Savage Love

Should I contact my crazy ex?

By Dan Savage

I am marrying a man with two children — a boy and a girl — and we want to include his children in our wedding party. My best friend and maid of honor happens to work as an escort. You and I agree that prostitution should be legal and that sex work shouldn’t be stigmatized, Dan, but the ex-wife of my fiancé disagrees strongly. She somehow deduced what my BFF does for a living, and now she has told my fiancé that she will not allow her daughter to participate in the wedding if my BFF is the maid of honor. She says she does not want their daughter to think that being a prostitute is okay. His ex-wife will not budge. I am furious that this woman would have me remove my oldest, closest, most important friend from my wedding party. What say you, Mr. Savage?

— Too Angry For Cute Acronyms

I say it’s disturbing that your fiancé’s ex-wife isn’t demanding that both her children be removed from your wedding party. Not because I agree with her — I most certainly do not — but because I firmly believe that someone who’s being a dick about something is obligated to be a logically consistent dick.

If tossing rose petals in the presence of a known prostitute — known to her, not known to her daughter (how on earth would her daughter find out?) — is going to pollute her daughter’s tiny mind, then bearing rings in the presence of a known prostitute is going to pollute her son’s. If this woman believes that appearing in wedding photos with a sex worker will result in her daughter one day doing sex work, why isn’t she concerned that her son will one day hire a sex worker? Or do a little escorting himself?

This woman is trying to screw with you, TAFCA, otherwise she would’ve yanked both kids. But this is the kind of issue that could land your fiancé back in court — if his batshit ex decides to really push it — and a sex-negative judge could tear up your husband-to-be’s custody agreement and place limits on his (or your) access to his children, all because his new wife is BFFs with a sex worker. So you’re going to have to give way, TAFCA. But I think you should drop the kids, not your BFF, from your wedding party.

And while you might be tempted to tell the kids to go ask their mother why they’re suddenly out of the wedding party — thereby making her the bad guy — take the high road and come up with an explanation that makes sense to the kids and spares their feelings… if, you know, these kids were actually looking forward to being in your wedding party. There’s a small-but-not-insignificant chance that your fiancé’s children will be relieved to be left out. As much as they may like you, as much as they may approve of your relationship with their father, TAFCA, a child can feel under pressure to play a public role in a divorced parent’s second (or third or fourth) wedding. Since children — particularly small children — may not feel comfortable saying no, lest that “no” be misinterpreted as disapproval of their parent’s new spouse, I believe that smart parents and smart stepparents-to-be should err on the side of not asking their children to toss petals, bear rings, or make toasts.

Over a year ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of two years. I let the whole thing drag out way too long and made a lot of bad choices, and hurt her a lot more than I needed to. Three months after it was over, I broke contact with her. Six weeks later, she started calling me, but I didn’t respond. One night around then I was in my basement bedroom at about midnight. She started calling me and I ignored the calls. Then I heard a knock on my window. I came outside, and she was next to my bedroom window. She came at me and started screaming. I could smell alcohol on her, and she started choking me. She spent that night in jail, having been dragged off my front porch by two policemen, but not before kicking in a window. The last communication I had with her was an e-mail in which I told her not to contact me again or I would put a restraining order on her. It’s been about a year now, and I find myself wanting to contact her again, to say something like “I’m sorry that I hurt you.” I want to know if she’s okay, if she’s on a good path, etc., but I don’t want to be her friend, or even see her in person ever again. When is it too soon to contact a crazy ex?

— Wanting Après-Resolution

Never, WAR. Never is too soon to contact a truly crazy ex.

If you’re concerned about how she’s doing, ask a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend or lurk on her Facebook page like everybody else. But if what you’re after is some sort of absolution for the excessive hurt your “bad choices” caused her — choices you didn’t elaborate on in your rush to get to her faults — then you’re not really motivated by any genuine concern for her well-being, WAR, just by a selfish desire to ease your guilty conscience. Either way, no good will come of contacting her. Let it go.

I’m gay, been gay for years now, and I want to be with a man as a life partner. My problem is that I honestly don’t enjoy anal, but I like my boyfriend to be dominant, the man, the boss — however you want to define it. Is that just plain weird? Will I find a man?

— Worried About My Ever After

The results of a study recently released in the Journal of Sexual Medicine might interest you, WAMEA.

Researchers from George Mason University and Indiana University asked nearly 25,000 gay and bi men about their last sexual encounter with another dude. “Of all sexual behaviors that men reported occurring during their last sexual event, those involving the anus were the least common,” Joshua G. Rosenberger, one of the study’s authors, writes. Fewer than forty percent of the men surveyed fucked ass or got their asses fucked during their last sexual encounter.

“There is certainly a misguided belief that ‘gay sex equals anal sex,’ which is simply untrue much of the time,” Rosenberger says. (Most interesting data point: Gay and bi men have “immense sexual repertoires.” Researchers documented more than “1,300 combinations of activities.” Most concerning data point: Only half the men who reported having anal intercourse the last time they fucked used condoms. Many of these men are, presumably, in long-term relationships, and may not need to use condoms. But high HIV-infection rates among gay and bi men prove that there are lots of guys out there who should be using condoms and are not.)

Back to you, WAMEA: Some of those gay and bi guys studied might have had anal sex the second-to-last time they got it on, or were looking forward to anal the next time. But we know from other studies that there are lots of gay and bi guys out there — some estimates put it at twenty-five to thirty percent — who never have anal sex. They just don’t dig it. Your mission is to find a dominant, manly, bossy man with whom you’re sexually compatible, i.e., a bossy top who wants to fuck your throat, your fist, your clenched thighs, your Christmas ham — whatever — but not your ass.

Confidential to Everybody: Watch this: tinyurl.com/3eowo9l. Do this: tinyurl.com/4yntf8f.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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