it as a compliment! This guy won't French kiss, and doesn't enjoy going down on me because it makes me "too wet to fuck," according to him.
Is this normal behavior? Am I wrong to feel there may be something wrong with him? We have since split up, but now I am paranoid about sleeping with anyone else because of this. What do you think? — Wet and Not So Wild
Dear Wet and Not So Wild,
There isn't anything pathologically wrong with him, though I wouldn't suggest a career as a diplomat or dental hygienist. He's a lousy communicator and clearly has issues with bodily fluids and textures. Still, he likes what he likes, and you can't fault him for that. You can fault him for not approaching it in a more delicate manner. He could have expressed his desire for a drier experience and offered up some solutions instead of limiting your sexual repertoire and throwing you into a box with "unfuckable" written on the side in Sharpie.
With the exception of some illegal stuff, no one's "too whatever" to do whatever, provided both parties are cooperative and creative. You could have just as easily said he's "too uptight to fuck" or "too whiny to fuck" but you're probably a nicer person than that. If not nicer, than smarter, because you recognized it wasn't working and ended it. I'll go out on a very broad and sturdy limb and say this was probably one of a number of issues affecting the relationship.
Should you worry about this issue with the next guy? If this is the first complaint you've ever heard, then I wouldn't assign much weight to it. However, at fifty-four and fresh out of a seven-year union, you might also have to think about what my mother calls the "Change of Life," a phrase that always conjures up images of falling leaves, calcium supplements, or vampires. Had I known that all it meant was the end of your period and some bodily weirdness I probably wouldn't have been so scared for my female relatives. I kept waiting for them to fall gravely ill or turn into total strangers. Has the wetness gotten more intense or have you always been this way? If it's the former, you might want to check with your gyno to see if it's hormonal.
Pre-emptive strategies include keeping a clean towel or cotton handkerchief handy for periodic dry-offs. You can also try having sex with your panties on. It increases friction and will help soak up some of the excess fluid. If that's not working, what about experimenting with different types of penis sleeves and condoms? Pregnancy might not be as much of a worry for you, but there are still STDs and STIs out there, so make sure you're taking the proper precautions and know who you're fucking. French ticklers are designed for fun, not disease prevention.
Readers, has excess wetness ever been a problem for you? If so, how did you deal with it? Given that "leakage" is a buzzword these days, how do think a major oil company would approach this problem?
Dear Miss Information,
So I'm dating this awesome guy for a while, it looks like it's going to be long term and lovely. Six months in, I'm diagnosed with herpes from him. Now, I don't hate him — it was a cold sore, and I know he never would want to do something like this to anyone. But I'm so angry. He says he loves me, won't back out, and takes full responsibility. And I do love him, even though I don't want to say it. But I'm way too young for this to happen. I don't know what to do: continue this, even though I feel like a social pariah and detest the idea of dating someone who has endangered me so badly, accidentally or no; or end it, and miss out on whatever might have come next. — Simplex Complex
Dear Simplex Complex,
Let's deal with feelings first, bodily issues second.
You've been with him at least six months, and yet you "don't want to" say that you love him. What's holding you back? Is it anger over the viral issue, or were you feeling unsure before your diagnosis? I realize "I love you" doesn't come easily to some people, but most who find themselves unable to say it would at least like to be able to say it at some level. There's a difference between "can't, but trying" and "don't wanna." Maybe you love him, but not enough to be in a long-term relationship? Maybe you love him, but aren't at a point where you can commit yourself fully, whether it's because of your age or life situation?
Anger is a totally normal reaction to what's happened, as is the desire to distance yourself. There are questions of honesty, fidelity, intention, and trust. You can believe every word he says, or get caught up in the forensics of who gave what to whom and drive yourself crazy thinking about how he could be stringing you along.
It sounds like you have a great deal of faith that's he's a standup guy, which is promising. However, no matter how much he stands by you or takes responsibility, he's not a shrink or a doctor. This is a big deal, and "I love you"s aren't enough. You need to take care of your emotional and physical health. You can't put this all on him, as tempting as that might seem. He would wind up resentful, and in the long view, it's much more empowering if you take charge of your own problems.
Become a professor of your own affliction. A knowledge seeker, an activist, and/or a support group member, even if that means ditching the cheesy church-basement meetings and organizing a meet-up group where fellow herpes peeps in your area drink beer, talk smack, and play skeeball.
As for you and your boyfriend, it might make sense to look into couples counseling, as this isn't run-of-the-mill bickering. The downside is that counseling can be expensive, not to mention emotionally draining. You should be doing it because you want to make it work, not because you're afraid that your "social pariah" status will make you unfit to date anyone else. If you decide to break it off, you can and will meet someone else. I won't lie and say it won't be more difficult, but it's hard to meet someone you like, herpes or no herpes. You're not that much worse off (if any worse off) than the rest of us.
Herpes-having readers, what's your dating life been like post-diagnosis? What's the one thing you wish you knew then that you knew now?
Commentarium (45 Comments)
Dear, um, Wet:
I gotta disagree with Miss Information. Your ex sounds like an ass. Won't French kiss? WTF? Refused to go down on you? The question, really, is why you stayed so long with someone who had such a clear distaste for you and your body and who was so insulting about expressing it.
Your ex should stay away from real women and get himself a Real Doll instead.
Too wet? It doesn't exist.
Won't French kiss???? That's like a hooker....sorry, not normal - no way.
I'm a pretty average guy whos predisposed to long term relationships rather than getting around and hence was a little taken aback when I caught the dreaded simplex off my ex, only my third sexual partner. Now no one is to thrilled to get diagnosed but its important to remember that according to the research I did when I found out its more common than what most people think and luckilly for most the symptons are relatively minor or asymptomatic. So he may not have even known he was a carrier but if he did theres no excuse for not telling you. If you already knew however then you can't really hold it against him, not even condoms are guaranteed to protect you from simplex so if your dating a carrier theres always going to be a judgement call between how much you like them and how much of a risk you want to take on catching it yourself.
Since moving on and meeting new people my only advice is this, do your research, donate to HSV research, be honest straight up and direct (yes it sucks, but if they can't accept you given the simplex then you can do better), always use protection (its not a guarantee but it will dramatically reduce the odds of passing it on) and don't let it hold you back, its only a bump its not going to kill you.
Umm, something like 80% of American adults carry the oral herpes virus, and the majority never show any symptoms. Endangered you? Gimme a break.
Dear Too Wet:
If that guy is the only complaint you've gotten, I think he just has issues... I have the opposite problem to you, which some men have taken as an insult...LOL. I would love to have your problem instead...guess it proves there are assholes on both sides of the fence. I too am amazed you dated him so long- think of the world of squishy uninhabited sex you could have been having outside of him!
At age 54, a lot more women have a too-dry problem than a too-wet problem. So consider yourself super-desirable rather than an outcast! Go out and find a "normal" guy who likes french kissing, and you should feel better about yourself soon.
Ms info can be way too "fair and balanced" sometimes. This is not a court of law, it's an opinion column, and in my opinion, the first lw's ex boyfriend is a complete asshole. I don't know why ms. info would bother defending him.
It's a cold sore!! A cold sore!! She;'s freaking out this bad because she caught a cold sore from him???? But some freaking campho-phenique. He should run.
She isn't freaking out cuz she got a cold sore. He had a cold sore, went down on her and now she has genital herpes. This does effect her. She was endangered.
Too wet? Sorry dude, vaginas are SUPPOSED to get wet before sex - it works a lot better that way. The whole kissing/oral sex/wetness antipathy thing sounds to me like the guy just doesn't like to get anything on his face/dick/hands. (No BBQ for you!) Previous lovers appreciated it...it's not you, honey, it's HIM.
Too wet does indeed happen. My experience with too wet was a bit bizarre, as I went down on her during a semi drunken foray my mouth began to immediately be filling with her liquid. A positive shot to the mouth. It was a bit shocking, especially with no notice from her that she was a bit extra wet. I continued to act as though nothing happened and switched to fucking, and was promptly met after a strong thrust with a large splash in my fucking EYE! I felt like my 16 year old girlfriend, no notice, and then blam in my eye. At least when it happened to my teen girlfriend it was out of lack of experience, this woman was 33 and never said a thing. The two times after I was much more adamant about putting a towel down, etc. but it was just too much for me. So yes. there can be such a thing as too wet, at least for me. Though I should have tried for squirting action, I'm willing to bet it would have been epic.
Extra wetness, in my experience, just means you should throw a beach towel over the bed, or better yet, use "we don't want to sleep in a wet spot, let's try doing it somewhere else in the house" as an excuse to get adventurous.
I gotta agree: throw cold-sore girl back. If she's upset about catching something carried around by 80% of the adult population, she isn't worth this guy's time.
Hopefully he gets on Hooksexup and recognizes himself.
these people with cold-sores need to shut up. ok, 80% of people have them. 20% don't. i don't... never have. not oral or genital. gross! if u never had to deal with a nasty, oozing, red open sore on ur body... it can be a big deal!! and does it hurt? or itch?? i don't know... if it does, even more reason to be mad.
Why are guys expected to happily go down on a sloppy, wet pussy and have to bury their faces in all the juice, yet when we want a woman to swallow us it's sexist and degrading?
When you want us to swallow it is awesome and sexy. When you think our pussies are sloppy? That's gross. Love me, love my pussy.
80% of adults have the herpes simplex 1 virus, which is cold sores generally on the mouth. But many don't get actual cold sores. Anyone can get herpes from kissing someone else with herpes, whether they have a cold sore at the time or not. You'd never know. Simplex Complex could have gotten it from ANY person she kissed and just never had any symptoms (cold sores) until now. Also, it is possible Simplex Complex could get just this one cold sore and never have it again. Endangered? No. Too young? Absolutely not. It's not at all the end of the world that she is describing.
80% is the high-end estimate. According to both the International Herpes Resource Center, and the American Social Health Association, 50-80% of North American adults have oral herpes.
Also, herpes can be a health risk. If you end up getting it on your genitals, if you have sex while you have a sore and your partner has any kind of other STD (including HIV), you increase your risk of contracting it (the sore is providing an entry point).
If your BF gave you herpes, you should return it to him.
Wet--You've got my favorite 'problem'. I loved girlfriends who dripped on me and my sheets. I still get excited thinking about them. Good think you ditched him! Go find one who likes what you've got--it's great.
I've never had a cold sore, and went and had an 'everything' series of blood tests at the beginning of last year to calm a germ-phobic new partner. I was shocked I tested positive for herp simplex 1 (oral). HAVE NEVER HAD A COLD SORE. I'm in my mid-thirties. I have no idea which kissing partner or water-bottle sharer could have been so amoral as to pass on this to my clean, clean self. Gimme a break. Yes, be careful. Don't slurp genitalia when you have a cold sore. The end.
The ''too wet'' guy may be an an unacceptable partner (doesn't like french kissing?) for multiple reasons, but too wet can indeed be a problem. The more lubrication, the less friction, and sufficient friction is generally required (although vibration may be a workable alternative) to induce orgasm. Making you ''Too wet to fuck'' is no excuse for not supplying the oral pleasure every vulva deserves. It can be a valid exception to the tradition of ''ladies first'' as long as the man in question tongues milady to her climax after reaching his own in her lubricated-just-enough vagina. And NO. That said vagina now contains a healthy supply of his own ejaculate cannot be used as a catch-22 to avoid post coital cunnilingus. I've used this lovemaking sequence myself to overcome just such an overlubrication problem, and if I occasionally want a woman to swallow my semen, I have no right to be freaked by getting a bit of a taste of it (my own, that is) in the course of pleasuring her orally, or in the course of kissing her after she's done me.
A technique that can be used by a woman who feels (or is told) that she lubricates too much: Insert a tampon before going on a date you expect will end in the throes of passion. Remove it after you've started to get seriously aroused, and with it much of the excess lubrication. Awkward to remove a tampon in the presence of one's lover? If he's sufficiently enamored of you, he should be delighted to remove it himself. I know I would.
I was born with Herpes Simplex 1. I think a lot of people are. I've seen little kids with cold sores. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Just don't engage in sexual activity during a breakout.
Too wet? Please. The wetter, the better. ;)
This was one of my favorite Hooksexup pieces ever: https://hooksexup.com/personalessays/rhodes/testing-the-waters
All about being wet and loving it.
"Endangered me so badly?" That's quite a bit of an exaggeration. Sure, herpes sucks. It hurts and it sucks to have to tell all your future partners. But the symptoms get better after the first outbreak or two, and the risk of serious complications is tiny.
In her mid fifties and still hot and wet (apparently, really , really wet) for sex?! Hallelujah!! I expected to be all dried up and done with sex from all I have ever heard...Best letter I've read in a while.
btw...your ex is a germaphobe, gay or an uptight lame ass. Whatever his problem...you're lucky to be rid of him. I doubt that was his only set of shortcomings anyway.
Getting diagnosed with a lifelong STD can feel like being hit with a ton of bricks when it first happens. I felt that way after being told by my gyno that I had HPV, which apparently 80% of the population has. I eventually got over it and realized I just had to be vigilant about using condoms to not pass it on to new partners. Hopefully Simplex Complex can eventually arrive at the same pragmatic state of acceptance, but it takes a while. STDs are still heavily stigmatized, and many people experience a lot of shame when they find out they've contracted one.
He gave her GENITAL herpes through his cold sore. Get it straight before you go attacking the poor girl at the jugular.
What do you think?
I contracted genital herpes from an ex of two years. He told me he had it when we started dating, and so I consulted my doctor to help me make the decision as to whether I wanted to risk getting it myself. My doctor basically said it was a mildly annoying rash and nothing more, and that I should ask myself if passing over an individual for the sake of a mild skin rash was something I wanted to do. We dated for two years, and yes, I did get it. Physically, it's really not a big deal.
When we broke up, I was very worried about telling new partners, absolutely. It is stigmatized, unfairly, I believe as something like 1 in 4 people have genital herpes, but 96% don't know it as they show no symptoms. When you date a new person there is every chance they have it, especially if they are single in their twenties or thirties.
Anyway, I told the first person, and he was fine with it, with a condom of course. And the second person was so fine with it he eventually married me. We've been together 5 years now, and haven't used condoms since after the first year. He's never shown any signs of having acquired it. I'm very careful, you CAN tell when it's coming on, and i avoid all contact, condoms or otherwise, during that time.
Good luck. Do some reading so you're comfortable and knowledgeable and then just be honest. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at the understanding and accepting responses you'll get.
Great answer
To Simplex Complex: Getting the HSV diagnosis is terrible initially and conceptually, but it turns out not to be that big of a deal in the long run. Like Ms. Info said, you can and will meet people who care more about you than they care about the virus. Inform yourself and your partners, and anyone who can't deal with it isn't good enough for you anyway.
I've had herpes since I was 16, and I'm in my forties now, and single most of that time. It's not a big deal, but you have to be honest. 25% of the population has it, even more has the oral variety (and more and more crossover), so you're not exactly a leper. I tell prospective partners BEFORE sex, and always used a condom. Especially as I've gotten older, it got easier and easier. You've got to figure, if 1 out of 4 people has it, almost any active partner has run into this issue before.
If you contract herpes obviously check with your doctor first. But consider all natural alternatives to the expensive pharmacy options. I've heard good things about neveranoutbreak.com but do your research and guy from a reputable company before signing up with your doctor for endless monthly drug doses.
I'm 55, and just out of a ten year relationship with someone who is, apparently, the same guy the first letter was about. The first time he told me I was "too wet to fuck" I cried and cried....and haven't gotten wet since. I've always gotten wet when I was excited, and every guy I've ever been with loved it because I did! This guy didn't french kiss, either, or like to go down on me.
Sorry, Miss Info, you missed the mark on this one. The guy is just a phobic asshole!!
Thank god I've gotten rid of him, now I'm ready for some of the good, squishy kind of sex again!!!
It's rare for HSV1 (oral) to transfer to genitals. But it happened to a friend of mine. Whose ex-husband consequently gave her HSV2 as well, thinking they were the same thing. What a jerkwad! (But she's now happily remarried to a man who is symptom-free.)
A lot of fear and old/wrong information swirls out there. Don't even listen to the innertubes, kiddo. Find some experts.
The University of Washington has a virology hotline, where folks can tap the intel of some of the planet's best herpes researchers. Even docs and STD clinics have old information sometimes.
I got hsv-1 from a partner when I was 17. He hadn't gotten a cold sore in years and never thought to tell me. Then I had what I thought was a really bad vaginal infection, but the doctor told me right away it was herpes. I was destroyed: no one wants to have cold sores on their crotch when they are 17. I was seriously depressed for months.
I have been symptom free for 6 years and just had a recurrent, unexpected outbreak. It isn't so bad this time around. it is much less painful and more localized to one area, but I am super depressed because I think I convinced myself that it would never happen again. I know it is just a cold sore, but it does carry stigma and I feel really, really bad about myself right now. I wish I had someone to talk to, but everyone is so judgmental.
to the wet woman : you rock, let it drip, let it squirt :D
to the herpes idiot : get over it. I got hpv from a girl, the penile cancerous kind and now im going to have a full penectomy. yeah thats right, no more sex for me, ever. you pathetic cold sore cunt... get a real disease, hopefully someone will fuck you soon and give u hpv, the cervical cancer kind, so you can understand how fucked my world is.
When you are ready to talk with him, find a time when you can both sit down in a "safe space," where you will not be distracted or interrupted. Remember that the keys are to be true to yourself and to be open to what your partner may say. If he cares about you as much as you think he does, you will be able to manage this challenge in your relationship. Then, you both can figure out what to do to minimize the risk of transmission in the future. Herpes social group like herpesmates. com is a wart-harted community for people with STDs.
Okay I caught genital herpes from my bf after only dating him 2 weeks and I'm furious. I think he knew about it before hand but he tells me otherwise. He's continuing to lie to me which only confirms this fear. I feel so violated and have broken out twice in two months. The first break out they say is the worst. I described it as feeling like you're peeing razor blades while your blisters are healing. I'm afraid to tell any of my friends or family as I know they will judge me. But I will never do that to a partner as far as giving it to them an later say....sorry. Thanks Maria for the social group information. I will check that out.
IYMbDS Totally agree with you, about a week ago wrote about the same in my blog!!!
Now you say something