The 50 Worst Sex Scenes in Cinema

40. The Man Who Fell to Earth (1976) Nicholas Roeg’s The Man Who Fell to Earth is self-consciously full of sex, and every scene is worse than the last. Early on, there’s the one in which a teenage girl grabs Rip Torn’s penis and speaks into it like it’s a microphone. Then there’s the alien sex scene; apparently creatures from David Bowie’s home planet make love by jumping on trampolines in translucent bodysuits while being sprayed with milk. The most cringe-worthy tryst of all takes place toward the end of the film, when Bowie’s anemic alien is imprisoned by the government and receives a conjugal visit from his aging human lover, Mary-Lou. Both characters are hopeless alcoholics at this point, so they get loaded, get naked, and start horsing around with a gun. At one point the scene blacks out, lit only by gun rounds, as Mary-Lou squeals "It’s cold!" The whole scene is hideously uncomfortable, its grotesquerie amplified by actress Candy Clark’s obnoxious squeals and bad aging makeup, and by Bowie’s coked-out, emaciated body. You will probably sit through the whole scene in order to see David Bowie’s penis. But be warned: afterwards, you will think to yourself: "Seeing David Bowie’s penis was not worth that." — Gwynne Watkins  39. Fair Game (1995) Hey, let’s turn supermodel Cindy Crawford into a movie star! She sure is purty, and if we can get her to take her shirt off, we’ll have a box office sensation on our hands! A sound plan, you’d have to agree, but the execution falls well short in Fair Game, one of those generic ’90s thrillers featuring lots of exploding fireballs and guys firing guns while jumping sideways into the water and villains who say "What are you gonna do, shoot me?" right before they get shot. Crawford’s sexy divorce lawyer is paired with William "at least I’m not Stephen" Baldwin’s greasy cop, and the electricity between them could possibly power a small nightlight. Crawford’s mannequin-like performance ensured her movie career would be a brief one, but she does take her top off. Granted, we only get a glimpse of side-boobage through a dirty car window, but there’s also her let’s-fight-no-let’s-fuck scene with Baldwin in a grubby freight train car. Mmm, smelly hobo sex — is there anything hotter? — Scott Von Doviak 38. Alexander (2004) "There are many different ways to love, Roxana," Colin Farrell tells Rosario Dawson before showing her one way that definitely does not qualify. This scene is inane on a level that only big-budget Hollywood can produce. You can almost see the committee of producers backseat-directing it: "Okay, Ms. Dawson, you take off your top, then slap him while he makes noises like an irate housecat." The upshot is gigantic breasts and animal-like humping slapped together with extraordinarily bad editing. Skip to the battle massacres if you don’t have the stomach for it. — Will Doig 37. Sliver (1993) Sliver is as riddled with bad sex as the film’s creation was with difficulties. It was originally saddled with an NC-17 rating, supposedly due to a full-frontal shot of William Baldwin (this ain’t no Forgetting Sarah Marshall). Baldwin’s member may have been cut, but the ludicrous sex raged on. Sharon Stone was riding high from her success with Basic Instinct, but her character Carly Norris landed with a thump in Manhattan’s “sliver” high rise, owned by one Zeke Hawkins (Baldwin). This sex scene might feature the only intro tracking shot that follows a naked Baldwin ass. (Yet.) Zeke and Carly get it on against a giant pillar, conveniently located in his apartment. Like the whole film, this coupling throws itself relentlessly into dangerous sexiness. It’s as if the producers’ one goal is to be more bad-ass than Basic Instinct. Hence we do away with foreplay and believability, and end up with a position that has wrought much discussion amongst the ladies in the office: could one maintain this position for longer than 120 seconds, with no visible handholds, and while wearing those boots? Apparently the Baldwin ass makes it so. — N.A. 36. The Matrix Reloaded (2003) Demonstrating passion — or any kind of human emotion, really — has never been Keanu Reeves’ strong suit. In this tender love scene between Matrix characters Neo and Trinity, he seems downright anamatronic. Rather than let the audience suffer in brief silence, the Wachowski brothers overcompensate, extending the sex scene by intercutting it with footage of a post-apocalyptic tribal rave. As techno music blasts, the Madame Toussaud-esque lovemaking alternates with shots of sweaty dreadlocks and grinding fishnet-clad torsos. It all ends with a post-orgasmic vision of Trinity plunging to her death, which seems like an appropriate metaphor. To add insult to injury, incredibly hot real-life couple Gina Torres and Laurence Fishburne were somewhere in that grinding crowd. Couldn’t the camera have just wandered over to the two of them, and stayed there? — Gwynne Watkins

 

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