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And the appeal of Jewish women to non-Jewish men? That's trickier to get at. On the topic of stereotypes, the non-Jewish men trawling JDate, as you may have guessed, do not write things like, "ISO whiny, frigid Rhonda Weiss/Sookie Sapperstein who'll let me hold her purse while she shops." Rather, they seem to come from the some-of-my-best-friends/girlfriends school. ("Maybe it's because I went to good schools and work on Wall Street," one guy suggests in his profile.) Many mention an affinity for their view of Jewish culture: "very tight-knit;" "the food is great." Another fellow told me, "I really like Jewish people," citing, among other things, the Jews' "great sense of humor," which he finds similar to that of his own Eastern European kin.
"My gut would tell me that the men there don't care that much about whether a woman is Jewish," says Robin Gorman Newman. Her hunch: for them, it's less about aiming for Jews, more about casting as wide a dating net as possible. Which, by the way, isn't necessarily a bad approach. JDating can be a good strategy for non-Jews, she says, as long as they're honest about their intentions — particularly with themselves. "Some people are at a loss as to why they're still single," she says, so it's very tempting to turn to magical, rabbit's-foot thinking. "Instead of trying to evaluate any bad choices you might be making, it's easier to say something like, 'Dating someone Jewish is the answer.'"
Whatever the particulars — or psychology — of the attraction, there's also a sense that it's a little trendy to date Jews. "A generation ago, one of the reasons intermarriage rates were low was that non-Jews weren't interested in marrying Jews," notes Dr. Kerry Olitzky, executive director of The Jewish Outreach Institute, which works to bring Judaism to interfaith families and the unaffiliated. But today, there are books like What To Do When You're Dating a Jew: Everything You Need to Know From Matzah Balls to Marriage (which I haven't read), and Boy Vey: The Shiksa's Guide to Dating Jewish Men (which I wish I hadn't, because no one should ever have to read a sentence like "To find a Shiksa with a hilariously high-maintenance mixture of strength and prowess is an utter utopia for the libidinous Jew.") More to the point, I guarantee you that in my immigrant grandfather's day, before the Jews made their way to Harvard and Shaker Heights, you would not have heard a Jewish man called — to cite from Boy Vey! — a "Hebrew honey" or, God help us, "Mr. Tall, Dark, and Circumcised."
So Jews are in. But what about Judaism? Many of the non-J JDaters I encountered indicated a
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"Intermarriage is a reality," says Dr. Olitzky. "So we have to seize it as an opportunity."
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willingness to convert and/or raise Jewish children "for the right person." But for others — despite evidence among young people of a growing interest in the real God stuff of religion — interest in Judaism as a faith was often intellectual at most. "I am much more interested in Judaism as the cradle for some of the most transforming thinkers of the last couple of centuries — Freud, Marx, Einstein," the Eastern European guy told me. We're big fans of Jews and Jewish "culture," several said, but of "organized religion," not so much.
That's the kind of equation that, historically, has worried the Jews: Jews + non-Jews uninterested in Judaism = non-Jews. According to the most recent National Jewish Population Survey, nearly half of American Jews married outside their religion in 2001 (vs. 13 percent in 1970). At the same time, many liberal Jewish leaders and groups are noticing that non-Jews — whether they convert or not — are interested in Judaism, and that interfaith couples are swelling the ranks of synagogues and making their communities more diverse and vibrant than ever. Of course, it goes both ways; those communities need to be welcoming in the first place. "Intermarriage is a reality, so — while some see it as a threat and challenge — we have to seize it as an opportunity," says Dr. Olitzky. "It's not necessarily the way I would have preferred to map out the course of Jewish history, but we have to confront it positively."
So should we worry about the non-Jews on JDate? Nah, says Rabbi Jennifer Krause, author of the forthcoming book The Answer: Making Sense of Life, One Question at a Time. "If people believe that their ideal mate is Jewish, then that's where they're going to look," she says. "Even if they start out with stereotypes, if they want more than a superficial relationship they're going to have to get to know each other as full humans. This is just another address for people to try to find deep and lasting connection." n°
| ABOUT THE AUTHOR: |
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Lynn Harris is author of the satirical novel Death By Chick Lit and its prequel, Miss Media, as well as co-creator of the award-winning website BreakupGirl.net. A regular contributor to Glamour, Salon, The New York Times, Babble and many others, she also writes the "Rabbi's Wife" column for Nextbook.org. Visit her at LynnHarris.net. |
©2007 Lynn Harris and hooksexup.com
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